You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Home » Question of the Week » Family codes and rituals » Post 310393 | Search
This is a question Family codes and rituals

Freddy Woo writes, "as a child we used to have a 'whoever cuts doesn't choose the slice' rule with cake. It worked brilliantly, but it's left me completely anal about dividing up food - my wife just takes the piss as I ritually compare all the slice sizes."

What codes and rituals does your family have?

(, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 18:05)
Pages: Latest, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, ... 1

« Go Back

Some family rituals are better cunted in the fuck
Not a funny one.

Throughout my childhood, the only male member of my father's side of the family who didn't "have a go at me" was my father. From the age of 18 months, Uncle Thomas was caught having a fiddle inside my nappy. I remember at around four years old asking, "Mammy, why does Uncle George do nasty kisses?"
"What do you mean pet?"
"I don't like his kisses, they're all wet and he puts his tongue inside my mouth."

And so it went on. Never any nakedness or penetration, just inappropriate fondling. Constantly being told how gorgeous I was by my grandad, as he slipped £5 inside my skirt.
"Didn't you get a birthday card from uncletony this year?" my mother asked.
"Er, no. Maybe it got lost in the post?" I suggested. I had received his card - a picture of a woman wearing a wet vest, complete with sticky-out raspberries. It read, "To Sexpot, from Stinky". I was 11 or 12, and far too embarassed to put this one on display with the other cards. He was by far the worst. Every Christmas he'd buy me extortionately expensive gifts. Buying my silence. Etc.

So I grew up believing that was my purpose in life. There were frequently other adults around, none of whom seemed to react or notice anything amiss. "It must be ok then", thought my innocent little mind. "I don't like it, but none of the grown-ups ever say anything."

At 8 years old I developed alopecia. My GP diagnosed me with depression. However, my mother was discouraged from seeking any treatment for me as "it would remain on my medical and school records permanently". To say she still feels guilty about that is an understatement.

I took an overdose at 10 years old (24 paracetamol washed down with 2 litres of cider) to no avail. From 14, I began drinking really heavily, getting shitfaced to the point of oblivion. When I lost my virginity to rape 2 weeks after my 16th birthday, it wasn't any big deal - it was par for the course.

I left home at 18 to begin my nurse training. Then began my promiscuity in earnest. So absent was my self esteem, and so desperate I was for affection, I'd hop in the sack with any bloke. It was worth enduring the filth of sex to get a cuddle afterwards.


Then I found DG. Or he found me. We didn't sleep together for 4 weeks. We shared a bed, just cuddling all night. He respected me. He didn't just want sex. He wanted to know me, was interested in who I was. The more he knew, he still stuck around; accepting and respecting me regardless.

Here we are, almost 6 years later. He knows every nook and cranny of my darkness, knows all the vile things I've done over the years. And he's still here; accepting, respecting and loving me regardless. He makes me feel it's ok to be me. I'm not a bad person; I'm not dirty, contaminated goods. I'm ok.

On the 8th April next year, we're getting married at Gretna Green. Then we're in Edinburgh for the weekend, attending teh b3ta bash with lovely people. I'm more than a tad chuffed about that.
(, Sun 23 Nov 2008, 19:12, closed)
I've clicked 'I like this'
But that's probably the wrong thing.

Anyone wanting a lesson in family disfunctionality 101? You don't know the half of what my missus has had to endure; this is a good place to start. Six years on and I'm still finding out stuff that chills me to the bone.

And I'm not going anywhere.
(, Sun 23 Nov 2008, 19:24, closed)
not even over here?
I have beer.

waves bonio biscuit at DG, here Deegee deegee deegee, cmon boy, *pats thighs* cmon, theres a good grandad.

oh, sorry to be trivial on such a horrible post Tourettes, that above is fucking nasty until the davros part.

Ruffles DG behind the ears, good boy.
(, Sun 23 Nov 2008, 19:51, closed)
Don't apologise pet!
DG could do with a good ruffle ;o)
(, Sun 23 Nov 2008, 20:15, closed)
true
but I think him trying to sniff my crotch was a little too much
(, Sun 23 Nov 2008, 21:25, closed)
sorry about that Halfy....
I shall modify his social skills training ;o)
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 17:50, closed)
@DG
You sir, are a fucking hero!

* clicks your reply *
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 23:07, closed)
Congratulations!
To you both :)
Clicks for happy ending - the best type of ending!
(, Sun 23 Nov 2008, 19:26, closed)
^ thank you
Happy endings & fluffeh kittums FTW :o)
(, Sun 23 Nov 2008, 19:43, closed)

beginning = meh
end = woot
(, Sun 23 Nov 2008, 19:36, closed)
i think we need an
'i sympathise with you' button

good luck to the pair of you
(, Sun 23 Nov 2008, 20:15, closed)
Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, and a bloody big fuck to fuck it all.

