Zombie-Girl Emetophilia & the Zombie Cock
I consider myself to be something of a new romantic, so after I’d spent an hour or so chatting up this girl (Nikki or Rikki, or something along those lines – I wasn’t planning on writing her fucking biography) in Henry’s Bar in Leeds, I thought it only right and proper to stop off and buy her a nice meal on the way back to her place.

So, one kebab and chips later we’re back in her rundown flat up in Headingly, listening to Morrissey on her shitty little stero, while I attempted to remove her knickers as quickly as possible to get down to the sort of pointless, meaningless drunken intercourse I used to specialise in back in my younger days. I was anxious. Morrissey always makes me fucking anxious. So – no pretenses – I went straight for the kill and started rubbing at her meaty fur burger before she’d even had a chance to sit down.

Then she belched loudly in my face, the hot stream of kebab-and-chili-sauce-flavoured air made my eyes water. Nikki or Rikki apologised and rushed off to what I assumed was her kitchen. I heard the distinct plink plunk of an alkaseltzer in a glass of water. Fuck. Bang goes my chances. But no! She returned! Belching a bit, but she returned! Ahhh, Nikki or Rikki was a real fucking trooper! Thank fuck for Northern girls!

After a bit more background annoyance by the ponce with the daffodil droning on about a dead cat or some other such poptacular ditty, my partner for the night and I moved things over to the bedroom. Stripped, light off (at Nikki or Rikki’s request – personally I like to check where I’m putting my precious one; you know, the usual stuff – unsightly scabs, crawling insects, sores or puss-filled boils), anyway – naked and horny as two drunken fuckers can be, we move over to Nikki or Rikki’s unmade bed and get down to it.

She goes down on me, pulling the duvet over her head – it was bloody cold in her flat. And then she starts what can best be discribed as a purfuctory blow job. But then, suddenly, all that changes – Nikki or Rikki seems to be getting into her stride. The urgency is incredible. She starts to deep throat my proud little soldier and the warmth from her throat is amazing. I reach down and guide her head, oooOOoooohhhHHHHh this feels good! Nikki or Rikki scratches at my chest with her long nails, she makes weird gurgling noises as she slurps away, its hot! It's so damn HOT! What the FUCK is this girl DOING??? And then – far too fucking quickly for my liking – I spurt my load and my work here is done.

Panting, I immediately say: “My God! That’s the best head I’ve ever had in my life! Do you mind if I put the light on for a bit; you know, need a fag and a bit of a rest before I have a crack at your fanny?” I get up, stumble over to the light switch, turn it on. God, I came loads! I can feel it in my pubes and between my thighs, even down to my arse cheeks...

Then I look down, oh fucking ‘ell!!! I look across at Nikki or Rikki lying coyly in bed looking a weird colour green. She looked like an extra from some kind of zombie porn movie. Smeared across her face was a delightful mix of cum, spit and vom. I immediately glanced down at my cock – he too was smeared in this explosion of colourful fluids with added chunky bits. My very own zombie cock.

Nikki or Rikki, wiping the goo from her fringe, said drunkenly: “Sorry, couldn’t stop myself.”

I left shortly afterwards after I’d picked the largest chunks of half digested pita and kebab meat out of my pubes. Weird – still remains the best blowjob I’ve ever head in my life. Who’d have thought I really get off by having a girl vomit all over my cock?
( SpankyHanky, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 10:04, 9 replies)

The best one I've ever heard
A bloke liked to wear red patent stilettos - otherwise naked - walk up and down in a bath - and have oranges thrown at his bottom.
It wasn't me.
Think it was in that documentary 'Fetishes' by Nick Broomfield. Oh, trailer: www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3rOExR8DBk (which is the same one with the cheese-grater)
(1obster twunter.com/I'm bored of it too now, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 9:58, Reply)

This is going to make you vom into your own outstretched hands…

Kink, quirk, fetish, perversion – call it what you will. I have a weakness…a deep routed craving so despicable and foul that it cannot be mentioned in public without turning stomachs and subjecting myself to such ostracism and ridicule that the mere mention of it would make me an outcast from society, and no doubt put on some sort of register.

Are you ready? Brace yourself…

I like sex. I do. It’s nice. I was going to say ‘normal’ sex but after reading this QotW it is painfully apparent that I haven’t got a clunge-wobbling clue what ‘normal' is.

