b3ta.com user Spud Diechmann
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» Letters they'll never read

Dear 4x4 driver
Thanks for leaving your details when a strong gale forced your door into my car leaving a 4 inch dent 1 inch deep. I was frankly amazed at how apologetic you were over the phone and how freely you accepted responsibility and gave over your insurance details.

The repair shop the insurance firm sent me to took over 2 weeks to do what they said was a 1 day job. They even managed to break the wing mirror on the opposite side of the car and it failed it's MOT on that one fact that afternoon.

Your kindness was only marred by some fucktard you will never meet.

Cheers Pal,

S. Diechmann
(Tue 9th Mar 2010, 20:42, More)

» Annoying words and phrases

But what does this bring to the party?
Used to have a supervisor who would say that to literally every suggestion. Was all I could do not to respond with "Pizza and beer", or when exceptionally pissed off "hookers".
(Sat 10th Apr 2010, 13:24, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

Flatmate in halls
was borderline autistic. Amazing at writing computer code, but named Dim for a reason. Various displays of ignorance include:

Dim:"This is amazing, I don't live at home anymore! I can do what I want! I'm gonna make a bacon sandwich!"
Me:"go for it..."
Dim"How much bacon do you put in a bacon sandwich?"

Dim:"Did I just break that coffee pot?"
Me:"Yes you did"
Dim:"Was it yours?"
Me:"Yes it was."
Dim:"Can I get you a new one?"
Me:"Yes you can."

Best of all, and I can't remember how it happened, on our first night as housemates he admitted to shagging a 13 year old girl while on holiday. He actually thought "she looked 16" would save face... Doing the act was bad enough, but boasting about it to strangers you have to live with for a year just boggles the mind.
(Thu 18th Mar 2010, 23:01, More)

» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

This is not about me...
Years ago I had a Prince Albert done. I was safe in the knowledge that this would rank me quite high in the most painful thing down your japs eye contest and was safe in the knowledge that I would win this pissing contest whenever anyone mentioned swabs.

2 weeks ago, for reasons I can't remember, a guy at work (we'll call him R), was regailing us with a story about the time he had a fiberoptic camerea film the inside of his bladder. The shame of it!

Yesterday, another guy from work returned from havine 3 kidney stones removed after repeated ultrasound had failed. He's had half the robotic cast of Star wars connected to a laptop up his. A camera, laser to cut the stones, claw to catch them and a basket to keep them in until removal.

R and I and now very downcast and many folk at work are still unable to uncross their legs. The wonders of modern medicine eh?
(Thu 18th Mar 2010, 10:29, More)

» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

Seriously rambly and maybe pointless
Feel like I owe a lot to 2 members of the NHS who made me grow up a hell of a lot.

After 3 days of near endelss projectile vomit and stomach cramps, my friends convinced me that I should get checked out as some of them started to think it was appendicitus. So, weak, pale, sweating and convulsing I wandered into the doctors surgery and asked for an appointment, wandered off, had a drink and a vom, and wandered back.

That's when life got interesting. She was casually chatting about how it'll be nothing and I'd just need a dose of gaviscon and MTFU, when she stopped mid sentance, mumbled something about sugar and ran off. I was then rushed ahead of over a dozen pissed off looking patiently waiting, erm, patients, and laid out on the examination table. The doc asks what I've been told and gets the history again and proceeeds with the gentle poke test.

I have never felt aother pain like it, when all the doc did was press on my kidneys gently enough to only just indent the skin. Same on the other side but not so bad. I actually started to cry in agony while the doctor tried to sooth me and carry on at the same time.

I had a sever kidney infection and was tested not only for that, but hepatitis too (thankfully negative). Turns out what they say about drinking causing dehydration and decreased liver function isn't a lie.

The speed and compassion was unbelievable. I stopped drinking for over three months after that because to have done otherwise would have been a slap in the face of Nurse MTFU and Dr. Pokey for calming me down, dealing with me, fixing me up and not judging me once. When I finally started drinking again (thanks Dad), I was much more sensible and thankfully, have never done myself the same injustice.
(Mon 15th Mar 2010, 0:48, More)
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