When I did salsa and ballroom I had a nice bum,
but since I quit exercising I've become an ex-pert dancer
(le renard, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 11:06, Reply)

25 years in IT
Doing lots of shite jobs. Know next to nothing. You'd be astonished how little I know.
But I am very good at saying "25 years in the IT industry" appropriately and creating a mystique.

Never mind the length, feel the girth.
(lndl, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 10:47, Reply)

Starting fires
I scoff at others pathetic attempts to start even a small BBQ. I don't even need accelerants. But they can be fun if you have them.
(Rich T has a clever and witty sig, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 10:39, Reply)

Let me see...
I am an expert in pooing watery shit aka diarrhoea, remembering every single movie/trailer I have ever seen within 5 seconds of watching any scene, sniffing out bad conker, and an expert sniper in MoH:AA. And I also have a PhD in HIV-1 pathogenesis.
( Solidhart needs to sleep badly, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 10:33, Reply)

I have
numerous qualifications in Welsh.
( owain2002, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 10:31, Reply)

I'm an expert at
doing dumps that leave me incapable of walking for a good ten minutes.
(Arty Morty, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 10:25, Reply)

useless stuff
Im an eexpert in:

the use of cleavable sulphoxide auxilliaries in chiral synthesis


Microfluidic chemical systems
(littlebootshorse, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 10:13, Reply)

I know I shouldn't
But Dew what we got here is a little game of show and tell. You don't wanna show me nothing but you're telling me everything. If you wanna pretend to be good at Goldeneye you have to realise it has to be played in turbo mode with Auto aim and Radar off of course, but, and this is the clever part, everyone has to put their health down as low as it goes. This has the same effect as playing in “Licence to Kill” mode as one shot kills, UNLESS you pick up body armour in which case you get one extra hit. You understand? Adds that extra bit of skill.

We failed degrees working at running around facing walls to disguise where we were and knowing exactly where the next player spawns so you can shoot them as they appear.

Sorry but you don't stand a chance.

Nothing proves expertise like the willingness to spout without shame and in far too much detail about a subject which interests nobody.
(Sir Ian Blair, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 10:09, Reply)

I'm very good at
doing things and then forgetting that I've already done them and then... oh bugger!!!
(Biscuit Boy - aka - mcvpjd3, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 9:46, Reply)

Me expertise is in
doing things and then forgetting that I've already done them and then doing them again...
(Biscuit Boy - aka - mcvpjd3, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 9:45, Reply)

I'm an expert at
doing things and then forgetting that I've already done them and then doing them again...
(Biscuit Boy - aka - mcvpjd3, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 9:45, Reply)

Expert at
doing things and then forgetting that I've already done them and then doing them again...
(Biscuit Boy - aka - mcvpjd3, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 9:44, Reply)

I'm an expert at
spelling my name wrong
(Karl avec un K I am an England fan, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 9:41, Reply)

Music
I have the annoying and incredibly uninteresting ability to name almost any song that I've heard or owned, even if it's only backgroung in an advert. Pisses people right off. Oh, and 1980's trainers, cars, and aircraft. The last one almost got me into a fight at Duxford when I was younger as an old duffer wouldn't yield to my knowledge when he got a type of Me 109 wrong (he was an ex WW2 pilot and I was a scruffy little kid). And reading, 3-5 books a week on the train.
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 9:32, Reply)

Superman II
For some reason I know everything about this film. Story by Mario 'Godfather' Puzo . Bell hop played by Anthony Sher... this is the reason I have sex with all the ladies.
(Error 404 - Username Unknown, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 9:29, Reply)

I'm
An expert in pretending to be a kettle.

I can do the whistling boiled kettle noise, too.