Sometimes the strongest are those that have been surrounded by the weakest to learn from.

You have all my love and admiration.

XX
(, Sun 23 Nov 2008, 20:16, closed)
aw..... *scuffs feet*
Right back atcha Blousey!

*hugs*

xxx
(, Sun 23 Nov 2008, 20:23, closed)
Whoa
That's one hell of a start to life. I've met women who had not a tiny part of the abuse described above and it's still fucked them up massively.

Congrats on sorting a happy ending - you deserve it more than most.
(, Sun 23 Nov 2008, 20:48, closed)
*click* for an inspiring story
Some people seem to get no end of rubbish thrown at them , and often from such a young age. I have nothing but respect for you for not only being able to keep going in the face of such horribleness but to go on to build a happy life for yourself.

I hope you and DG have a really wonderful life together

*hugs*
(, Sun 23 Nov 2008, 21:43, closed)
Thank you all so much for the warm comments
I was in two minds whether to post this or not - now I'm glad I did. You people are all so accepting and kind. Hurray for catharsis! Hurray for b3ta! Hurray for nice people! Hurray for kittens & fluff! :o)
(, Sun 23 Nov 2008, 22:25, closed)
You summed it up perfectly...
"He makes me feel it's ok to be me. I'm not a bad person; I'm not dirty, contaminated goods. I'm ok."

Amen to that.
(, Sun 23 Nov 2008, 22:48, closed)
Although the story makes me feel sick inside...
... it also makes me glad to know that there are still nice people in the world.

I have 2 small kids and believe me if I thought for a second that something untowards was occuring to my kids I would be killing the twats responsible...

Big love to you and DG.

P.S. Edinburgh is where I was born and it is the most awesome city in the world.
(, Sun 23 Nov 2008, 23:10, closed)
Jesus,
I can't even begin to think of how that must have been like for you. Every once in a while there's a story like this on B3TA that really makes you think, thank you for posting and god bless.

All the best to you and DG!
(, Sun 23 Nov 2008, 23:35, closed)
As ever
clicking "I like this" doesn't seem right...but you know what I mean. Really glad you've found the right person. I'm getting married in less than 2 weeks (!) and both of us have our horrible scars from life and our fucked-up childhoods, but we've showed each other those scars, we still love and accept each other, and with luck, two damaged people can make one whole.

All the best and thanks for sharing. I love b3ta for making me laugh, and sometimes cry.
(, Sun 23 Nov 2008, 23:40, closed)
cant think how this made me feel....
The anger towards your family, the happiness at the end.Damn, it made me all emotional. Good luck in your future and all that, you really deserve it!
*wipes happy tear from eye*
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 0:59, closed)
fair play to you both
that was powerful
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 1:06, closed)
greatest sympathy
and hugs...

((Tourette's))
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 1:41, closed)
How come your dad never abused you?
Were you too ugly?
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 8:20, closed)
you
TWAT. Gosh, I bet you feel really "edgy" for making such a risqué comment. I bet it felt really good for a moment as you typed that, knowing that safe from behind your keyboard you'd once again violated the norms of basic decency.
Well done, you complete waste of fucking space. You're the first person I've ever put on "ignore".
Now, FUCK OFF and make sure you don't breed, you nasty piece of self-satisfied shit.
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 8:38, closed)
What justice is there in the world...?

When incredible, inspiring, phenomenally amazing people such as Tourettes are dealt such adversity in life, and have the courage and sheer cunting dignity to not only survive, but to flourish into being an exceptionally wonderful, warmhearted human being, with whom it was my great pleasure to meet and exchange sweariness pleasantaries with.

Yet this Woodside cunt is a parasitic, wart-ridden, diseased rat's cock-end who only probably leaves the security and privilidge of B3ta (no doubt paid for by mumsy) to snuggle into his beddy-byes with a mug of cocoa and a story about how 'spiffingly super' he is.

Let's test the power of mass thought everybody...and if we all concentrate really hard at the same time, maybe woodside will finally explode up his own rectal cavity...

*holds index fingers to temples on head*

*concentrates*

Thank Jeebus you found a bloody great bloke in DG, Tourettes. Somehow I feel Woodside will die alone, with fuck all but his smug sense of believing that he's funny to keep him warm at nights...(so maybe there is some justice)...

The Woodside comment probably doesn't get to you, Tourettes...you're better and stronger than that. Unfortunately, I'm not better or stronger than that, and it quite frankly fucks me off no end...Turning the pride I felt from reading your post into the kind of seething rage that makes me want to borrow Kaol's entire Knife collection and insert it with vigour right up Woodside's quivvering chutney cupboard.

