Student Halls
First post blah blah blah

So it was my first year and I was in student halls, living on a diet of mainly coco pops and pot noodles. Anyway I splashed out on a tub of luxury expensive chocolate ice cream and carefully stashed it away at the back of the freezer where, I hoped, it would be safe. 2 days later a more or less empty tub greets me (I believe tears came to my eyes). I was pissed and I knew who the culprit was as well, some stuck up bitch having her way paid for her by daddy while I fucking worked for that ice cream. So I shat in the tub! levelled it out and then once frozen scooped some out to make it look convincing. later while relaxing in my room I hear a massive retching, folllowed by copious amounts of vomit. Popped my head out and cheerfully reminded the cunt to make sure she cleaned up the mess. Ice cream from that day was safe as long as it was chocolate. a padlock and a mini fridge helped against petty revenge
(ladraven, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 21:48, 2 replies)

This one time
I invented new coke.

It didn't go down very well.

Gillian Taylforth did though.

(bored with these qotw's why can't we do a different type of written comp altogether? Q's have run their course. Since it's weekly we could do topical joke/sketch/satire of the week then publish a book at the end of the year. And give me the money.)
( BadBadman saw an incorrect comma placement on, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 21:34, 4 replies)

From the other point of view
I've always considered myself wat i would describe as a shitty buddhist; i beleive in most of the ideas and follow the peace and love stuff however do drink and do eat meat... with this in mind...
I once went raving in Brixton; amazing time with good mates, i left relatively sober and quiet and stopped off at a nearby well known fast food chain which was still open. I quietly ordered a burger and chips and watched as the charming fellow went around the various cooking equipment with a burger, carefully unwrapped it, gobbed in it five times, wrapped it back up and tried to serve it to me... i expressed to him politlely something along the lines of "What in fucks name do you think you are doing kind food monkey?" to which he responded(in an oscar worthy performance) as if he thought i'd been at the loopy juice. When i pointed out to him that i could see what he did in direct view he proceeded to call me a cunt and for his troubles got an amazing left hook square in the face... needless to say he was swiftly fired although i did have to do some explaining... oops!
(SteroidPigOhurugu, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 20:55, 1 reply)

A warning.
As a student I occasionally resided in the familial box located upon the Lincolnshire flats; back in the days before the Polish willingly took the jobs the locals grudgingly forsook welfare in favour of, and students greedily devoured during their regular, lengthy breaks from taking drugs and drinking studying.

Whilst there, one company who swapped a measly wage in return for hard labour was in the business of the food business, and they were generous enough to thrust some work toward this diminutive slap-head, sometimes known as Gunther.

Rousing my still inebriated brain from its pillowy comfort before the sun had done the same, I trudged angrily to the rendezvous and clambered into the nicotine stained minibus that impatiently spat clouds of used diesel into the crisp morning air.

My new friends and I were whisked away to the deepest, darkest plains of Lincolnshire and ejaculated at the door of a food processing monolith, where my hangover jerked back to life as the overwhelming stench taunted my nasal cavity.

We filed brainlessly past the hand steriliser and allowed ourselves to be clad in clean shiny overalls, before wandering into what felt like the bowels of an alien space ship.

Having suitably adjusted my head cover I eyed up the monsters at the controls, and realised immediately why the minibus had to make its collections before sunrise: the majority of these people would have melted should the sun so much have caressed their scaled skin.

The hirsute hand of teenwolf's gran clasped my reluctant fingers and lead me to one of the thundering machines, where she grunted first at a copious vat of coleslaw, then at the large plastic spoon with which I was to stir it.

This was to be my station for the following 10 hours, save a brief lunch gap and the few sneaky cigarette breaks that I was able to take, and I began observing one of the most horrific scenes that has ever been accepted by my eyes, regardless of how recalcitrant they were about doing so.

I’m reluctant to list the horrors I witnessed. Suffice to say I’ve not eaten pre-packed coleslaw or its mayonnaisey brethren ever since, and I feel it would be unfair to inflict the sickening details onto you, my dear b3tans.

This was indiscriminate, unprovoked and depraved sabotage at its most extreme and my one consolation was that I lasted only a single day, and did so without succumbing to the widely accepted abuse of cheap salad based produce that was merrily practised by my alien co-workers.

