b3ta.com user Turtlenuts
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» Broken Promises

Dear P2P,
You promised me a sexy dwarf amputee having sex with a camel, but all I got was this lousy Rick Astley video...
(Mon 6th Dec 2010, 18:06, More)

» Narrow Escapes

I once
ate a pure, red-hot habanero chili pepper on an almost empty stomach.

Cue immense cramps and rushing to the washroom to spatter the porcelain throne with copious amounts of, well, what felt like flaming bum spatter.

Luckily, my wife was well into her pregnancy and we'd recently stocked up on all the usual baby products, such as baby powder. The intense relief provided by such a simple product is a life saver!

Also, there's the time I was down at the local ranch when I noticed a very particular individual eyeing me up and down every time I got too close to his beloved animals. At first I though he was checking out my wife, but then I noticed he seemed to have an issue with both of us. It was by no means his ranch as we knew the owner but he seemed to be very agitated, almost possessive.

The whole situation was extremely unnerving as I could not tell if he was easily excitable or concealing a weapon in his trousers. I mentioned this to my wife and we decided it would be best to come back another day and we made our exit as hastily as possible.

I was surfing my local newspaper website shortly afterwards and noticed the police had released a sketch with a very detailed warning. Reading through it I went pale and got that cold sweat, empty stomach sensation you do when you think of a situation that could have gone much differently in a very horrific way. I haven't had to courage to bring it to my wife's attention even now, years later. They never found the man and the warning is still there.
(Fri 20th Aug 2010, 14:33, More)

» What was I thinking?

Really cold survival trip
I was on a survival camping trip for my highschool's Outdoor Education class. It was one of those 2 day long trips where you only have to survive 1 night out in the woods, in groups of 2. You were allowed to bring a lighter (a couple lighters), a knife, some light snacks, bog roll, a few luxuries, and mild weather clothing. As it was April we were expecting mild spring weather (pro-tip: don't "expect" warm weather here in Canada). With mild spring weather come plenty of mosquitos coming back to life after a long winter, so one of our luxuries was a large can of bug spray. More on this later.

We had been instructed on how to build shelters, on how to collect water, on how to avoid nasty animals, on where to place the fire to keep warm, etc. The groups were dropped off in 1/2km intervals so you didn't exactly get to choose your area for the night. My mate and I got stuck in an area between a cliff face, roughly 30 feet high, and a lake, with about 50 feet of flat ground between the two, all soaking wet moss (comfy, but no insulation, wet, and full of bugs/pests).

We found a perfect flat outcropping about 10 feet up the cliff which was easy enough to climb to, but difficult enough to access that it would keep us safe from any pesky bears, etc. It was rock so we could lay down a base to keep us comfy and warm, and had a tree growing off the edge which would give us something to stack our wall against.

We set forth building our nice warm shelter with some decent sized logs and a fair bit of work, it took a few hours but we were looking forward to the trip and having a blast so it didn't phase us. We finished with enough time to eat our snacks and collect plenty of firewood for the night, but having done all these, we started to get bored.

The fire was placed directly at the foot of the shelter as it allows the heat to cycle into the shelter, but the roof isn't solid enough to keep harmful smoke in, etc. As long as the fire keeps burning, you should be relatively comfortable. The mild spring weather didn't pan out, it ended up dropping to a, not so bad if you're prepared for it, -10 degrees celcius, and we weren't prepared for it. But still, fire is burning well, we're having a good time, let's have some fun before we go to bed.

This is where my bad idea comes into play. I turn to my mate, mention that as it's ball-freezing cold out we won't be getting bothered by mosquitos that night, let's see what happens if we chuck the bug spray into the fire. He chuckles, pulls out the camera on his phone (back in the 0.3MP days) and we hide behind a large rock on the cliff after I've placed (tossed) the nearly full (pressurized aerosol) can in the middle of our decent sized fire.

The blast sent a 10 foot fireball hurtling straight up in the air, blew our fire and firewood off the cliff and scattered across the wet ground, sent embers flying everywhere, and set our shelter ablaze. Luckily, the canopy of the evergreen tree on our perch didn't catch, but the leaves were singed by the blast and rained down embers for the 20 minutes we spent fetching water from the lake and salvaging whatever parts of our shelter we didn't have to kick down onto the wet ground below. This happened around midnight.

The rest of the night was spent running around in the dark collecting what was left of firewood in the area to try and keep a proper fire going so we wouldn't die of hypothermia. When we were collected the next day, the other groups camped 2-3kms away mentioned the blast had woke them.

Apologies for length, my mate didn't complain when we were spooning for warmth.
(Fri 24th Sep 2010, 15:38, More)

» Anonymous

I once
posted on an internet messageboard without introducing myself first.

I had "only" been lurking for months.

Edit: added the "only" after reading some of these replies
(Thu 14th Jan 2010, 17:41, More)

» Drunk Parents

The Most Interesting Man in the World
His parents were so proud, they got drunk to celebrate... for the rest of their lives.

He has lived in 30 different places and worked 40 different jobs... in the 45 years he's been alive.

He once snorted massive drugs off several supermodels in his Honda Accord.

His blood smells of Vodka and cheap lager.

He has a story for every situation imaginable.

He is... the most interesting man in the world.

"I don't always go on b3ta, but when I do, I prefer QotW."

Because /talk is a dull chatroom for mongs
(Tue 1st Mar 2011, 14:13, More)
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