2 into 1.
I live in Sweden - and it pains me to tell you this, but I have eaten "SurStrömming".
Sprouts are like Cadbury's chocolate... and Smoked Eel (eaten here at x-mas) is a tasty treat in comparison.

Here's how the culinary comedians make it.
Catch Herring.
Kill Herring
Put Herring in Salt water... and LEAVE IT OUT IN THE SUN. (wankers)
Check to see if the fish stinks yet...
Leave it out in the sun some more.
Tin the herring in special corrugated tins that can expand. (this shit FERMENTS)

There are some airlines who won't allow you to fly with this stuff. NOT because the exploding tin is dangerous, but because the smell is impossible to get rid of, and until the plane is stripped and re-furnished, all passengers will be vomiting and gagging.

So... A happy summers day and a Swede says "Hey... have you tried Shuurshtrööömming yet?"
My first mistake was to say "no"
Leif happily produces a Tin that looks like a metal Football, and grinning like a wanking Eskimo he places it on a fencing post and hands me a rifle... "open it" says he...

My second shot grazed the tin, and it span off into the long grass hissing like an angry moggie with a stick of ginger up it's arse.

The smell of the fetid fish-oil on the approach to the tin made me gag... this is quite literately rotten fish, and you can buy it in the supermarkets. some of the tins aren't even even painted - probably because it just peels off again..

Admittedly when eating it you back it up with shed-loads of vodka and the like, but I honestly have never tasted anything so vile in my entire life. Even managing to get it into your mouth is a hurdle - based on the smell, your body tries to reject it. A reasonable reflex in my opinion.
The purest Absolout failed to strip my pallet of the taste, and god knows, I tried again and again.

Sprouts, (though it is satan's addition to x-mas), are a meal for kings when compared.

I developed the opinion that anything that has to be opened at a distance with a firearm should not actually be classed as food.


~~~~~~~~~~ Wavy lines ~~~~~~~~~~~~


Now.. Midsummer in Sweden is one HELL of a party. I've been here for a good few years, and I can't remember a single Midsummer where people haven't got royally rat-arsed, or fallen over while dancing round the giant phallic symbol that we erect for the party: Rinsing your recently abused pallette of rotten fish with large quantities of Vodka and Akvavit can get you more drunk than you'd care to imagine.. but as for the frog-dance there is no excuse.

Anyway... there's lots of rampant alcohol fuelled shagging that goes on. This night I was going to become another statistic.

6am, and the missus and I have swayed home in the lazy and meandering way that the drunks have perfected over an eternity of liver-abuse... We were determined to nail each other to the bed when we get home. Now.. to be fair to her she was awesome in bed, it's just that this night was about to go wrong. Terribly terribly wrong.

We'd both been drinking for nearly 12 hours straight. We were both obscenely drunk... I could hardly keep my body erect, let alone Mr Winky. Missus Humpty decided that - as sitting on my face was always a dead-cert for trouser-snake charming - she'd hoik her grass-stained dress up, and ride my face.. This she did. Rather hard. I'm not only used to this, but a great fan to boot. My tongue worked away at her feverishly, her cute puckered barking-spider a bare few milimeters from my nose. I was in heaven, and - riding my face like a drunken pro - so was she.

She was sat in the perfect position to tug away at any signs of life, and as she and I both neared the point of no return I - mouth full of mimsy - was forced to heave air through my nose at a colossal rate, much like a jet-fighter at full throttle just before take-off....

We both came.... and - as fate would have it - the orgasm ripping through her body caused her to grind down harder on my face.. and fart: forcefully injecting un-diluted rectal gasses into my air-hungry nose.

A FULLL force, and totally ripe, hot Surströmming fart (far worse than the initial burst of smell from the tin), CLEAN up my nostrils. The reaction was instant.. and completely unaware of her crime and mistaking my convulsions as throws of exstacy, Mrs Humpty ground down harder on my face as I gasped for air.. The enormity of my horror peaked as, in the full grip of natural bolidy rejection, I hoyed my alocohol-rich stomach content, including a large amount of undigested, rotten fish, straight up her pink mitten.

As the fetid herring now deeply stuck in my nostrils caused me to start a gagging fit that threatened to be my last, She ran screaming to the bathroom leaving a trail of stomach acid, alcohol and rotten chunks of fish behind her on the floor as it gushed from her burning mimsy.



Never combine stomach acid, rotten fish, and oral sex. It *really* isn't fun.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 1 Jun 2011, 10:05, 15 replies)

I liked it then..
Still makes me chuckle now..
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 10:08, closed)

This is still magnificent.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 10:11, closed)

i have guffawed and thus i have clicked
I developed the opinion that anything that has to be opened at a distance with a firearm should not actually be classed as food.


a great line
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 10:16, closed)

Wonderful as ever
And I can concur about the vileness of this supposed 'foodstuff'

Humpty decided to bring a tin of this stuff to Ogwen69's stag do some years ago and of course we all had to have a go, it's not necessarily the taste that's so bad (and believe me it is bloody awful) its the way it bloody lingers. I only had the smallest amount and I could not get rid of the taste for love nor money.

The other unfortunate impact was the effect of a bunk barn full of blokes who have eaten this and then had a belly full of real ale. Now the smell of a room full of hungover blokes the day after is usually pretty ripe, but add in fermenting fish products and you have a niff so noxious that it will have dictators queuing up to bottle the stuff for use on their indigenous population of choice.
( Rhubarb_Triangle, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 10:34, closed)

Clickity Click

(Kip, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 10:45, closed)

I'm now rethinking my upcoming trip to Sweden on the basis of the latter part of your post.
No one can make me do the frog dance.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 12:48, closed)

you know....
... that you're still welcome to stop by and use us as a pitstop? No surströmming I promise.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 1 Jun 2011, 12:55, closed)

That's definitely a possibility.
We might have a day or two before or after Midsommar for some travelling round, depending on how long the drive from the UK takes with a small, willful child in a small, boring car seat. Will contact you off of here...
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 13:16, closed)

Definitely worthy
of a click.
(ThatNiceMan thought he was being funny, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 13:36, closed)

That was 'Pukka', blud.

( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 13:42, closed)

fantastic and repulsive in equal measures

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 16:55, closed)

Now I really must try this.
Do they sell Surstromming in many places there? I take it the cans are easy to spot though.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 18:21, closed)

The Cans...
... are not always rounded. they only become rounded when people take them home and keep them for too long.

The tins in the supermarkets are easily recognised: they're the ones people are skirting around carefully.

Youtube "Surströmming" to find the video of a Brit trying to eat some: He manages better than most.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 1 Jun 2011, 18:47, closed)

You deserve a click
Just for eating the vile stuff in the first place. Congratulations, I think.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 20:01, closed)

Never gets old :)
clickity
( pixel_fucker is going to need a bigger brush, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 20:33, closed)