If you are to take only one thing from this lengthy stream of gibberish, it should be this: do not, by any means consider the consumption of this vile jism; it is unfit for human taste, containing as it does all manner of human waste.
( Moey, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 20:55, 3 replies)

I had to sack Cook
She gave me regular salt with my quails eggs.

Everyone knows that only celery salt will do!
( ascorbate, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 20:26, 1 reply)

Lettuce Shake
When Kite jr was 'ikkle, she had bad eczema,caused,we were told, by sugar.So her diet became virtually sugar free. Being a kid she still wanted to go to MaccaD's, which was fine once wed worked out what she could have. The drink she ended up with was milk, which she "enhanced" by adding lettuce (from my burger) to, then mixing it and drinking it. Yummy.
(oddly she hates Lettuce now)
(kitescreech still here, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 19:45, Reply)

That Hovis ad...
I'd quite like to stretch piano wire across the street attached to a claymore mine.

Cue Dvorak's Symphony #9...
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 19:32, 3 replies)

A couple of years ago
I was living abroad and working in a restaurant in between copious amounts of casual sex with drunken scrubbers on hen nights and a large amount of heavy drinking and recreational drug abuse.

This one week there was this Scottish couple that came in and I have never come across such a pair of obnoxious cunts. They seemed to think that the world owed them everything. They were rude to every member of staff and whinged constantly about their food and how long it took. Basically, utter, utter twats.

I spotted them in the resort the next day, they were obviously on holiday with their kids and a bunch of their friends.

Later in the week them and their friends returned to the restaurant and I just knew I was going to have to do something to cheer myself up after fixed grinning at them and fawning over their every whim.

So I waited until they were tucking into their starters and sneaked out of the restaurant and down the street and bit to where I had noticed they were staying.

One of the windows of the apartment was open, so I sneaked in, strangled their eldest daughter, took the corpse back to the kitchen and minced the little fucker into their tapas.

The whole incident kind of got out of hand once the press got involved. Still, I managed to get rid of the remains without anyone noticing.
(Bazongaloid, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 19:13, 6 replies)

Milk
Possible pea:

Many moons ago I turned up to work, a 6 bedded group home, to be greeted by a god awful stink coming from the kitchen. The cause? One of the patients had wanted boiled milk and he'd made it by pouring a pint in the kettle and switching on. By God it stank! And guess who spent ages scraping the gooey mess of the element? Can stillsmell it now, ugh.
(kitescreech still here, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 17:55, 1 reply)

I like to cut out the middle man....
....and just shit on people
(bobman500 enjoys a grope as much as the next fella, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 16:51, Reply)

I once...
...met a girl who said for religious reasons that pork was a forbidden.

This angered me somewhat, as I am a massive fan of pork. So to really drive the argument home I chloroformed her, took her to a farm, gagged her with a cumberland sausage (pork) and hypnotised a pig (pork) into rampantly having sex with her (pork)...

...that'll teach the pious bitch!

Can't we have a QOTW about helicopter crashes?

Yours
Stevie Ray Vaughan
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Sun 21 Sep 2008, 15:24, 1 reply)

iffy pint
a wee while back a mate and I got into a fairly heated prank war like most wars lost to history I fail to remember who started it (probly mee with some chilly sauce on his balls while he slept) well one night out at the pub I return from the bog and finish my drink. He asks "did you like that?"

I responded "yeah a lager always goes down well"

He then hits me with it "when you were in the bog I dipped my cock in it!"

I was utterly shocked how far he had taken this and I knew I couldn't live it down, so the next time he left the table (visited the jukebox) I not only dipped my wick but pised a little in it also... even scraped wee bit of cheese into it (settled in the head well)

The poor bastard was gagging (trying to make himself throw up) when I told him!!!

His ghoulish responce was "I'll get you back one day. Not telling you when but I fucking will!"

That was a couple of years ago now and I'm still too worried to leaving him alone with anything I intend to eat/drink!
(tammybear1985, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 12:40, 2 replies)

this guy
once looked at my pint all funny. I followed him home, killed his wife and children with an angle grinder, ground them up with some glass, and fed them back to him one teaspoonful at a time in his tea. He never noticed and I had a right laugh.

True story.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 10:47, 2 replies)

A bit lame, but...
As a kid, my Dad had been a miserable bugger this fated day, and then sent me off to make coffee for him and Mum.

We had a pot plant so I liberally laced Dad's coffee with some soil. Yum.

He drank the lot, and it cheered me up no end. I've never told him, and he doesn't read B3ta, so I should be safe.

