» Injured Siblings

My brother...
..Jumped on my stomach when we were wrestling. I was in a lot of pain and began to piss blood. Lots of bright red "serious" blood.
I had a tumour on my kidney which he had cracked open.

Fortunately he saved my life by letting me know it was there. The doctors said I would have lasted about a fortnight longer otherwise.
(Fri 19th Aug 2005, 16:57, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

When I were a lad..
.. we had a lot of work done on the house and a new fireplace fitted. I wanted to help the builders unwrap it but as I moved towards it my Dad shouted "Careful, it's hot!". Naturaly I shot backwards across the lounge as my dad and his mates pissed themselves!

A few weeks later we had the kitchen done and a new oven was delivered. Despite the fact that two men had just carried it inside from a lorry, when I moved towards it the old fella shouted "Careful, it's hot!". Once again I darted away. Idiot.
(Wed 14th Jan 2004, 15:14, More)

» Impromptu Games You Play

I once worked...
...For a well-known burger chain with a yellow clown for a chairman. We invented several games to make the day more fun and keep the general public waiting longer for their 'food'.

1)Laps.
To be played between 12 and 2, Saturday lunchtime. You leave your till and walk off behind the milkshake machine and through the kitchen. Come back into the front part at the opposite end you left, tap your playing partner on the shoulder and take another lap. The aim is to walk as many laps as possible before someone catches you and marches you back out to your till or, heaven forbid, a customer manages to catch your eye and you're forced to serve them.

2) I Beg Your Pardon?
When working in a burger chain it is customary to have to yell out for food which has been given an abbreviated name. The punters have no idea what these names mean and tend not to listen. This mean you can shout out personal comments about the people you are serving without them noticing.
"Four Cheese, One Quarter, Enormous Jugs!"
"Taking your last Veg, I've got a crap haircut!"
You lost when someone said "I beg your pardon?"

3)Point The New Smoked Glass Dome Covered CCTV Cameras Down So You Can Look Down Girl's Tops In The Summer.
Self explanatory really.
(Tue 30th Mar 2004, 15:55, More)

» My Worst Vomit

Giant Mushroom
Some years ago, as a teenager, I wore a brace. A massive train-track one across my top row of teeth. Once in a while this had to be tightened which shifted all of my teeth around and took a few days to calm down. Whilst my teeth were being pulled around I had to be careful when eating as chewing and biting were out of the question. I had to put small pieces of food in my mouth and just push them around until I could swallow them.

Lovely.

So, it's Saturday afternoon and I'm at a family do having had the brace tightened on the Friday before. My great Aunt has made these giant stuffed mushrooms where you take the 'cap' of the mushroom and put a big dollop of spicy/herby stuff on the top. 'Hmmmm', I thought, 'I'll have one of them'. As I bit into the mushroom I realised it was a bit tough to just rip a piece off. As I was surrounded by elderly relatives and 'on best behaviour' I had no choice other than to force the whole thing into my gob and do a cartoon-style-swallow where you could probably see the mushroom force its way down my throat. Wash down with wine - all OK.

Come the evening and I'm half cut and off to my mate's house for a party. The usual part comes here, beer, cider, spirits, beer etc. etc.

Suddenly, I start to choke and gag, I'm turning red, then purple, then blue. Everybody gathers round to see if I die. Then, with a massive 'Hurrrgh' the still whole mushroom shoots out of my mouth and across the patio followed by a trail of beery mess and assorted choice chunks from the day's buffet.

Lovely.
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 16:12, More)

» Toilets

Automatic Flush?
McD's restaurant: New kid is taken to see the fancy, proto-type, voice-activated toilet in the staff room. It's for hygiene you see?

I say 'Flush!' in a stern voice and my mate, who is hiding in the girls' changing room with all the plumbing maintainence panels open, pulls the chain from inside the cistern. Et voila!

End of shift new kid spends forever shouting "Flush! Flush! FLUSH!" at the damn thing.

He even took us seriously when we said they were designed in America so he may need to put on an accent.

Ah.
Happy days.
(Wed 7th Sep 2005, 23:58, More)