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NEWSLETTER: "JOKE FREE FOR LEGAL PURPOSES"

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This Week:
* COCKS - Add them to your photos
* HATE MAIL - People want to be insulted
* BABIES - Slowed down, at last

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the whale    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   until we've finished
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     our chips.. together"

B3ta email 550  - 12 Oct 2012

Read this issue backwards & summon the Devil:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue550 

   Hugs   :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Shrugs : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Pre-order Paper White Amazon Kindle

  We're very excited that the Paper White Kindle
  is coming to the UK for the 25th October. This
  is a backlit Kindle so you can read the fucking
  thing in bed without having to attach a stupid
  snake light to it which looks like shit.
  Apparently better resolution too but we don't
  remember the old one being low resolution - so
  62% more pixels to read your 50 Shades Of Grey
  mum porn.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007OZO03M/b3ta-21
  

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Making fun, that's what

  >> Immature Bokeh <<
  "Online communities for photography are either
  really twee, or po-faced," claims
  nachimir. "I thought they could definitely do
  with more knobs and bollocks." For the
  uninitiated, bokeh is that photography thing
  where lights are surrounded by lots of little
  shapes. Our fave of this lot is the little cloud
  of fucks.
http://www.immaturebokeh.co.uk/


  >> Weebl's Christmas Nativity <<
  "Me and Weebl united once again!" rejoices
  Wonchop. This is an excellent thing and
  extremely seasonal. Sadly, not this season, but
  that's still a quality.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Weebls_Christmas_Nativity


  >> Goodbye Max X <<
  "The last Max film," rasps Sheep! "Although not
  the last film I'll ever make..." 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Branding


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Driven to Madness
 
  We wanted to know what drives you up the wall
  these days. Beyond Comic Sans, that is:
http://b3ta.com/questions/driventomadness/
 
  Here's a top 0x0A:

  * People who talk during a film.
  * Women who shriek when they meet.
  * Wheelie luggage twats.
  * People who pout in photos.
  * God botherers.
  * Litter louts.
  * Those bastards who put coffee in the sugar.
  * Men that tell you what women like.
  * People who use hexadecimal by default.

   ... and ...

  * HKLP: "Holds Knife Like Pen"

  >> This Week - THE BEST THING I'VE BUILT <<
  What have you made that makes you proud? It
  doesn't have to work, just make you feel good.
http://b3ta.com/questions/bestthingivebuilt/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> We really want a 3D printer <<
  Listening to the 80s pop song Twist in my
  Sobriety the other day and noticed a pretty and
  delightfully melancholy oboe part. Googling the
  player we've found he's called Malcolm Messiter
  and has recently been using a 3D printer to mend
  his harpsichord. What a chap.
http://bit.ly/TlucPq


  >> Robot cloud analyser <<
  In some wondrous meeting of science and whimsy
  the Pareidolic Robot spends its time scanning
  clouds for formations that look like faces.
  Would it spoil the magic to make it look for
  sky cocks?
http://www.di12.rca.ac.uk/projects/pareidolic-robot/


  >> Film versus Music <<
  Website randomly links a scene from a film to a
  random bit of music. Yakety Sax vs Commando
  worked well for us. In fact anything with Yakety
  Sax added is immediately funny - the more
  serious the source material the better. 
http://film-v-music.com/


  >> One night stand schadenfreude <<
  A site where women can put up texts from men to
  ask "what do they mean?" Here's a tip - when
  people don't make an effort to re-connect, 99
  times out of a 100 they aren't bothered. Painful
  to read.
http://hetexted.com/


  >> How much do cats actually kill?? <<
  A lot apparently. They are murdering shits who
  murder shit.
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/cats_actually_kill


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Because YouTube needs more traffic

  >> Hate mail <<
  The Dalai Farmer writes: "This project from
  misterbingo sends beautifully-crafted abuse to
  people via the near-forgotten medium of
  postcard. Some of the brilliantly abusive
  content is shown off in this video which no
  doubt has b3ta appeal." Long but rather
  interesting.
http://vimeo.com/34951319/

  Dalai also writes: "Oh and further to my
  previous email, he has a book out with a
  selection of delicious abuse within."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0718159039/b3ta-21


  >> Alcohol Vaporizer Bong <<
  If you're bored with the necessity of having to
  drink alcohol maybe you'd like to try inhaling
  it instead? Apparently gets you drunk very
  quickly with the added fun of increased risk of
  acute alcohol poisoning. Have fun kids and don't
  drink the liquid nitrogen cocktails on Freshers
  Week.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zs2CjmOvqSA


