( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 2 Jun 2015, 17:49, 15 replies)

Avoid drowning under the weight of your enormous, blubbery torso by adding salt to your private swimming pool.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 29 May 2015, 9:13, 5 replies)

Improve your life considerably
By removing from it any one who uses the term life hack in a sincere way. These people are interminable cunts and should not be tolerated.
(sadsack, Mon 1 Jun 2015, 7:13, Reply)

Lazy moderator on a dying comedy website?
Try copying the week's question from one that already has its own permanent thread.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sat 30 May 2015, 1:32, 3 replies)

The secret to a happy kitchen
1) Fit two dishwashers in your kitchen.
2) Possess exactly the correct amount of crockery to fill one of them.
3) When eating, take a clean plate out, use it, then place it dirty in the other machine.
4) When that machine is full, and the other is empty, run the dirty machine and start moving things back to the first machine as they are used.

You never have to empty a dishwasher, or move things from the machine to a cupboard.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 29 May 2015, 13:28, 3 replies)

pretend your a tennis player
by standing in your kitchen with 3 oranges in your hand.
put one in your pocket, throw one up the stairs and hit the other out the back door with a frying pan.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Fri 29 May 2015, 9:54, 3 replies)

/QOTW is an ideal internet forum for pricks

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 28 May 2015, 18:49, Reply)

Putting your car in the garage?
Get a round of applause each time you do by lining your garage with bubble wrap!
www.tinyurl.com/p57emh4
(Captain Coffee Break, Tue 2 Jun 2015, 13:27, Reply)

If you're vegetarian but still miss the taste of meat
have some meat. It won't hurt you or anything.
( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Mon 1 Jun 2015, 13:56, 5 replies)

Construct some shoes out of Lego
That way if you stand on a piece it doesn't hurt, you just get taller.

Classic Top Tips.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sun 31 May 2015, 22:24, 4 replies)

If you are seeking a private maths tutor, make sure you ask for proof that the tutor is not a spider.
Spiders count in base 8, as opposed to the base 10 used by humans. For example, in spider mathematics 11 x 11 is 171, which would be incorrect in a human maths class.
(iwrite4u, Fri 29 May 2015, 20:37, 1 reply)

Travelling to London?
Change your plans: it appears to be populated entirely by spastics, gaylords and coons.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 28 May 2015, 22:43, 1 reply)

If you are taming an eagle
spread some honey on the back of its head and hum.
It makes the eagle think it's a bee and relaxes it making it easier to train.
( $$ ✅, Thu 28 May 2015, 19:28, Reply)

stale smegma makes an excellent base for growing authentic mould on your action figures

(lol man river definite greek god, Thu 28 May 2015, 19:06, 5 replies)

like sleeping in of a weekend?
don't have kids.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 1 Jun 2015, 16:37, 1 reply)

If you're planning a murder-suicide, make sure you do the murder first and the suicide second.

( Zuowan, Fri 29 May 2015, 15:29, Reply)

Gents - when playing music, always turn the volume up slightly higher than you actually want it
This means that when your girlfriend or wife appears and invariably tuts then turns the music down a notch, it will now be at your perfect listening level.
(iwrite4u, Fri 29 May 2015, 13:35, 1 reply)

Platitudes appear more profound if you print them on a picture of Mark Twain
and more pithy if you print them on a picture of Oscar Wilde.

Don't bother printing them on a picture of Elizabeth Gaskell because nobody recognises her.
(lol man river definite greek god, Fri 29 May 2015, 9:10, 2 replies)

Perfect Poached eggs
Use a massive deep pan and drop the eggs in from as high as you can. Don't bother to remove the shells, they will separate from the egg once it hits the water.
( Peej, Fri 29 May 2015, 8:37, 1 reply)

Don't throw rice at weddings as wild birds will eat it, condeming them to a slow, painful death as the rice expands in their stomachs.
Throw dried beans instead as they contain a poison called hemaglutin which kills birds much faster.
(iwrite4u, Thu 28 May 2015, 20:54, 7 replies)

A condom is an ideal storage device for keeping a single carrot fresh.

(lol man river definite greek god, Thu 28 May 2015, 18:18, 3 replies)

How to cope with BASTARD ALIEN CUNTS
I've been around a fair bit, and during my travels throughout Time and Space have encountered many alien species, some of them nice, some of them nasty, some of them sort of meh. Here are my Top Tips / Life Hacks for dealing with the middle category.

Autons: Always carry a vial of Anti-Plastic which you can chuck on them and they will melt.