I just feel that if I am lucky enough to find a woman who will spend time with me – someone whom I respect, and find physically, intellectually and emotionally attractive, then that really gets my jizz juices jumping like nothing else. If that person is also prepared to share such a trusting and intimate act with me, then I consider that a right result. However, I definitely believe that this person should be loved, cherished, and treated like a Princess (I was going to say ‘Queen’ but then thought better of it – and when I say ‘treated like a Princess’ I don’t mean 'put in a Mercedes and driven into a wall at 100mph by a rat-arsed Frenchman')

Getting strung up by the man-berries and clubbed with an over-ripe haddock on the third Tuesday of every month does not get my mutton musket firing I’m afraid…but the mutually shared satisfaction of giving and receiving sexual pleasure from someone you care about and feel comfortable with?…that’s what busts my rocks off. Maybe even…(oh my god I can’t believe I’m admitting this)…a bit of…romance? Christ-on-a-skateboard I bet nobody’s admitted that yet.

It’s pretty ‘out there’ I know, but yes - I’ve bought women flowers – and not just on Valentines day or birthdays etc but…(chew the bile back, folks)…I’ve sometimes bought them flowers for no.fucking.reason. I’ve taken women out for meals and bought them presents. I don’t go batshit looney and spaff my entire salary on diamond bracelets every day or anything like that - and I’ve been fortunate enough to never have my generosity taken advantage of by a woman. I’ve also been able to quickly dispel doubts that my intentions are anything but honourable. Honourable! – For fuck’s sake what’s the matter with me?

I will try and cheer her up if she’s had a bad day. If she decides ‘not tonight’ then that’s perfectly fine…I’m not a fucking animal – my nads will not explode if they are not habitually emptied into the hair or questionable cavity of a willing participant every 4-and-a-half hours. I understand that women sometimes need their own space and time, but I also let them know I will be there for them if they need me. I don’t stalk, don’t abuse and don’t spend my 'me-time' rubbing my crotch up against their facebook page. However, I also seem to know how to pick 'em, and so have managed to not be taken for granted. I listen to what they have to say. I value their opinion and treat them as an equal, but still feel it is right to hold the door for them or help them unscrew jars etc. Am I beyond help?

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not some prudish, cardigan-buttoned-up-to-neck, songs-of-praise-loving wheelbarrow of wussiness. I’ve tried some things (mostly down to the request of the partner) that would make your eyelids do that ‘inside out’ thing – but it is my deep regret to admit that the vast majority of these acts left me feeling a bit…well…‘awkward’ – and they’ve never once made me produce a hot stream of splooge from my hog’s eye so girthy that it could be seen from the moon. I know a bit about biology and I think I know where my cock is best suited, and therefore have little or no desire to shove it in nostrils, armpits or the eye-socket of their pet Chihuahua.

I know, I know – I disgust you…and I’m sorry. You’d all be quite justified in throwing JMG or some other /talker at me like a justice-powered Honda Accord of mass destruction to debunk my attention-seeking lies and burn me at the sort of metaphorical stake usually only reserved for mega-cunts. I await the wrath I no doubt deserve. But I tell you what…you think this is easy? Try living my life for a day. ‘Coming out’ as a ‘gayer’? – pah! – Piece of piss, you guys don’t know what pressure is. It’s easier to admit that you’re a member of the cunting BN-bastard-P than to admit to your mates in the pub that you are a romantic and that you respect women.

Even now, I’m tempted to throw in a punchline like ‘Of course, they have to be under 4 years old’ or: ‘but I have to admit that their dismembered body parts taste yummy’ or some such shite but I can’t do it…sometimes you just have to stand up and admit your principles.

My name is Mr Twisty Cheeky…and I am not normal.

Please don’t think any less of me. I’m just a weak, slightly pitiful human being
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Fri 23 Oct 2009, 9:52, 26 replies)

Talking dirty in a foreign language
Well I like to think I'm pretty open minded, and would try anything. I've had sex outdoors, indoors, on a miniature railway, up a tree..but as fetishes are concerned I've not had a desire to wear a gimp mask and be pissed on while being locked in a cage or anything that I would class 'abnormal'..though I'm contradicting myself, and I guess the old phrase "Don't konck it till you've tried it applies".

I did however, have a fling with an Italian woman, and although she spoke fluent english (with a beautiful velvety accent) during the throws of sweet McLovin, I asked her to talk dirty to me in Italian.. and FUCK ME !! was that horny !!!!

