b3ta.com user iwrite4u
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» Tragic Attempts at Being Cool

Bathroom inspector
One day at (my former) work at an office block, I ventured into the cloakroom/changing room/toilet/shower room hybrid towards the front of the building. There was someone in there - no idea who he was, but he did look cool: business suit, neatly trimmed beard. He was obviously someone important, or at least someone who thought he was important.

Me being a friendly chap, I smiled at him. However, the look I got in return was one that (probably quite rightly) said "Don't you smile at me! Look at how cool and important I am! I wipe shit like you off my shoes every day! You disgust me!" - he waltzed importantly past me, then grasped the door handle to make a purposeful and important exit ...

... only, he didn't grasp the door handle to the door to exit, he accidentally grasped the adjacent door which led to the shower, which was about the size of a toilet cubicle. As his important momentum carried him into the tiny room and he realised he'd walked into a dead end, amoment of horror, humility and embarrassment wiped across his face ...

... until he realised how to rescue the situation. He took several important moments to look importantly around the tiny cubicle, nodding wisely throughout as though - of course - he'd deliberately gone into the shower room to see if it was up to his important standards. He then waltzed past me again and exited the cloak/changing rooms by the proper door.

I hope he heard me laughing as he marched importantly away.
(Fri 6th Nov 2015, 14:59, More)

» Things you can't unsee...

Indecent Exposure
I was in a local pub with workmates in the early 1990s, for a pint during dinner break. It was hardly a horrible pub, but hardly a brilliant one. After a game of pool we chose a booth and sat down to finish our beers.

After a couple of minutes, we noticed a very dodgy-looking couple sitting in the booth opposite us. They looked to be mid 50s, and by coincidence, "mid 50s" probably described the last time either of them had had a wash.

The bloke was "portly" and had the face of a professional port-drinker. His clothes were held together by threads and sheer willpower. I was drawn to the crotch of his trousers which seems to have all the substance of a spider's web. I didn't look too much - but I could swear he'd decided to "go commando" ...

... and my worst fears were confirmed two seconds later when he slightly shifted position and his dick flopped out of one of the holes. I was not the only one transfixed by this sight - all my colleagues has seen and were muttering expletives as they couldn't believe what they were seeing.

The filthy bastard noticed that we were looking, reddened slightly and quietly shoved his dick back into the same hole it had just flopped out of, and then carried on chatting with his dirty-looking whore of a companion.

Dirty old bastard.
(Sat 14th Feb 2015, 13:20, More)

» Life Hacks

If you are seeking a private maths tutor, make sure you ask for proof that the tutor is not a spider.
Spiders count in base 8, as opposed to the base 10 used by humans. For example, in spider mathematics 11 x 11 is 171, which would be incorrect in a human maths class.
(Fri 29th May 2015, 20:37, More)

» Little Victories II

Sacked
I went thru a bad period in my life (divorce and depression) and the large corporation I worked for helped me out no end by engineering a reason for my dismissal (basically, they trolled through my inbox and found about 25 'personal emails' in over a decade of work, which they said was a clear breach of policy and a security threat).

After two horrible months claiming JSA, I decided to go freelance.

This financial year I made 5,000 more than my salary when I was sacked, doing something I enjoy, getting out of bed when I want, not having a commute and not having to play stupid office politics.

Tis lovely.
(Mon 30th Mar 2015, 16:59, More)

» Life Hacks

Gents - when playing music, always turn the volume up slightly higher than you actually want it
This means that when your girlfriend or wife appears and invariably tuts then turns the music down a notch, it will now be at your perfect listening level.
(Fri 29th May 2015, 13:35, More)
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