Axons: Trap them in a time loop that's sort of like a complicated figure of 8.

Androgums: Always carry a load of Pork pies, Scotch eggs, etc to sate the appetite of any hungry Androgum on uour scent.

Bandrils: Sock it to 'em!

Cybermen: Gold, radiation, gravity - almost anything works on these cunts.

Daleks: Fuck it, just run away.

Drashigs: If you have any pies left over from your encounter with the Androgum, now is the time to use them.

Eternals: These God-like beings are easily bored, so a Rubiks' Revenge should keep them occupied whilst you make your escape.

Fendahleens: Salt. As for a fully-developed Fendahl gestalt, you're pretty much fucked, so try to destroy its constituent parts with aforementioned salt before the gestalt can form.

Gastropods: Again, salt.

Gubbage Cones: Weedkiller.

Horda: Tuck your trousers into your socks and spray the pesky horde a Horda with Raid.

Ice Warriors: Simply turn the heating up.

Judoon: These 'Space Police Rhino's are sticklers for rules so when apprehended simply quote 'Intergalactic Treaty Regulation #347324 at them, and escape whilst they try to look it up (it doesn't exist so they won't be able to find it!)

Kastrians: If in male form, trip up with scarf. If in female form, seduce, but watch out for abrasions.

Krynoids: If infected with a Krynoid, simply lop off the affected limb. If confronted by a rampaging Krynoid, try some of that weedkiller left over from your tussle with the Gubbage Cones. If Krynoid has reached size of St Paul's Cathedral, an air-strike is called for, before the cunt reaches primary germination.

Monoids: A poke it it's single eye with a sharp stick usually does the trick.

Myrkas: You know what to do - HI-YAAAH!

Nimons: The Nimon waits for no man, so simply don't be there.

Ogrons: These stupid cunts are so stupid, so give them a piece of paper with PTO written on both sides, and make good your escape. N.B. Worth writing the acronym out in full, so thick are the Ogrons. N.B. They can't read, so this doesn't work. So perhaps just shoot them in the face.

Plasmatons: Don't worry, these are 'armless.

Quarks: These are more dangerous than they look - don't be fooled by their comical appearance. They quickly run out of energy, so wear them out by playing some sort of clever game of 'cat and mouse' with them until their power is as exhausted as you are after your twelfth wank of the day.

Rutans: Start a conversation about their interminable war with the Sontarans. As the Rutan rants on and on about their strategic military superiority over the Sontaran scum, make good your escape.

Sontarans: Start a conversation about their interminable war with the Rutans. As the Sontaran rants on and on about their strategic military superiority over the Rutan scum, make good your escape. (The probic vent thing no longer works, they've engineered it out).

Taran Wood Beasts: Tally Ho!

Usurians: Pull the plug!

Vervoids: If you have any weedkiller left over from your tussles with the Gubbage Cones and the Krynoids, now is the time to use it.

Voords: Yank their dangly thing, they will shriek and run away.

Wirrns: If you have any Raid left over from your escapades with the Horda, now is the time to use it.

Zarbi: If you have any Raid left over from your escapades with the Horda and the Wirrn, now is the time to use it.

HTH sweetiezse!

LAIGH8TERZZZZS!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 1 Jun 2015, 16:38, 9 replies)

Clinically obese people, do your legs ache after a few steps?
Why not roll everywhere it takes the strain off your legs.
( $$ ✅, Mon 1 Jun 2015, 14:02, 6 replies)

Poke 35899,0
Bindun?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 1 Jun 2015, 12:52, 4 replies)

Hack your life
by accessing the Matrix and changing the source code so that all your spoons melt and any bullets fired at you by scenery-chewing bad guys will suffer sudden erectile dysfunction merely metres from the target.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Mon 1 Jun 2015, 8:19, Reply)

when using a public toilet, grab a hand-full of toilet paper and wipe the seat.

The benefits of this are three-fold (three ply)
1: you have already established that there is enough bog roll to accomodate you
2: you may have wiped AIDS off the seat, saving expensive medical costs later
3: your stool now has a soft landing, helping to eliminate the dreaded 'splashback'
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Sat 30 May 2015, 15:52, 6 replies)

When walking through a busy underground station during rush hour
take a moment to consider how much less shit your life could have been if you'd tried a bit harder.
(lol man river definite greek god, Fri 29 May 2015, 8:14, 6 replies)

Enjoy being 'sausaged'?
Tie yourself naked to a lamp post in Soho.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 29 May 2015, 7:29, 1 reply)