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» Brits Abroad

Crown Cunts of Norway
I'm British, but while I was on the train from Oslo to Trondheim even I was horrifically pissed off by this one English family sitting behind me. They just wouldn't fucking shut up, and Norwegian trains have a similar level of conversation to the London underground.

Their children just kept talking, trying to pronounce every Norwegian safety sign within reach loud enough for everyone to hear, and of course mispronouncing every word in their horrible high pitched Surrey accents. Their mother kept commenting on the apparent bleakness (it was February and getting dark at 5) and telling her vile spawn how 'we need to remember to respect those worse off than ourselves' (Norway is the 3rd richest country in the world in terms of GDP).

Anyway, these ignorant bastards kept at it for the six hours until we reached Trondheim, but the carriage was saved briefly by someone shouting 'Hold kjeft fir helvete!' (shut the fuck up). Anyway, these cunts caught up with me as soon as they realised I was british in Trondheim station, and asked me 'Excuse me, can you please direct us to the nearest convenient car hire?' No fucking clue. 'Why don't you ask someone?' 'Oh, we've tried, but they all speak Norwegian.' you don't say. 'Most of these people speak English, you know.'

'But so do you.' Well noticed. 'So fucking what?' I was getting really impatient. she and her spouse looked shocked: 'Where we come from we don't use that kind of language!' I raised my voice, 'Where I come from people don't bring up their bratty children to think of 'us and them'. Most importantly, we don't let them act like cunts.' I then poured abuse at them, until I stormed out of the station to find the hotel. I could hear the children crying and the man getting indignant behind me.

Why can't brits just learn a bit about the country they're visiting and control their bloody children?
(Fri 25th Apr 2014, 15:43, More)

» Encounters with politicians

I won't name him specifically, but he's a Scottish Labour guy who is thankfully quite likely to be replaced on May 7th.

My correspondence with him started with me sending him a template email via Amnesty International (I'm still quite supportive of that organisation, and at the time I was sending these things off without a second thought, kind of like signing a petition), basically to encourage him to oppose a bill that the Tories were pushing through that would allow the government to hold the trials of 'terror suspects' in secret, and in short violate their human rights. To my surprise, he actually responded, and to my disappointment he and his party had voted for an amendment that pretty much did jack shit to the actual bill. He even sent me two letters informing me of the progress of the bill, something I discovered he's keen on doing to maintain some kind of reputation as one of 'Britain's most responsive MPs'.

Doing some digging, I discovered that he had claimed nearly £300,000 in expenses since his election and that he employs his partner as his secretary. Thanks to the miracle of First Past The Post, he was also voted in despite over 60% of the constituency voting for someone else.

He came in to talk to our school a few times (and yes, as a few of you guessed I am still roughly school age), which led to some rather interesting discussions concerning his actions in Westminster. I brought up his conspicuous failure to vote on several key bills regarding fracking, further welfare cuts and Trident, to which he responded that he had 'other responsibilities'. When I subjected him to the same sort of scrutiny on social media, he blocked me from his Facebook page and still goes on about 'bullying trolls' to this day.

In fairness to the man, he is very responsive and is quite good as a local representative. He went out of his way to justify his position to me at first, so maybe I pushed him a bit far. Anyway, he'll be going soon.

Important clarification: Scottish Labour are not like the Labour party in the rest of the UK. In their intense hatred of the SNP they have almost entirely abandoned their left wing principles and by sharing a platform with the Tories during the independence referendum they have lost the confidence of the majority of the Scottish electorate. They're now just a bunch of Blairites, and my MP is no exception.
(Thu 30th Apr 2015, 19:31, More)

» The B3ta UK Manifesto

The B3tan Republics of England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and London
Okay, here's my dream for the UK's future, and yes, I am a raving mad socialist. So shoot me.

1. The four nations of the United Kingdom and the city of London shall become politically and economically independent from each other, but shall be compelled to enter a free trade arrangement with each other.

2. Each nation will be compelled to have a written constitution, and any changes to said constitutions must be approved via a public referendum.

3. The monarchy shall be completely abolished, and the majority of their property and wealth shall be taken into the public domain.

4. All industries that employ more than 1% of the population or are considered essential to the functioning of the country (e.g. public transport) shall be nationalised.

5. The nations, particularly England because of its size and population, shall be compelled to use a federal system of government and devolve extensive powers to local communities.

I'm going to leave it to you guys to draft the constitutions of these new nations, and to add anything you'd like to see in your particular B3tan republic.

Update: the position of Media Secretary for England shall be decided by a fight to the death between Katie Hopkins and Russell Brand.
(Sun 26th Apr 2015, 19:41, More)

» Brits Abroad

To Flanders Fields The Idiots Go, but only if they can survive the ferry.
Just to clarify, my previous story was written by my twatty friend who discovered my laptop open at this site. Most of you agree that it was quite cringeworthy. God knows if it was true. This story, however, is real and my own.

It was my last year of high school, and we were on a trip to Belgium to see the WW1 battlefields. We were perfectly equipped with sod all apart from a Gameboy and about 80 euros each. The mishaps happened when we discovered that our ferry cabins going from Hull would be next to where about 2 stag dos and a hen party were staying. Needless to say, our group encountered them all at about 11pm at the bar area when they were completely hammered. I remember one of my friends trying to dance, then tripping over a lorry driver gyrating on the dance floor.

We discovered a shirtless bald man asleep outside our cabin the next morning. Our misadventures continued in Bruges, where we were assaulted by the plague of mimes rampant in many European cities, attacked by Belgian cyclists and ripped off when clubbing our money together to by a second hand guitar. After we got to our hotel, we were reliably told that 'we shouldn't get too settled on this floor, because a girl's school will be needing rooms too'. As we were testosterone-crazed teenagers, we couldn't believe our ears. Later, we discovered that it was an all girls primary school.

Worse came when I cut myself on barbed wire in Sanctuary wood and nearly got tetanus, my friend got food poisoning from a Belgian burger and a teacher was detained by customs. My friend Charlie, having collapsed and subsequently recovered, had demanded his phone returned. it was, but he wasn't happy. The porn certainly hadn't got there by itself.

Afterwards we discovered that our dorm had put 100 consecutive hours into pokemon emerald.
(Tue 29th Apr 2014, 16:54, More)