Told you it was a bit lame.
( VandenPlas can't think of anything clever - no change there!, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 10:31, Reply)

Whinging Haggis
Not sure if i may have already posted this particular tale of Scottish woe here before but just in case.... here goes...

back about 15 years ago, my mother ran a hotel which catered for students going to the local college. at once point we had one particular student who was very vocal about EVERYTHING. Complaining about anything he could lay his eyes on and basicly being a pain in the ass to everyone in the place.

People were generally sick to the back teeth with him. Not just my mother and the staff but the other residents aswell.

Enter me, with a truly disgusting scheme which involved a Durex and a tin of Pedigree Chum.

My mother approached him asking him if he would like to hve a traditional Haggis for his dinner one night. His face lit up and he eagerly accepted the offer. BRILLIANT! Time for my plan to spring into action.

I took the condom and opened the tin of Dog food and proceeded to fill the Jonny with chum. after knotting the end I placed it into a pan of cold water and gradualy heated it untill it was hot throughout.

After allowing it to cool for a few minutes, we served it up to him. How my mother kept a straight face I have no idea, but the plate came back empty except for a few shreds of burst latex.

About 2 days later he was told what he had eaten. needless to say.. the complaining stopped. and he moved out couple of weeks after.

Every Dog has his Day. Unfortunately our dog had to make due with a steak for his tea that night.

Length TROJAN
(Phoenixx1973 Will be campaigning for the "Vote Saxon" party., Sun 21 Sep 2008, 10:06, 3 replies)

An autobiographical tale, or Pwned - whichever, I suffer.
I'd like to introduce you to my missus. I've spoken about her on here before. In my eyes she's legendary, having an arse that is fouler than Satan's breath and more productive than a whole series of Japanese automotive plants.

So I guess I should have known I would have been in for hell this morning whilst cooking up a spicy molé last night with chipotle, jalapenos, chili flakes and fresh chili, topped off with an astringent salsa and refried beans. And I wasn't attempting to sabotage her particularly - I just like to make a tasty stew and her guffery is just, normally, an unfortunate side effect.

Well, the hell started last night and I was treated to a series of under-duvet eruptions that smelt simultaneously fruity, but off - like a decomposing badger who'd dined on asafoetida and eggs.

Anyway, enough of all this extrapolation, to the meat of the story. I've just woken her up with a cup of tea and our little 'un aged 3 giving her a cheery good morning as well.

And me and the lad came back down the stairs - I've even put the bacon on - and I saw her rushing for the loo...

A slight smile playing on her lips.

She's been up there some time, still is, and she's called for a copy of her professional magazine to bide her time...

But I know her game...

She's brewed up a treat for me in there and there's no way I'm going up to find my throat being contracted and my nostril hairs singed.

So I sent up the little lad with the book, to act as a canary.

He hasn't come back down yet...

EDIT: Shit, typing this, I've just burnt the toast. What a berk.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 9:08, 7 replies)

Effervesant!
Alas, not my idea but my brother once spent an afternoon handing out Sterodent tablets from a Trebor extra strong mint packet.

Apparently, the effect is best if you bite down on them; and even better if you his rather dribbley mate, Geoff...

First post. Sorry for lack of goatse, etc. 3 year lurker, and I gather you're meant to apologise for being new in general...
(Toxoplasmosis Dulce et decorum est pro sodomy coleslaw, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 8:17, 2 replies)

Not sabotage...
I'm afraid this isn't a story of sabotage but more self inflicted...

I love making curry, not hot, but it's got to have flavour.. (you may see where this is going). I made a lovely flavoursome curry for me and my sister last night, it was cooking for 4 hours and damn it was good and not too hot but just the right amount of heat and tons of flavour...

Now, however, i'm parked on the can wishing i'd put some loo roll in the fridge. Happens every bloody time!
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 7:41, Reply)

Cheap VS Expensive Ice Cream

Sitting eating a tub of fancy cookie dough ice-cream with then girlfriend in front of the TV when the bastard housemate asks if we'll leave her some. We answer "Yeah, 'course", which goes in one ear and out the other as we take the ice-cream to bed with us. The ice-cream is eventually used up over the next little while and shortly after we remember we had promised to leave a little for said bastard housemate. As the coast was clear downstairs, a quick look in the freezer turned up some value branded ice-cream we could try passing off as the original. While replacing the empty tub about a quarter full we remember what a shit the housemate is, so decided to throw the four used condoms from the bedroom in along with the poor quality ice-cream, mix with a little milk and mash/stir for a minute to give a good even consistency, being sure to push any exposed condom near the bottom of the tub.

