"An airline ticket to romantic places"
(quote from "These Foolish Things", a song sung By Bryan Ferry).

Summer 2007, and a less experienced Mordred is making his first foray in Internet dating. Had I have known that nearly 2 years on it would cost me one failed marriage, my clean criminal record and probably the thick end of £30K, I might have just cut my knackers off, but anyway, this is how it started...

For years, I had been telling single mates to get on-line to find lurrve...or at least a shag - without having done so myself. So in some way this is kharmic justice. But anyway, having taken the plunge, I found myself talking to several ladies, via a fairly "posh" site known as Parship.

One lady was French. Woo-hoo, thought I, thinking the French are known as being filthy and so forth. "Je vieux t'encule" I could imagine myself saying to some poor mademoiselle. Pictures were exchanged. Increasingly sexual e-mails sent. But, thanks to holiday scheduling issues, I was going away on holiday and not coming back until the day she flew out for 3 weeks herself. So passions were high, but interaction impossible.

A week into her holiday, we got on the phone. She asked how I was, I said pissed off, and bored. At the time I had a work from home job that entailed, literally, 2 hours a week work (despite getting paid for 40). Which was nice...but boring.

"Why not fly out and zee me" she said in her charmingly accented English.

"Well, you're staying with a friend, aren't you ?" I said. "You can't ask her to put someone up you haven't met".

"Oh, zat's not a problem. We can get an otel room".

Within seconds, I was booking a flight to Nice. How many times in one's life, I thought, does a woman ask you to go to the south of France to fuck her ? This must be done.

24 hours later, I'm in Stansted airport fuming at the 2 hour delay to the flight. My god, was I ready for some action...but fate was conspiring against me.

I had been due to arrive at 10pm. I got to Nice just after midnight, to meet la belle Helene, only...what had happened...I'm sure you can guess...she was not as belle as the photos. Zut alors, she had not read the "why French women aren't fat" book. And I, internet virgin as I was, had not asked her how old the photos were she sent me or for a shot showing more than her face.

Crivens. Here I was, far from home, what was a man to do ?

Yes, of course I fucked her. Despite her having an arse hairier than most builders. What choice did I have ?

2 days later, we parted at the airport again.

"Helene, it's been fun, but...I can't see me falling in love with you" I said. I wasn't so much of a bastard that I wasn't going to come out with (some of) the truth before we parted.

I could tell she was expecting this.

She e-mailed me a week later to say she was going to a fertility clinic to try and have a child. As we had not used any "capot anglaise" as they call them, my God I missed a bullet there.

Men can't help acting on impulse...when the little head is in control of the big head.
( I_Was_Mordred, Fri 22 May 2009, 8:29, 6 replies)

Oh yes
I know this situation all too well... Last minute flight bookings whould always have a check "Are you thinking with then main brain?"
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Fri 22 May 2009, 8:55, closed)

Good work mate.

But I need detail on the crim record, failed marriage and squandered coin. Make up some shit abut impulse buying to fit it to the qotw if you have to. Every one else does.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 22 May 2009, 10:47, closed)

Oh deary me
"Careless talk costs wives".

The ex (not yet legally, you have to be married a year before you can divorce) knows that I post here.

Going into such detail before the divorce would be Really Fucking Stupid.

Once it's finalised, I might share. Until then, I'm keeping schtum.
( I_Was_Mordred, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:10, closed)

Yep, fair one. All the best with sorting it.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:16, closed)

Oh yes
I've experienced Little Head/Big Head syndrome too. Fortunately I've avoided any financial or other catastrophes, but I've come close!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:52, closed)

Decided in a drunken stupor
to buy airline tickets to the Philipines.

I remember saying to myself as I scanned my inbox the following day, wtf are KLM emailing me for?
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Fri 22 May 2009, 13:21, closed)