  >> Bottles Beware! <<
  Be-bearded fatty strikes fear into the hearts of
  water containers everywhere, with his quick-draw
  sword and knife techniques. Why is it always
  water in these vids - surely a huge balloon of
  blood would be more impressive? Also, he is very
  fast with a sword and very, very fat.
http://b3ta.com/links/Bottles_Beware


  >> The shape of a sound <<
  Salt, sprinkled on a vibrating tray, forms very
  different patterns, depending on the pitch of
  the sound - surprisingly quickly, too.
http://youtu.be/DGSU5rcHmRQ


  >> Slowed-down Babies <<
  Giggling toddler, at half-speed, sounds like an
  over-enthusiastic and slow-witted giant man.
  Still infectious though. When it comes to
  crying, one commenter sums it up best as "sounds
  like generic retarded cyclops."  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xf-axyR2z5w
http://bit.ly/Tlup5d


  >> Peculiar anime duet <<
  No idea what's going on here, but it's highly
  odd and rather enjoyable.
http://b3ta.com/links/_:99


  >> Bad Lip Reading Presidential debate <<
  The Bad Lip Reading crew turn Obama and Romney's
  head-to-head into a beautiful, surreal musical.
  "I'm not a robot. I wish...!"
http://b3ta.com/links/Eye_of_the_Sparrow


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Redefining funny as unfunny since 1973

  * SINGAPORE LADY - we just hope she brushes her
  teeth.
http://www.nie.edu.sg/profile/chew-shit-fun

  * COCK CHEM - K2k6 writes, "Part of my job
  involves testing materials for polycyclic
  aromatic hydrocarbons such as
  benzo(k)fluoranthene. To the untrained eye, its
  chemical structure just looks like, well, a
  chemical structure. But to a b3tard..."
http://www.chemspider.com/Chemical-Structure.8804.html

  * THORNTONS FUN - wideeye writes, "Saw this in
  my local co-op... Interesting phrasing there, Mr
  Thornton."
http://bit.ly/PrPfUZ


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Draw your own computer game

  Deceptively simple playing fields and controls -
  mindless fun ensues - we like it mainly for the
  DIY art, extremely reminiscent of Line Rider
  circa 2006 - but executed using HTML5 canvas
  stuff which means Adobe hate it and will cry
  flash vector tears if you play it.
http://canvasrider.com/tracks


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Make unhappy endings happy - the results!

  Your favourites included:
 
  * HAPPY SE7ENTH BIRTHDAY! What's in the box?
  (HappyToast)
http://b3ta.com/board/10857705
 
  * ROBOT POSTS JOKE ON FACEBOOK - satire totally
  unconnected to us. (Monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/10860230
  
  * AND THEY ALL SHINED ON - if only Kubrick had
  lived to make this director's cut. (Brian
  O'Blivion)
http://b3ta.com/board/10858600


  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/happy-unhappy/


  >> New challenge: New torture devices <<
  This week's challenge is to invent new and
  painful ways of extracting information from
  people. Make these foul contraptions as
  revolting, unlikely and cruel as possible.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/torture/popular/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * iPHONE KEYBOARD BLOKE GETS KICKSTARTER CASH -
  Craig Rothwell writes, "It looks like it could
  hit $200k which is just amazing and $50k over
  what we had hoped for. Those of you who
  supported us early on really helped get the
  momentum going! Kickstarter is an amazing
  resource for start ups. I really think it will
  change how small businesses are funded when it
  launches in the UK. If you have an idea, I'd
  start planning your project now - the first ones
  on the UK site are bound to get enormous press
  attention."
http://kck.st/PpPyKw

  Also Craig mentions, "I made an alternative
  video for it too, which we didn't use (for
  obvious reasons) but which is more entertaining:"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWAOQW5yGZY


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SOLUTIONS TO FACIAL HAIR - shaving is just so
  1990s.
  
  * LEARNING TO SEE UNDERWATER - we're convinced
  if we swim enough underwater we'll get better at
  it. Have any of you done this?
  
  * A USE FOR HEAD-LICE - we've got loads of them.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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 Bumchums :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Bumbastards:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by *redacted* & David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by tubaman, murray,
  UltimateMonkey, skeltonator, Tusk, Herb Alpert's
  Taxi Driver, ok, chompedhomas, Linbox, haxworth.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Munsta. 
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Take lots of exercise and eat properly. The list
  of problems it helps with is almost limitless;
  depression, not being able to sleep, anxiety,
  confidence, longevity, heart disease. You name
  it basically. Your mum was right.

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