Leave in the freezer and back to bed.

Nipped back into the kitchen after a little while to find the other housemate (the nice one) a bit surprised to find some rubber in the ice-cream he didn't think we'd mind him finishing. Hilarity ensued. It took quite some time to calm him down afterwards, explaining that it wasn't intended for him, and the small detail that prevented him going over the edge being that it "they weren't used condoms, that's just disgusting."

The funny thing was he didn't realise it wasn't the expensive brand till he dug a rubber one out with his spoon. One would assume then that if you were to find a tub of Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough in someone else's fridge, you could eat it yourself, replace it with Tesco Value vanilla and some jizz and they'd be none the wiser.

.
(nathanielle_jones, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 7:18, 2 replies)

Okay, KIND of on subject
Also a military college tale:

One of the things we used to do when we were Freshmen was to 'mustard shoes' of Upperclassmen that were particularly twattish.

Basically, when you are at a military college, particularly the one I went to, SHOES are a VERY big deal. Shining shoes was a CONSTANT fixation. While reading for class? Polish your shoes. While listening to music and relaxing? Polish your shoes.

Every day at formation, your shoes were checked...Freshman much more thoroughly than the Upperclassmen, but you get the idea.

So, during lunch, we sat at these long 'Viking-esque' tables with a Senior at each end. The tables were wide enough that, if you were careful, you could low crawl underneat the table if you were EXTRA-careful to avoid nudging or bumping someone's feet along the way to avoid them becoming aware of your presence.

So, take one squeeze bottle of ketchup, one squeeze bottle of mustard and one jar of honey, slip beneath the table while noone is watching and low crawl your way to the end of the table...careful to avoid the feet of the classmates and upperclassmen on either side until you reach the Senior (who, for the record is 75% likely to be an absolute jackass!) and then, with great joy (and terror) liberally squirt the contents of the mustard, ketchup and honey ALL over his PERFECTLY shined shoes.

Then, this is the hard part: back up.

It works. It RUINS weeks and weeks of shining by eating away at the wax in the polish and literally, they have to start ALL over again.

After you've safely extracted yourself, as inconspicuously as possible make your way to the PA (Public Address, I think you call it a Tannoy) System and announce, for ALL the other cadets in the room "MR ROBINSON! CHECK YOUR SHOES!"

Then, run like hell for the doors.

Sure, there will be beatings, hazing, threats, being singled out by that Upperclassman, but frankly, it was WORTH it.

Citadel
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 6:30, 5 replies)

votes please
just a question BUT

little miss welgar is comming to stay with me for a few days in a little while (YAY) . Before i load her on the plane back to her mother do you think she may like a can of redbull to drink? She already likes powerade (her choice if your wondering).

Its just that she may be a touch hyperactive at the other end and her mother may have just a little trouble getting her off to bed that night. I would be soooooooooo upset if that was the case
(welgar, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 4:30, 10 replies)

hmmm
When i was a young pie man i Worked on a building site the purpose of which was to build a new sewage works for a small town. This job was beset by the usual problems but the staff were reasonably competent for the most part and these problems were kept to a minimum.....

Competent that is except the 17 year old chain man. This man was a local and as thick as only a council estate wallah can be. He delighted in playing fucking stupid practical jokes.

Apart from his usual pastimes of standing still and dribbling we found that he was into body building in a big way. Often he would flex his muscles at us after a particularly spectacular session of grunting at weights.

The trouble started when we caught him doing chin ups off a beam in a shed when he was supposed to be working. A bunch of us burst in and found him beaming like a pissed up tramp at a job well done. He had beaten his previous chin up record on the shed roof beam.
This is where yours truly started an epic feud by betting the cretin that he couldn't stand in a steel bucket and pick himself up with the handles. Now I know it is cruel to take the piss out of the mentally challenged but the sight of this bulging veined retard straining like fuck to pick himself up while stood in a bucket and taking the accompanying disbelieving laughter as encouragement has etched itself permanently into the comic archives of my brain. After around 15 minutes and several gasps of "I don't understand it i can do loads of chin ups" the light finally dawned and he understood that he had been had and so commenced a campaign of terror upon his tormentor.

