b3ta.com user Captain Coffee Break
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» Amazing displays of ignorance

A six foot WHAT?
I worked at a major electrical retailer many moons ago. 2 doors down at the retail park was a large DIY store.
When a new lad started with us, the manager came out and announced that we were installing a new display. He handed the newbie a £20 note, and told him to nip to the DIY store and ask for a six-foot fallopian tube for the lighting on the display.
To our amusement, of he went.
After about 10 minutes we were beginning to get a little concerned - but he finally returned, looking a bit embarressed.
"What happened?" asked the manager.

"I had a look all round the lighting section, but couldn't find any fallopian tubes. I asked one of the sales lads, but he wasn't sure if they had any. He had a look with me, but couldn't find one, so he asked *his* boss if they'd got any in stock..."

By this point we were all in hysterics...

"...his boss came out to me, and asked if I was new... then he told me to go home and talk to my mum..."

(we're now holding onto the displays, trying not to collapse laughing)

"...I don't get it... what's funny?"
(Tue 23rd Mar 2010, 21:56, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

After my job in the electrical retailer, I got my current job in a hospital microbiology lab. Every specimen that comes in will have a form with it, detailing the patient's identity, a diagnosis, and a description of the sample sent. Most are quite straightforward. Some show a worrying lack of intelligence on the part of the doctors and nurses...

Diagnosis: Patient not passing urine.
Specimen: Urine.

Diagnosis: Constipation?
Specimen: Swab of left ankle.

Diagnosis: Rectal bleeding.
Specimen: Nose swab.

Diagnosis: Patient vomiting blood.
Specimen: Penile swab.

Diagnosis: Infertility.
Specimen: Ear swab.

Diagnosis: Diarrhoea.
Specimen: Tongue swab.

And it's not just patients that have trouble with diarrhoea. One form read:
Diagnosis: Patient has diahorhea(crossed out) diaoreah(crossed out) diahorrea(crossed out) diaorhaea(crossed out) the shits.

Giving the results out can be just as problematic:

Me: ...and there's no bacterial growth.
Nurse: Oh... so what antibiotics should we be using?

Me: {after searching for a result on the computer} I'm sorry, we don't appear to have received that specimen.
Nurse: Oh dear. So when do we get the results?

Me: {trying to phone an urgent result} Do you have [this patient] with you?
Nurse: No
Me: Are you sure? Ward 10 said they transferred him to you last night.
Nurse: ....oh *THATS'S* who he is!!
(Tue 23rd Mar 2010, 23:27, More)

» I Hurt My Rude Bits, Again

Caught on camera...
A couple of years ago I was on holiday in Scotland. The in-laws had come along as well, and one afternoon we were all on the local beach, mucking about with a Nerf thing - a sort of foam rugby ball with a tail. I was trying to catch some action shots with my camera. One of the results can be seen here -
If you look carefully, you can see the Nerf thingy, just up and to the left of my father-in-law. Because I was concentrating on taking the photo, I wasn't paying enough attention to the trajectory the ball was taking, and about a second after this was taken, it connected very solidly with my testicles.
I am told that I was in the foetal position before I even hit the floor, much to the amusement of everyone except my young daughter, who came running up to make sure I was ok.
"Are you ok, Dad? Dad? Dad, why won't you talk? Dad, did it hit you in the dangly bits? Dad, what *are* the dangly bits? Dad? Dad?"
(Sat 9th Mar 2013, 0:17, More)

» Sex Toys

A request...
Speaking as someone who works in a microbiology laboratory at a large hospital, please can I respectfully ask that people do not use aerosol bottles with detachable lids for anything other than their designed purpose?
We received one a lid which had become detached from the bottle while being used for more pleasurable purposes. The lady in question had attempted to remove it, but it was too far in. She left it for a while (ie - a couple of weeks!) in the hope it would work its way down. It didn't. She then visited the hospital, who removed it, and sent it to us for bacterial testing. In fourteen years of working there, I have only once smelled something worse - and that was a necrotic anus.
The black plastic had actually degraded and was discoloured. The test we perform requires it being placed in a liquid, and incubated for a fortnight to encourage a type of bacteria called actinomyces. We didn't get as far as two weeks - after 8 days it had produced so much bacteria that the resulting gas blew the lid off the airtight jar! Despite much cleaning, the incubator stank for over a week!
God alone knows what state the woman's bits were in!
(Mon 21st May 2012, 7:07, More)

» Life Hacks

Putting your car in the garage?
Get a round of applause each time you do by lining your garage with bubble wrap!
(Tue 2nd Jun 2015, 13:27, More)
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