"Smart man pisses when he can,
not when he needs to."
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:05, 2 replies)

Never...
go up against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
( TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:04, 2 replies)

Don't...
...take viagra then get arrested and spend a night in the cells.

It's also shit getting searched while you've got a hard-on.
(god_is_a_ghoti Carpe Deum., Thu 20 May 2010, 15:02, 4 replies)

Lesson from the supermarket:
always take a basket. Even if you think you only need a couple of things, you always need a basket.
( sanityclause is waiting until, Thu 20 May 2010, 15:01, 4 replies)

True for lots of things...
"don't shit where you eat" - aside from the obvious interpretation, this phrase has reminded me to keep work and personal relationships well separated and helped me avoid trouble in my naughty hacking days. And probably lots else besides.
( sanityclause is waiting until, Thu 20 May 2010, 14:59, Reply)

A classic
“Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom’s. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are greater than your own.” Nelson Algren, A Walk on the Wild Side (1956).
(Jack of Diamonds, Thu 20 May 2010, 14:57, Reply)

For all you off come dens
Eat all, sup all, pay nowt.
Hear all, see all, say nowt.
And if tha ever does owt for nowt, do it for thee sen.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 20 May 2010, 14:56, 2 replies)

Various quotations
Life is hard, but it's harder if you're stupid - The Friends of Eddie Coyle.

If not now, when? - Primo Levi

Take what you want and pay for it, says God - Trad. Spanish.

Always shoot them shitting or eating, it's bad for morale - my granddad.

All mushrooms are edible. Some mushrooms are only edible once. - Anon.
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Thu 20 May 2010, 14:55, 4 replies)

When in doubt I always turn to this.
During an art lesson when I was in year eight one of the kids, Martin, divulged me this

My mom said if you dont know the words to a song, just hum it!

HUM IT
( Gawain the oven safe flan tin willy bum fart poo, Thu 20 May 2010, 14:53, Reply)

Advice for fatties...
Always remember that one hole is bigger than the other....

That is all.
(Senora Veranos cannot and will not so ner..., Thu 20 May 2010, 14:49, Reply)

Take a hit of this
And look up...
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Thu 20 May 2010, 14:47, Reply)

On the subject of driving.
I had one lesson, and one bit of advice. It's the advice which has seen me through.

"Every body on the road is a bloody idiot."

I'm also acutely aware that this also applies to me at times.

Thanks Dad.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Thu 20 May 2010, 14:44, 2 replies)

Old Friend

I met a mate in a pub a few years back and he was a mess. He had two black eyes, stitches where his ear had been sewn back on, a broken nose and sundry bruises. This surprised me a bit as he was well known as a hard man who could look after himself.

"What the fuck happened to you?" I asked. His answer has stayed with me over the years and has kept me from making some dreadful mistakes.

"I was talking when I should have been listening......"


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 20 May 2010, 14:43, Reply)

When leaving the pub
Always go for a piss, even if you think you don't want to.

saves alfresco peeing
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 20 May 2010, 14:38, 2 replies)

Don't trust anyone
who bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
(MikeyNiv can coin snatch 32 pennies, Thu 20 May 2010, 14:37, 2 replies)

If the Doctor's examining your prostate
just make sure he doesn't have BOTH hands on your shoulders.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 20 May 2010, 14:32, Reply)

It's sort of like showing off, but it's still sensible
Alright, so it's unwise to live your life by one specific mantra. Even so, I still feel some sort of kinship with the following statement:

"I swear by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine"

If anything because understanding that statement certainly helped me to think about my motivations in life, and start to get through a fair few issues I have with my past.
(chuckle_h0und You furnish the pictures, I'll furnish the war, Thu 20 May 2010, 14:29, 2 replies)

A man from Dreamytime Escorts once told me; "Never, ever, bloody anything ever!"
I've lived my life by that rule.

He also said that you shouldn't play "let's see who can fall out of the window the best" when you're drunk. Especially not on the 18th floor.

Best Regards,
Nicholas Parsons
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 20 May 2010, 14:23, 3 replies)

Me grandad gave me advice once
When I was about either 11 or 12. We were sitting in his dining room with the rest of the family present.

Nutter - "You see Jeccy boy, I was looking at all the family photos last night and I suddenly realized that you are the last member of the family to carry our surname."
Me - "Am I?"
Nutter - "Yes...so I want you to get out there and get fucking."

Thanks for the advice you fucking old perv.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 20 May 2010, 14:16, 1 reply)

The motto upon which I live my entire life...
"He who expects nothing will not be disappointed."

Trust me.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 20 May 2010, 14:12, 6 replies)

Don't try and organise your own wedding
In fact, just fuck off to somewhere hot and get married on a beach. Make sure there is a baby elephant as part of your wedding procession too
(bigjonnydynamite, Thu 20 May 2010, 14:12, 1 reply)

Absolutely 100% the best advice I ever received:
It was a throwaway comment in a conversation with a guy named John during a protest march against the invasion of Iraq, Edinburgh edition. I was there for a day off school mostly, and when I asked him what he hoped the march would achieve, he told me something really obvious that I remember every time I'm feeling lethargic, and I really would like to have as part of my eulogy.

"If you don't try to make a difference, you never will."
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Thu 20 May 2010, 14:07, Reply)

Never Eat Shredded Wheat
Directional and dietary advice in one hit!
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 20 May 2010, 14:04, 1 reply)

Here's another
(which I'll get out the way now, before someone else does)

The cake is a lie.
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Thu 20 May 2010, 14:04, 4 replies)

Kebabs
Never trust meat you can shave, especially when it looks not dissimilar to a dead man's leg.
(berk, Thu 20 May 2010, 14:01, Reply)

Never trust white shampoo.

( Kung_Fu_Russ ran out of amusing signatures on, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:59, Reply)

good advice for you all
well, advice, anyway.

never hug soot
never iron a bomb
never knock a nail in with a duck
never immac your pubes
never try to make instant mash with chicken soup instead of hot water
remember, you are never too old to storm a bouncy castle
live for the day, scare a toddler
a clean house is a sign of a wasted life
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:56, 11 replies)

From my Grandad, on the dangers of electricity:
Volts jolt, but mills kill.



He's dead now.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:53, Reply)

Dont what ever you do
Get drunk and stick a loo brush too far up your arse. It might get lodged there for 3 years and you will end in being deaded. Look at the daily mail.

Or offer your french teacher M&S caramel bites - unless you really really like them.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:51, 3 replies)

"Always go out with a girl with small hands".

( mrlogic is copying your beard, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:50, Reply)