This included but is not exclusive to, hiding my stuff trying to make me late and trying to get me into the shit with the site manager. At one point he threw my £10 special work trainers onto the roof of the portacabin and was astonished when to get my revenge i nailed his £80 Nike air max to the portacabin ceiling.This was worth it for the bemused expression on his gurning mug as he wandered around trying to find the chavvy articles

This ill feeling built up for some time and work on the site progressed. The management had taken the decision to put stuff from the drying beds from the existing shit works between the new concrete structures. This was basically dried shit complete with used tampons/condoms and whatever else is flushed down the toilets that isn't liquid*.

On this fateful day we had gone into our cabin for break as usual. I got out the book i normally read and the can of diet coke that i had brought with me and proceeded to try and transport my mind out of the usual shit hole of work.

I had sort of semi succeeded in doing this when the chain man surprised us all by presenting us with a cup of coffee made with his own fair hands. As soon as i saw this alarm bells started ringing. This dickhead never made coffee if he could help it especially not for me. As a result i studiously ignored the steaming cup of liquid while my co workers all slurped appreciatively.

The chain man was getting more and more agitated and i will never forget the look on his idiotic face when the site manager came into the cabin, saw the unattended cup and drained it in one go (as he usually did cos he was a bit of an arse too). His self satisfied smirk soon turned to a gagging retching noise as he reached the bottom of the mug. It seems that chain man, seeing his revenge at hand had filled the bottom of my mug with crap off the drying beds and topped it up with coffee.

Although the site manager wasn't made ill he failed to appreciate the subtlety of the joke and the chain man was soon on his way to doles ville. I have never doctored food or drink since cos the consequences don't bear thinking about.

* you got a lovely crop of tomatoes about two weeks after laying it down

Length? About a dirty inch from the bottom of a mug?
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 2:37, 4 replies)

Finding a pube in a Big Mac was no big deal
But when I took my second bite and found pubes number 2,3,4, and 5 I decided to just eat the fries and nuke a hot pocket when I got home.
(anotherlogan and the whit he shites, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 2:22, 1 reply)

a long time ago...
i used to work in a wetherspoons that had an arrangement with the local racecourse along the lines of -discount steaks for every paying punter- about 500+ brilliant fun was always had tenderising those shrinkwrapped beauties with the game of 'mixed grill baseball' - also a game known locally as 'throwing all the meat as hard as possible at anyone in the kitchen' and the ever popular - 'jump up and down on the bastard steak' also as it got so busy on those days we, the 'chefs' had to waiter as well - i used to love handing the plates to pissed up suits wearing the blood of at least three cows all over my 'whites' - even the manager got in on the action, ah what fun

sadly no one complained at all in the year i worked there.
(n0rt, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 1:51, Reply)

My first post...
hello, my first post, its only took me 2 years to confirm my email address or something but feel I have a story for this week at least so thought I'd finally join. oh a few have stopped reading already, fucking cunts.

Anyway it was a few years ago and it was a summer day when we used to get sun, and bbqs were the usual thing to do with the sun. Anyway it was a long day and the drink got to a few people and it resulted in me and my mate snaithy and graeme left at around 2 in the morning and everyone else fucking off. Graeme retired to sleeping in my bed. Ive got nothing the matter with him sleeping in my bed but he was an easy target and between me and snaithy anyone falling asleep at this point was a puff or something.

So instead of sabotaging any food, (that will come mind) we decided to sabotage graeme with food and also my room a bit. Some reason in my drunken state covering him in bbq sauce seemed like the ideal solution with a finishing topping of sunflower seeds to give him some texture. Im sure the thoughts of lepers was going through my mind at the point but I doubt I was that witty at that period in my life.

Anyway we woke him up, he was pissed off, I apologised like the oaf I am and he went in the shower, but least he was awake and didnt want to go to sleep again. Scene 2 whilst he was in the shower we didnt want the fun to end and with having the porch doors open all day we had a few visitors in the house and climbing the walls, yes, lots of big daddy long legs.

