The speeding ticket incident
On that fateful day, 17 years old and oblivious to the frequency of which speeding cameras were being erected across the country's A roads, I was what can only be described as cruising into Lincoln via worksop in my new bright green diesel Vauxhall Corsa. Daydreaming about what the night ahead entailed for I was visiting my brother at University for the first time - my first taste of student life, preparing my body for a weekend of alcohol and drug abuse and with any luck, a sexual encounter with one of the east midlands finest female offerings.

"Cross the roundabout, second exit" droned the SatNav
the sport injection kicked in on the exit
"Go straight on" she repeated
A completely clear road invited the foot/accelerator combo
60,70,80......90mph
FLASH FLASH!

Audible only to myself, a string of swear words that seldom fell from my young mouth eminated loudly.

I pulled over and did what any broke, pissed off 17 year old does, I called Dad and confessed that I had been caught doing 93mph in a 60mph zone. Maybe enough to invite a serious fine and ban.

To my immense surprise my Dad was very calm about it, It was only later that I realised why - he had hatched a devious plan.

One thing you need to know about my dad, and this is by no means any kind of brag, is that he is well-known in my home town. Not well known in the famous, paparazzi and screaming girls sense but in the sense that the kind of people who you dont want to know, know him and more often than not, owe him a favour or two.

To this end, sitting on the side of the road, cacking my pants, wondering what im gonna do without a license for the rest of my life, My Dad called back.

"Dont Worry Son, Its taken care of"
" What do you mean Dad? Im gonna get points on my license, maybe even a ban"
" I said don't worry, Its taken care of"

I asked no further questions. Years later, having never recieved any of the points or the fine, I asked my Dad what happend that day. He pulled out the police file of the speeding incident. Under the named driver column was quite clearly a polish name. I dont know any polish people!

My Dad was so concerned that I would lose my license that he pulled in one of his favours from a guy I only know as 'Big Nige' who is, lets just say, VERY influential. Apparently the polish guy owed Big Nige some money. Instead of paying he got 6 points and a £100 fine on his license.

Ive still got a clean license but a very slight sense of guilt.
(Eggstrovert isnt patronising you...honest..., Mon 14 Sep 2009, 11:58, 21 replies)

Just think how much better the world would be without people like your dad.

(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Mon 14 Sep 2009, 15:02, closed)

Whoa!
That's a bit bloody rude! OK, so maybe he shouldn't have 'sorted it' in quite that way, but it's no reason to prefer him to be dead. I'm sure RussT has learnt his lesson.
( gareth_alien will be human again at, Mon 14 Sep 2009, 16:14, closed)

plus he's already contaminated the gene pool with his club-footed offspring

( likeajackhammer, Mon 14 Sep 2009, 17:08, closed)

Are you sure you weren't driving a HONDA ACCORD?

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 14 Sep 2009, 16:55, closed)

I have to ask this...
"I asked my Dad what happened that day. He pulled out the police file of the speeding incident."

did your dad have a copy of it under his chair?
( likeajackhammer, Mon 14 Sep 2009, 17:10, closed)

Written in red crayon.

( FoldsFive, Mon 14 Sep 2009, 17:11, closed)

Ha yeah.
Great.
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Mon 14 Sep 2009, 16:57, closed)

Haha, yeah, you had a sat nav years ago.
Excellent LOTWing, here.

BRIGHT GREEN DIESEL CORSA.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 14 Sep 2009, 17:02, closed)

I'll be honest... I haven't read this..
I only read the last line - and from that alone - I have garnered that you are a spacker... that's right.. the "th" word!
( likeajackhammer, Mon 14 Sep 2009, 17:02, closed)

also, your dad's a nonce*
* may not actually be a nonce
( likeajackhammer, Mon 14 Sep 2009, 17:04, closed)

Don't worry chaps
This won't win. I've got it 'sorted'.
( Theoban What of it, Mon 14 Sep 2009, 17:03, closed)

My Dad has fucked your Dad.

( Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Mon 14 Sep 2009, 17:04, closed)

My dad is best mates with your dad who is in turn Harold Bishop
they'll have to get together and make FATHERZORD to defeat Big Nige!

thrilling!
( likeajackhammer, Mon 14 Sep 2009, 17:05, closed)

Whoa
What's more amazing?

This story or the amount of /talk that just jumped on it!!?
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 14 Sep 2009, 17:06, closed)

P.s.
I hear your dad licks policemens balls for loose change...
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 14 Sep 2009, 17:10, closed)

What's the bets that your dad and Big Nige spend their weekends visiting the local gentlemens conveniences
Servicing skinheads for pocket lint and pennies
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Mon 14 Sep 2009, 17:10, closed)

s/Vauxhall Corsa/Honda Accord/

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Mon 14 Sep 2009, 18:05, closed)

What absolute, utter twaddle.

( Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Mon 14 Sep 2009, 18:08, closed)

I was going to write something similar
but replacing 'ddle' with 't'
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 7:48, closed)

Golly
Lots of people have tried the my-mate-from-abroad-was-driving escape from speeding tickets - though rather fewer now since the plod will then invariably reply "Show us his insurance, then, or we'll do you for permitting an uninsured driver". The essence of the story might, I suppose, be true: "I was flashed and my father got a polish friend of a friend to take the points" but the details are a little, how shall we say, unconvincing.

If, for example it was your bright green diesel Corsa (phwooar) how come you didn't get the s172 form on which the keeper must have named the Polish driver? And how come your father had the police file on the matter?
(ubergeekian, Mon 14 Sep 2009, 19:43, closed)

Why are you trying to make this story work......
it's all so horribly broken and autistic :(
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 14 Sep 2009, 19:51, closed)