Now technically, she could have been giving me instructions to dismantle a washing machine..But she stressed that everything she said was good. Either way, it sure did it for me!
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Fri 23 Oct 2009, 9:45, 4 replies)

When a woman wears sky blue cotton knickers
and they get darker as she gets moist.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 9:29, 4 replies)

As long as I'm wearing my robe and my wizard hat
I'm up for just anything
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 8:22, 7 replies)

Role play
I just dont get it. One of my exes was well into it and had a whole collection of wigs and costumes. On a pretty regular basis she'd dress up, force me to dress up and insist we role play before I was allowed to play with her mimsy. As her mimsy was rather nice I was forced to go along.... well for a bit.

Thing is I just cant take it seriously. She wanted to act out whole scenes where she was the lady of the house and I was the rough gardener, or she was the milk maiden and I was the lowly farm hand.
But I just
couldnt
do
it.

The whole thing made me feel like I was standing naked in front of my parents... it made Mr winkie shrivel up.

So, invariably the situation would play out like this...

GF would select the clothes she wanted me to wear and tell me what situation we were going to play. She'd disappear off to get changed and a few minutes later would come sauntering into the room seductively.
She'd come up to me, bat her eyelashes and come out with something like "why kind sir, I'm lost and cold. Could thou help me?" (usually in the worst west country hobbit accent ever).
"yes missy" I'd reply, and before the situation could play out any more, throw her onto the bed and try to get her clothes off as quickly as possible.
The worst thing was she'd stay in character for the whole damn phucking coming out with little coy phrases. It was really off putting...
As for me, once Mr winkie had made his way to lady town, no power on earth could make me carry on playing the stupid game.

I guess its no wonder after a year or so she claimed to have gone off sex.

That is till I found her doing it with the 50 year old next door neighbour dressed up to the nines as a goat herder.

Whats wrong with these people. Isnt taking it up the shitter enough without having to dress it all up?
(EvilMeister, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 8:20, 3 replies)

Rock Chicks
*drools*
Dark long hair, green eyes, not too much make up, you know the type. Not so much emo. For example Katelyn Rosaasen in the music video "want you bad" by the offspring or the lovely lass in "hysteria" by muse.

I once went out with one. They are crazy in the sack. Most of them like biting and semi rough-very rough rumpy pumpy. They are typically the most playful of lovers too, which is always a nice thing. It's nice to have a little fun under the covers. Not so much a fetish but if I had it my way I would keep 4-6 of them in my room and never leave.

*edit* also Caroline Polachek and Shirley Manson *growls*
I need to go lay down for a moment.
( hoodles is in your Afrikas Being Shotz at in CongOs, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 7:52, 5 replies)

socks
preferably, she should keep them on. I'm like the opposite of TS.
(injektilo smoking the weed that killed elvis, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 5:51, 3 replies)

Jesus this is a loaded question.
I have kids who read the QOTW, so I think I'd better sit this one out.

They already know more about me than they'd like.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 23 Oct 2009, 3:40, 1 reply)

I have the worst sexual imagination
Even though I find bizarre (or "varied", depending on your viewpoint) sexual activity fascinating, I'm quite vanilla myself; a standard romp utilising 2-3 positions is all I really need and, while the fiance and I dabble in a few other things now and then, for the most part there isn't a lot of variety in our sex life and that's fine with me.

This is probably because of Takae, an insane Japanese woman I met when I was 19. Picture it: I've just started university, broke as hell and only had sex once before (I was a late bloomer). She was 25, hot, and for some bizarre reason thought I was God's gift, despite my limited prospects. We were together for two months, during which time she rode me silly pretty much all the time.

In those few months we explored her fetishes, most of which involved tying her up (apparently it's quite popular among Japanese women). While I was keen to please, the whole tying up lark didn't do it for me, not least of all because she liked to try and "escape" which meant the whole thing devolved into a farce rather quickly. We tried role-playing too, but I just couldn't take it seriously (still can't). She did the whole "hot wax on my sensitive bits" routine, which didn't do much for me either way.

Basically, every night we tried something different, but, apart from doing the nasty in public, nothing really twigged my berries. At least I tried, I 'spose.
(ElGranto, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 3:35, Reply)

I am obviously weird
I like to only make love to a woman I am completely in love with and would do anything for - there have not been that many. I get off on the whole I want to spend the rest of my life with you thing. If I'd not have heard this then i would never have been laid. Women are liers however so I have been (somewhat regretably) several times.
( SiX and his hat, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 3:35, 2 replies)

Asian Girls.
East Asian girls. Chinese. Japanese. Korean. Was never into western girls at all, despite being brought up in a very white place (Australia in the seventies thought Italians were 'exotic').

Hotness!