It's really, really... useful.
(Nearly, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 9:24, Reply)

Burping Words
im an expert in Burping words... so is me sister too but she issnt in my league.

my record is.. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. all in one burp..

go on beat that i bloody dare you !

p.s. if u burp fart and sneeze at the same time you loose control of all you bodily funcions at the same time... it very nearly happened to me and it was pretty bloody scary i can tell you i hanaged to only be sick out of me nose... still thats a risk of us burping pioneers :)

.
(big finger, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 9:23, Reply)

lying
Not bad lieing, like being a bitch to others etc, but making up a fibs for others to get em out of shite. It saved my next door neighbours ass loads of times when we were little.....

...the funny thing is tho, I dont have the concience to lie myself....and I hate Liers!
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Fri 24 Jun 2005, 9:21, Reply)

Vomiting
Im a pro vomiter- seems to have happened a lot to me through various illness and stress related problems- can guage a bowl from 30 yards
(Keyser Soze, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 9:20, Reply)

Beef fat
Spent several holidays while a student working in a dripping factory.

In unprocessed form I can tell your best fat from your stomach fat from your shop fat from your suet.

A valuable life skill which I still use on a regular basis.
(Neilster, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 9:18, Reply)

Staring out of the window...
I've got sitting and staring out of the window whilst enjoying a nice cup of tea down to a fine art. I'm thinking of starting it up as a negligible degree option (ala Klingon, text language etc) with a particular emphasis on dunking biscuits and smirking at people having an unpleasant time in the rain. 'Those who can, teach' after all.

I also know EVERYTHING about professional wrestling and comics.

But stay back ladies, I'm married.
(mudflaps, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 9:17, Reply)

Fun with cats
I'm an expert in making cats look like other creatures.

For example, if you gently push the cats ears forward and down, you can make it look like a buffalo. If you stroke its head quite firmly so that you cover its ears, and its eyes are pulled back slightly, it looks like a snake.

I'm also an expert in getting scratched by pissed-off cats.
(Pachey, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 8:59, Reply)

I've got
Breathing down to a fine art. That actually is about it... It's a lonely world that of the untalented.
(Mr.Nipplecat, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 8:58, Reply)

Im an expert in:
Software Engineering, apparently. Although I wouldnt trust some of the software I wrote thats "out there".

Id also like to think Im an expert in Rock Music, my blood alcohol level has an effect on this expertise.
(Reesy, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 8:54, Reply)

I'm an expert at...
...pulling lobsters out of Jane Mansfield's arse.
Failing that I have a City and Guilds in bar Skills. Yes, I'm qualified to not only drink large quantities of beer, but to pour them too.
(DustyD, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 8:42, Reply)

Unfortunately...
...I don't really consider myself an expert at anything. I'm just quite good at a lot of things. But things I am reeeeally good at (but maybe they can't actually be classed as expert) include...

making mushroom omelettes
cutting a grapefruit properly so it's incredibly easy to eat
the game 'collapse' on my mobile phone. (topped a million yesterday)
typing (80 wpm+)
sight-reading (but only singing, and i'd rather be good on the piano)
making people think that my biology degree paid off and i know lots about medical and biological stuff (whereas i've forgotten most of it. i can always make up convincing crap on the spot though)
reverse parking (even though i'm a girl)

that's all. i've just realised that doesn't make me into nearly as exciting a person as i thought it would.

ah well... apologies for depth and all that.
(me'n'my monkey, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 8:17, Reply)

I'm an expert at...
...folding the chopstick paper pockets into a chopstick holder (so as not to stain the table cloth when you put them down.)
(st0pid, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 8:12, Reply)

suckers
oh, and blow jobs apparantly
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Fri 24 Jun 2005, 8:01, Reply)

useless stuff
Im an expert in remembering loads of lyrics to loads of songs, blackadder, bottom, young ones...and such other pointless stuff. Give me study books and i cant remember nowt of it.
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Fri 24 Jun 2005, 8:00, Reply)

Farting, mostly.
I am an expert in breaking wind noisily at just the right moment in any situation for it to be funny, regardless of odour. And also of being able to talk to people of supposed "higher social status" such as a boss-type person or even a 'Sir' as if they were the bin man and getting away with it. I really am a cheeky, lovable cunt at times.
( Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 7:43, Reply)