Love to you & DG.
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 8:55, closed)
The other power of mass thought:
*holds index finger to left mouse button*

*moves mouse pointer over "ignore"*

*feels blood pressure falling as Woodside's cuntishly unfunny reply disappears*

But in all seriousness, Tourette's, good on you and DG. Nobody should have to endure what you went through, and the fact that you have survived, recovered and are soon to be happily married is nothing short of admirable. My best wishes to you both.
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 10:03, closed)
Thoroughly Agree
Woodside - you are a cnut! *hits ignore*
Pooflake? Where is the Ginger Fhurer? Want to talk to him about a certain fuckface scumbag asshole starting with WOODSIDE.

Tourettes, i've not been through a speck of what you have, and I know how badly that fucked me up. People like you, strong and tall and simply themselves, you give so much hope to the little and insignificant people such as myself.

I wish you all the best with DG, and I hope you get everything you deserve in life - hopefully all the bad crap that's been thrown your way is finally beginning to be balanced out by the good will being sent your way.
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 13:09, closed)
Despite my better judgement
I momentarily took Woodcunt Cuntycunt off ignore to check out what has riled people so.

He's back on ignore, but not before I reply "no, it's because he is at heart a decent person, unlike the rest of his so called 'family', most of whom are dead now anyway, thank Christ".

Unlike you, you cunt. Fuck off and go play in JamRagGeordie's shadow, you contemptable little shit.

And yes, I know that calling someone a cunt is frowned upon in the FAQ, but really...
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 16:28, closed)
*love & hugs right back to you Flakey*
And thank you so much for your kind words. You are a top notch bloke. As for woody, his/her comment doesn't bother me because I can't see it. I've had them on ignore for ages - they're not worth getting our bowels in an uproar, and certainly not worthy of soiling Kaol's good knives ;o)

xxx
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 18:36, closed)
That's, er...
...well, I don't really know what to say.

Hooray for strong people who turn out nice regardless of all the shit they've been through!
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 9:40, closed)
I wouldn't worry
I think we both have Cuntside Lackofindustries on ignore anyway. I know I do.

Because he's a deeply unfunny, uninteresting sad waste of a keyboard. Why hasn't he had his account banned yet, that's what I want to know? If Legless can have his account suspended because somebody once took exception to him, why hasn't it happened with this tit?
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 10:12, closed)
Legless had his account suspended?
How the hell did that happen?
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 10:27, closed)
Can't quite remember
He got it back again fairly quickly, but that's besides the point. There are a minority of people that spout nothing but offensive vitriolic shite and yet seem to get away with it.
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 10:56, closed)
Does make me wonder
whether someone went and told on him to the Ginger Fuhrer, rather than maturely clicking 'ignore.'

But we're above that, aren't we? Perhaps for "bugs and features" we should suggest they monitor how many people a user is being ignored by and send them threatening messages if they seem to be pissing everyone off.
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 10:59, closed)
Idiot trolls
True, but that's one of the downsides of the internets: the ability to be a cunt without someone being able to punch you in the face. Otherwise I'm sure the little shit above would have numerous nasal fractures about now.

That's a bloody awful tale to recount Tourettes - I can't really conceive of what it must have been like - but I'm glad DG helped pull you out from it.

(I also secretly hope you got back at the various bastards revenge-flick style, but am fully aware real life is different to the fillums.)
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 11:05, closed)
I Had My Account
suspended because someone complained that some of my stories were "disrespectful to women".

It was a few years back and it was reinstated pretty quickly.

Cheers
(, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 1:53, closed)
...christ...
Congratulations on coming through it all, and turning out to be a jolly spiffing lady with wondrous lady-norks. You and DG are wonderful.
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 11:46, closed)
Click!
For the happy ending. Inspiring stuff!

xxS
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 12:40, closed)
Holy shitting christ, girl
that got to me. If someone did that to one of my girls, I'd be doing time.

Massive, massive, hugs. Can't wait to dish them out in person next April ....
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 13:47, closed)
Well done on getting over everything....
...with you're head held high hun.
Sounds like you deserve every happiness in the world and I'm glad you've found it.
All the best xx
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 15:15, closed)
*wipes away tears*
*clicks*
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 15:58, closed)
@ Tourettes
Great big beardy man-hugs from Captain Placid.

Oh, and Woodside, if you're reading this, die soon you scumbag.
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 16:07, closed)
Sometimes
"I like this" doesn't really say it all. But this time, it comes close :)
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 16:12, closed)
I have to click......
...even though as many have said 'I like this' is almost a polar opposite of what we're really thinking.

There are no words good enough, especially from a complete stranger, so I'll just settle for 'Congrats for next April' - you can imagine the rest.

X
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 16:32, closed)
You have come so far from your pain
No one should ever be made to grow up the way you did.

