Wanking the night away
Wanking the night awaay,
I go all soft, but I get up again
Ain't never gonna keep me down
I go all soft, but I get up again...anyway, I digress.

I've copped a lot of flack for my opinions on the reasons for this girl's shortcomings over the years, which is strange, because you'd think it was completely fucking obvious that being brought up convinced you were filthy and contaminated, and being told absolutely nothing about your...areas (shudder) except that they were unclean and vile, was the root of her (and many others' besides!) problems with sex.
The popular masturbatory conception is that in the absence of information plus the repeated insistences that it's dirty, girls emerge from their upbringings to become super freaks in the bedroom, ever hungry for more filth and cock. While still dressed in their schoolgirl outfits.
Never rung true for me. Apart from anything else, have you ever seen the uniforms at a Catholic school? Modest doesn't entirely cover it. Lots of cloth does, though.
Anyway, I was young and eager and not entirely sure of myself in the bedroom, which is probably why I didn't give up earlier. I don't know why shaven havens are so universally popular, but I know why they're popular with me.

Because once upon a time I had to carefully pick apart the crusted-together hairs in order to gain entry.

I guess not paying that area any attention whatsoever when showering is God's own chastity belt, because more than once I tried putting it in only to find that it was blocked by a net of pubes. Fuck knows why I tried going down on her more than once. I guess I was just doing my best to produce that gratifying, earth shaking pinnacle of female pleasure.
You know. A response.

Anyway, all this is to give you some idea of why it wasn't a good idea for me to tell her the truth when she phoned one evening and I didn't answer. I was hardly the one to coax her from her hangups and show the mysteries and the meaning of love, so sex was as rare as it was dull, and my balls had long since gone past blue to a sort of tense, straining off-white. Regular and exuberant thrashing of the foremost fellow was absolutely necessary. Don't get me wrong, I liked her, but I also liked ejaculating, and I wasn't about to stop cause the phone was ringing. So when I was done, I wiped down my face and called her back.

Her: Why didn't you answer?
Me: Sorry. I was...let's just say I was busy shall we?
Her: Doing what?
Me: (sensing that telling the truth might be foolish) Guy stuff?
Her: I hope you don't mean you were playing with yourself.
Me: (Yup! :D Twice!) Well, yeah...sorry about that. I'm paying attention now though. How's things?
Her: (screaming so loud that all I hear down the phone is static)
Me: (drums fingers, waits)
Her: *static*
Me: (waits)
Her: (finally intelligible) What the hell's wrong? Am I not good enough for you?
Me: (No) Of course, of course. It's just one of those things. it doesn't mean I don't fancy you.
Her: It does it does it does too.
Me: Um. Don't you masturbate?
Her: NO!!! God no! That's revolting!
Me: Look, forget about it. I, uh, won't ever do it again, not at all, no sirree.
Her: I'm not talking to you.
Me: Oh.
Her: Goodbye. *click*
Me: (goes off and wanks again, is single and alone for the next three years)



(I also count this as a disaster, because it's so blatantly unfair; after getting her clitoral hood pierced, Falstaffette can now achieve orgasm by sitting funny. Maybe has to wiggle slightly. She takes great pleasure in informing me of this afterwards:
"Hee hee; I just came three times on that bus journey."
"What? You sly minx!"
It's not the same though, because I don't grudge her it...much.)
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 10:40, 13 replies)

Did they have to napalm the jungle to get that piercing right? Tell me you are back on the one man saddle, 'cos that is just too sad otherwise.
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 10:45, closed)

Different girls entirely.
Chastity Belt was nearly a decade ago.

Falstaffette actually comes from a Catholic background too, but she has absolutely no sexual hangups. She basically started our relationship with 'Hey. I just fucked that guy. Can I fuck you now?'

Self-esteem, now, that's another matter.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 10:52, closed)

Sounds like a keeper.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 10:53, closed)

I'm simplifying quite a lot. She's a really sweet girl
once you get used to the idea that she thinks 'fidelity' is something you do while sober.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 11:00, closed)

What you're trying to tell us is that she's a slag
That said you're not exactly catch of the day yourself.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 11:29, closed)

I'm actually really glad you changed your name back
I found the last one kind of offensive.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 11:41, closed)

I have a suspicion
that Rory Lion is actually a nice, intelligent friendly bloke, and has a separate login for these posts.

Nobody can really be like this. Not all the time, surely?
( Not Pineapple anymore, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:14, closed)

I'm only just starting to understand he has a beautifully understated wit
That he wraps in brutal, childish name-calling.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:18, closed)

I'm ninety-eleven percent positive
that he isn't quite like this in real life, so I guess that counts?
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 16:42, closed)

Rory Lion
you sir are a cunt
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 14:13, closed)

Sheesh, well rid
Doesn't think men wank? You were quite right to, in the words of Dan Savage, DTMFA...
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:50, closed)

" a response"
have a click just this line

I guess I was just doing my best to produce that gratifying, earth shaking pinnacle of female pleasure.
You know. A response.

i think next time i am away visiting for a shag i may turn the life support of and see if that raises a response, you know that they have some really fit nurses on that ward and they keep eying me up



oohh
ohh
ohh no not that sort of response?
ahh better leave the switches alone then
and go back to killbill
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 15:39, closed)

I would be highly suspicious
Of any man who told me that he DIDN'T wank. A lot of women, too - although, it's kind of taboo for women to admit that they like to flick the bean. I don't know, they all smell of roses and never fart or have bodily excretions or something.
(Draco Rattus ate all the pies on, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 21:59, closed)