So I went about catching about double figures of the fuckers and stuffing them all in the bottle of cider that I knew Id be able to coax him into drinking when he came back down. And alas he came down to watch whatever tosh we had on tv, 'oh heres your drink graeme', 'oh thanks' the reply. Anyway he gulps some down and stops, we were pretty much pissing ourselves as expected, even more so with him pulling a leg out of his mouth. who goes on to say, 'who the fucks put pubes in my drink?!'

since so many people left and a friend called aaron had been there earlier who would be suspectible to such an act we blamed it on him and got away scot-free.
(Runcle, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 1:50, 2 replies)

Customers sometimes deserve it....
I work in a restaurant/café, and the clientele are usually lovely, but sometimes you get some knobbish old people who think they have rights over everyone younger than them.

you know, the ones that push in bus queues, saying it's their right to go first, or that they should be served first in shops because they were born first. twunts.

anyhoo, im not a thin guy, but i wouldnt say im hugely fat, just a muscularish build, with a mild student vodka gut. But apparently i'm still a target for geriatric abuse...

I went over to a table with some old woman on it, chatting to her friend about how the youth of today are all either on heroin, pregnant, infected with HIV, or a combination of all the above, and handed to her her strawberries and cream.

Instead of the usual "Thank you very much", or "Cheers" I instead heard the following comment:

"Goodness gracious me, look at all this cream...if we eat all this we'll be the same size as the waiter!"

Well, let's just say when she ordered her post-dessert coffee, there was probably more bodily fluid in it than water.

Bitch. Hope your false teeth fall out in the night and choke you. or your stoma bag bursts and you slip on your own shit.

/rant over :)
(the_biochem_ninja can resist everything except temptation, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 1:36, 2 replies)

Unoriginality
I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here for a moment.

I agree with the posts that say this QOTW is a bit on the unoriginal side, having been covered by several past ones - Revenge, Petty Sabotage, Terrible Food, etc...

...but what's left?

b3ta qotw has already covered a large amount of the really universal interesting/funny topics - the ones that everyone likely has a story on. And the questions are usually broad enough that they cover a multitude of sins - consider the number of reposts that are appropriate to way more than one question. For example, considering a few universal topics...

Bodily fluids - shit (twice!), vomit, blood. Piss seems to work its way in to answers in every thread.
Sex - loads of QoTWs. Losing your virginity, Not losing your virginity, Wanking disasters, First Love, Paid for sex. And more
Big events - Funerals, weddings, holidays, school sports days, teenage parties, christmas parties
People - Weird kids, teachers, police, jobsworths, nutters, relatives, parents etc.
Life in general - Films, music, jokes, secrets, confessions, pranks, ambitions, travelling and loads more.

I think we can all agree that there are still lots of good questions to be asked :) But would you also agree that a large fraction of the really good common-to-everyone questions have already been asked?

EDIT: Just to make it 100% clear - I am playing Devil's advocate for the sake of it here - I completely agree that this QoTW is unoriginal and there are a ton of better ones that could have been asked.
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 1:27, 9 replies)

My ex-wife made me miserable in lots of ways...
...as detailed on previous qotw posts, in fact.

So, just after we'd split up I needed to get all my files off of my old computer (which I'd generously left with her).

We arranged to do it on an evening she'd be late home. She left the back door open and told me she'd be back at about 9, so I got there straight from work, plugged my portable hard drive in and got everything I needed from the PC.

While it was copying across I didn't touch any of her food, jizz in her shampoo, piss in her kettle or anything.

What's wrong with me?
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 1:00, 3 replies)

Mine sweepers
You know the kind, you leave your pint untended while going for a piss or to chat up a lass, and some sod has made off with it.

There was a regular at one nightclub, who we all lost many a pint to. My mate nudges me one night to point him out and the pint he was carrying, saying "that's a pint of my piss"
(Wize, Sat 20 Sep 2008, 22:56, Reply)

I have no idea why I'm making this one public.
I fucking love queefs. I think they are absolutely brilliant and hilarious and the best things in the world. So imagine my joy when I started dating a girl who could queef on command!

So one day she's telling me about how she can do this, and actually demonstrates how she can draw air into her thingywotsit. Seriously, it looked like a gummy old man trying to whistle.

I then happen to notice an untouched glass full of coke on her bedside table with a straw in it.

...well, I'd be crazy not to suggest it wouldn't I?

And so it came to pass that I am lying collapsed on the floor, having the mother of all asthma attacks from laughing, almost literally, my guts out as this amazing young lady blows bubbles in the coke using her ladybits.

And after? She gave it to her sister, and apologised that she'd already sipped the straw. Her sister told her off for leaving it "slobbery".

Not sure how long this will stay up until I feel icky and delete it...
(GONEism, Sat 20 Sep 2008, 22:45, 6 replies)