» Bad Smells

Lush
I was Christmas shopping in town and popped into Lush (VERY fragrant soap shop - bath bombs etc) to buy my Mum some smellies as a gift.

Having drank a lot of Guinness and eaten 'dirty food' the night before, my bowels were in a bit of a state and I inadvertently emitted a 'silent but violent' guff while browsing the gift boxes.

Within moments, I heard someone shout, "What the fuck is THAT?" and almost immediately another voice shouted, "JESUS CHRIST!".

People started backing away from me like a terrified demented mob.

The reason I'm so pleased about that fart is that you can smell Lush from 2 streets away and my fart cut through all that soapy scent like a knife through butter :D
(Fri 17th Jan 2014, 14:05, More)

» Controversial Beliefs

Before onboard computers in cars.
In the 80's when my pal and I were mere youngsters, we popped into town and bought a Commodore 64 with his Christmas money.

His Dad picked up us up from town in his car and on the way home we were involved in a very minor traffic accident: Just a small prang leaving the bumper with a small dent.

Upon our return to my mate's house with the new computer, his Mum saw the dent in the bumper and when mental. She exclaimed she didn't want the computer in the house as the cause of the traffic accident was obviously the Commodore 64. Apparently it had somehow 'computerised the car'.
(Fri 26th Apr 2013, 14:04, More)

» More Pet Stories

Dog's dinner
When I was 15 I was at my friends house for dinner. In full view through the window, we could see the family dog do a shit in the garden and then subsequently eat it.

The dog quickly ran back into the house and vomited up its own shit next to us onto the carpet whilst we were still eating.

The resulting vomity/shit stench was unlike anything I've had the misfortune of witnessing before or since.

I couldn't finish my dinner.
(Fri 1st Feb 2013, 15:04, More)

» Sorry

Whoops - sorry for causing an estimated £2m worth of damage
My sincerest apologies to the site manager of the massive well known high street department store refurb and refit.

Sorry for dicking about with a length of metal cable pretending to be Indiana Jones and taking out a ceiling sprinkler when trying to whip coat hangers off a rail.

Sorry for the thousands of cubic litres of stagnant water that burst through the now damaged outlet and cascaded down all three levels of the store ruining not only all the walls, wall fittings, carpets, flooring and stock but the escalators and lift shafts too.

Sorry I fucking legged it down all the flights of stairs and hid in the bogs for 5 minutes before emerging pretending to look as horrified and shocked as everyone else.

Sorry to the guy in the basement, knee deep in swirling water trying to shut off the mains water supply via a massive metal wheel (Imagine the scene at the end of The Poseidon Adventure).

Sorry to the security firm that interviewed every member of the team for lying through my teeth about where I was when the disaster struck.

Sorry to the all the guys that had to work day and night for 2 weeks to repair all the damage I caused in time for the grand opening.

Lastly, sorry to the imaginary Polish painter and decorator who, as folk lore now has it, damaged the sprinkler valve with his long wooden ladder over his shoulder.

;-)
(Sat 19th Jan 2013, 10:33, More)

» Little Victories II

Chicken Slices
In my packet of Sainsbury's 5 chicken slices, there were actually 6 slices.
(Thu 26th Mar 2015, 13:29, More)