Tattooed a little (but not tramp stamps / ass-antlers)? Hotter.

Body piercing? Bestill my pounding parts!

Better yet?

I married one. And she wants breast implants after we have a kid.

Nothing sweeter than living your fantasies and sleeping with your fetish for the rest of one's life.
(EffinNitWit asks his tobacco where his whisky is, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 3:16, 4 replies)

Deep throating
Not sure if this counts as a fetish but it gets me off. Having a hard, stiff cock in my muth and feeling it touch the back of my throat. Especially with Mr Melody because he makes these loud, animalistic groans. Mmmph. Also, tattoos, boys with long hair, big hands... And JIZZ I actually like the feeling of a hot load of jizz all over my face, tits or tummy. And watching men wank... Ooer... may have to go stick my hands down my knickers now I've been thinking about it.
(Melody was not PMSing on, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 2:25, 16 replies)

Nigella Lawson
Thats it really.
(DeactivateThisDisaster No., Fri 23 Oct 2009, 2:12, 5 replies)

2 girls one huge fraud
Marco Fiorito director of the infamous '2 girls 1 cup' viral movie has recently admitted that in reality the scenes merely contained chocolate mousse instead of faeces 'to appease the actors who were willing to appear in a scat film but not actually eat faecal matter'. In addition the 'vomit' was in fact Campbells vegetable soup.

Video outakes that show it was merely chocolate, and soup (completely SFW)...

2G1C_LEGAL00167

.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 1:52, 7 replies)

I used to be into...
...flagellation, necrophilia and bestiality but I gave it all up.

There's no point flogging a dead horse.
(minimalist ..., Fri 23 Oct 2009, 1:36, 2 replies)

I have to post this
www.bizarremag.com/weird-news/latest-news/7134/wall_love.html

I think that counts as some sort of really, really fucking unusual fetish right there.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 1:15, 3 replies)

Shoplift Porn
Indulge your sexiness, break the law, and wallow in your miserliness, all at the same time!
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 1:06, Reply)

Boring
I feel quite boring now having read some of these. I'm very into cunnilingus,especially in a 69 position but thats hardly groundbreaking is it? My biggest turnon is when Mrs FC is turned on. I love making her come and I'm becoming quite adept at simultaneous orgasms because of this. Is this a special talent?
(RainKing What do I put here then?, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 0:52, 1 reply)

Where the fuck is SpankyHanky?
Or has this question caused him to implode into a compressed mass of sexual deviancy?
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Fri 23 Oct 2009, 0:05, 6 replies)

Not just biting and nails
but the marks they leave, the indentations or grazes in the skin, which you know will blossom red afterwards as you lie breathless on the bed.

Love bites on the other hand seem a little juvenile.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 23:56, Reply)

I like posting sensible suggestions for qotw
On the QOTW suggestions board.

I suppose this means I'm turned on by rejection.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 23:40, Reply)

oh Jesus yes.

(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 23:07, 4 replies)

Me numba one pervert
One QOTW that I could answer many many times over so I will just start (and maybe finish) with this one.

Muslim women's clothes. Hijabs, niqabs, burqas... The heavier, darker and more concealing the better. No idea where it came from and don't care.

Had many many wonderful times with my girlfriend with whom I shared a quite excellent sub/dom relationship and this fitted alongside it just perfectly

Cheers
(wackywavinginflatablearmflailingtubeman Hi, I'm Al Harrington..., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 23:04, Reply)

Well I'll tell you one thing I don't have a fetish for;
homosexuals. You won't find me using the word 'gay'. Disgusting is what it is. They should be locked up. And not just one of those country club jails one reads about. I mean real punishment. I have a rack in my bedroom which would nicely contain some of those impudent sluts. We'd soon see how 'gay' they felt with me pounding their arseholes red-raw.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 23:01, 4 replies)

pussy spread wide so you can see everything.


That's hardcawwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 22:45, Reply)

Maths
Give me a guy talking to me about maths (or science, for that matter, as long as he's as qualified as me in it) any day. Get him to write stuff down while explaining and if he has nice hands I will be begging for it before he's halfway through the derivation. Put him in a suit and a nice pair of well fitting trousers that show off the bum well too.....mmmmm. And if he wears glasses that can be thrown off in a fit of passion, even better!

But it's definitely that maths that matters. I don't get quite so excited about anything else.

In fact, I think I just have a thing for geeks.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 22:42, 15 replies)

My Brother



reads this, so I'm saying nothing...
(robbersdog, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 22:41, 1 reply)