Big hugs and congrats to you and DG!
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 17:50, closed)
Thank you all so much (apart from poor woody - I can't see him/her)
But to everyone else who has replied and sent messages, I cannot express how much you've all helped. I did touch on the subject with a councellor last year. However, writing it has been much more cathartic - even if no-one had read it. But the fact that you people have been so kind and supportive means so much.

xxx
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 18:09, closed)
This made me do a little cry.
Tourette's and DG - all the love and luck in the world to you both; I have the greatest respect for anyone as strong as you. Hugs and kittums xxx

Woodside: you, sir, are a cunt.
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 19:52, closed)
Tourettes
I've only met you once and you were one of the funniest people I've ever met! I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that.

Now that you've got Davros thing will get better and better.

You can expect a great big *AWESOME HUG* from me at the Edinbash!

Woodside if you are reading this, you are truely a cunt! I can only hope that one day your parents will do the decent thing and take you to a vet to have you put down!
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 22:52, closed)
What everyone else said really
except woodside

* click *
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 23:06, closed)
What everyone else (except some) said
Nice to see you are celebrating my birthday by getting married!
(, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 0:07, closed)
Jesus!
Is it really 6 years? Doesn't time fly.

But DG not shagging you for 4 weeks. If I didn't know better I'd call him a shirt-lifter....

I'll have a pint for you on your wedding day. I'm gutted that I can't make it.

Cheers
(, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 1:55, closed)
Having met you now twice in the flesh
and exchanged countless daft text messages at all hours of the day and night, often while drunk....I can say that this post made me feel sad and happy at the same time - sad that you had to go through all of that and happy that you've come out the other side.

And instead of being entirely fucked up and self-obsessed because of your experiences (and no one would have blamed you if you had ended up that way) you're kind and above all you care about other people - that's so often rare.

You deserve nothing but good times from now on.
x
(, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 10:47, closed)
You nearly made me cry at work
So pleased that you've come out the other side of all that crap although it's terrible that somebody that is clearly a great person had to go through it in the first place (avoids getting onto religion).

Wish you and DG all the best.
(, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 14:19, closed)
Clicking "I like this"...
...to say "I like the fact that you have the courage, strength and general all-out b3taness to come out smiling on the other side that is needed in order to post about this sort of thing."

Much kudos, happiness and a bright future to you's both.
(, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 17:25, closed)
You darling darling woman
well done for posting. Not for the first time I wish I was closer to give you some boob squishing hugs. I'm glad that overdose failed - the world would be a poorer place without you and the lovely Sweary Junior.

And DG.. if I ever meet anyone half as amazing as you, who treats me that well, I'll marry 'em on the spot. It's just fantastic to know there are patient, decent kind men out there.

Love you both millions
(, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 22:36, closed)
*clicks*
*hugs*

*hugs some more*

You two are some of those rare people who make me feel full of hope and faith in the ability of human beings to heal, and go on to have happy lives and inspire laughter and joy in others.
Onya :)
(, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 22:58, closed)
I'm welling up just reading these replies
and I didn't even post the story.

To all the people who have offered positive responses - thank you. There are some people (you know who you are) that have been brave enought to bare your demons in the past. You, in some way, have probably given my better half the strength to post this.

I've been confided in on some of the stuff related to here - but not all, and what I have discovered here chills me. But it makes me even more determined to do the best I can for us both. Which sometimes may be off the mark a bit, but hey - I'm a bloke.

We love you all. You are all full of win.

Except Woodside. You're still a cunt
(, Wed 26 Nov 2008, 0:03, closed)
b3ta's new tagline should be
b3ta gives me strength.
(, Wed 26 Nov 2008, 0:33, closed)
This ought to be put on Childline or similar
Just to prove to abused kids that no matter how shit a life they are having, there is still light at the end of the tunnel, don't do anything stupid, as there ARE some genuinely nice people in the world.

I must admit reading this got to me. You and DG both must be remarkable people to know all this, and still be living your lives and not being bitter. I would be serving time for inserting a carving knife into everyone who either did, or knew about, the deeds being done.

edit
It still goes on, this was just on the local news. The sick fucker.

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7749013.stm
(, Wed 26 Nov 2008, 7:57, closed)
Awww, I feelz for ya
I went through some pretty bad shit as a kid, along the same sort of lines.
The one person who was there for me was my nanna, and when I was feeling worthless and horrible (around the age of 12) she said something that will always stick with me, 'out of the worst smelling shit grow the finest roses' and went on to tell me that the best revenge I could get on all those who had contrived to fuck up my life as best they could to that point was to do well, not let the bitterness eat me up and go on to be a better person than they could dream of.

Over the years hearing that has given me the strength to continue dealing with the cunts that made my childhood hell, and I now have a decent job, and a 7 year old daughter that makes me glad to be alive every day.

Good luck you two, and don't let the bastards grind you down. :)

Happy endings FTW
(, Wed 26 Nov 2008, 9:12, closed)

« Go Back

Pages: Latest, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, ... 1