b3ta.com user Jackie Chan's Lovechild
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» Bad Management

Supervisor Bizarro
First ever post. Hope you like.

I used to work for the council in a region of Scotland. My immediate boss often left me in awe of his wisdom. These are some genuine quotes from him-

"Graham, you've got to put your sheep out in the field before you can make bread."
"Life's like a bar of soap because you wash your face in it every day."
Me to him- "How did your appraisal go?" "Cake of soap, Graham. Cake of Soap."
"Have you tried that chicken coffee, Graham?" "Do you mean Chicory coffee?" "Aye, chicken coffee."
"It's a dog bite dog world out there."
"That boy's as squint as a £5 note!"
"I'm watching you like a hawk. Too-wit too-woo!"
When I challenged him about an error he'd made- "Give me a break, Graham. I'm not inflammable!"

I often wished I had tested the last statement.
(Tue 15th Jun 2010, 12:14, More)

» Sticking it to The Man

Wife and Solictor
When the then Mrs. Lovechild decided to cheer me up about her infidelity ("You're bigger than he is." I'm 6ft tall, he was 5 1/2ft.) I decided it was time to see a solicitor for advice and costs of divorce. Upon being told this, Mrs. Lovechild demanded the divorce be put through as soon as possible, I pay for it and the reason's for the marriage ending were not to be put on the papers. (She thought people would search for it on the internet and was worried what people would think of her!)

I was told by the solicitor that for the reasons not to be put on the divorce we would have to have been seperated for a year 1st. We didn't have property or kids to worry about so the divorce (after a year) would cost approx £900. If it were to be done sooner it would cost a lot more and the reasons would have to be noted on the papers.

After that I found out from a friend I could do the divorce myself through the court. I would have to wait till we'd been sperated a year and it would cost me £95.

I made psycho wait a year and stopped the solicitor getting an £800 profit for what was essentially filling out a multiple choice form and getting a signature from the sherrif's court.

I have since wanted to pursue a career as a solicitor. Or maybe just soliciting.
(Fri 18th Jun 2010, 11:58, More)

» Things to do before you die

I want to get bitten by a radioactive spider and be Spiderman
I would assume this would result in getting cancer of some form, not super powers, but I can dream!

I'd love to shoot my webbing everywhere. Hurr-hurr.
(Fri 15th Oct 2010, 15:05, More)