I have no idea where this is from....
...you horse-botherer.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 8 Oct 2007, 15:09, Reply)

comparison
As popular as cat-shit shampoo.
(Fothermucker, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 14:34, Reply)

Burkymurk
You mean a NAFY?

Nice At Fifty Yards....
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 14:25, Reply)

a girl walking towards you and your mate......
"she's nice...from a far..."
she gets closer
"but far from nice.."

lame i know, it's more of an acknowledgement
(burkymurk likes to jerk, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 14:22, Reply)

Rustgusset
Need I say more?
(HNGTHDJ, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 14:08, Reply)

Overheard, can't remember where
And now one of my favourites;

'You are wet as a can of piss'.
(Juan - King of Donkeys shut the fuck up on, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 14:04, Reply)

some little oik
shouted "black ginger jew" at some other similarly dressed, Adidas clad prat as i was sat in traffic the other day

needless to say, not only was a triple negative embaressing enough, the large black man in the front decided to get out of the car in front to express his displeasure fully
(AudioLag there ARE two zeros in n00b, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 14:03, Reply)

In reference to ugly women
Olympic spade catcher - A woman that catches spades with her face at an olympic level.

As ugly as Andrew Lloyd Webber licking piss off a thistle.

She was beaten with a baseball bat made from the ugly tree
(Syndex, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 13:57, Reply)

Thirsty...
I was led to believe by my step-mother's (now deceased) father that the phrase "I've got a mouth on me" is an Irish term expressing great thirst. He once recounted a tale of a very annoying woman in a bar trying to ponce a drink from him by uttering said phrase, to which he responded:

"I know. I can see it there hanging between your ears like a skipping rope."

Genius.
(JohnWatson66, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 13:53, Reply)

An old lad i work with is rather fond of insults.
Every morning he greets each of us with either "Morning arseholes!" or a cheery "Fuck off wankers!"
If he has a problem with someone, he'll say "I've shit better people than you!" or "I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire!"
He looks like Fred Dibnah as well, I love working with him.
( my gran, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 13:52, Reply)

Kids say the darnest things!
And that kid in particular was me!
My father had a friend who would come round every now and again. But his mrs never came for some reason. Anyway one day she did. And fuck me she was a heffer.
But being a niave 6 year old. When i set eyes on this monstrosity in the kitchen. I simply had to ask. "Muuuuuuum!?? Whys that woman so FAT?"

She never came again.
(Miggyman, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 13:50, Reply)

The Shy Ex Girlfriend.
Many many years ago I was walking through the bus station. And this guy suddenly shouted at my girlfriend. "I dont know how you can be out showing them legs love!" and she instantly responded "I dont know how you can be out showing that face!"

The guy was speechless. And so was I. Because this girl was so shy and timid. So no idea where that came from!

Bah.. u had to be there.
(Miggyman, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 13:46, Reply)

Go bollox!
A month or two ago my best mate and his father were arguing when he uttered what has now become the legendry phrase of “Go bollox”. I have no idea what it means and neither does he, but he is adamant that this little phrase of his will win an argument every time and beat his opposition into submission.
His wife and I now take great pleasure in using the phrase “Go bollox” straight back at him, which results in us bursting into giggling fits. I am also trying to get everyone I know to use the phrase simply because I am bored and it’d be funny to see loads of people using a phrase that makes no sense.

My personal favourite insults to use are “Cockmunch” and “Cuntyfuckbollox”.
( MonkeyOfCode is your favourite waste of time, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 13:45, Reply)

Outisde a pub in Ipswich
A group of chav women we'd never met before approached us and the leader of the pack (well.. she looked like a dog anyway) shouted at me completely unprompted "You! You're fat, ugly, gormless and a dickhead. why would a women like me want someone like you?"

I just replied without thinking "Because I have a huge cock. any questions?"

The look on her face was priceless - no response to that at all.

Also, a while back in Norwich I was walking down prince of wales road (which is a chavfest on a saturday night) and 3 women from a hen party in a limo started shouting random insults out of the window at the traffic lights.

"Aww... isn't it cute how dogs always hang their heads out of car windows!"

I'm just glad that light turned green before she figured out how to open the door - god she was rough and a bit on the large side
( Sack Sack - Norfolks laziest, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 13:41, Reply)

A Friend once called me a
SHIT EYED WARRIOR

Still makes me laugh
(fase69, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 13:39, Reply)

Wish I'd said it
My mate once said "Jumpin Jacks is like being interrupted at the crucial point of a wank, in pub form."

So true.
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 13:26, Reply)

Granny's finest
"She's got a face like a dog shitting bones", not really an insult more of a comment on someone's ugliness which my Granny used to say about her neighbour. Nice. Although my personal favourite is "She's got a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle."
(dogspoo, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 13:20, Reply)

mums and fat people
I was the kid who said to his mum, "you're pretty, except for your face."

and who saw a rather large women jogging up the road I wound down the window and yelled,"Hey Fatty." much to my parent's embarrassment.
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 13:18, Reply)

Why don't you make like a tree......and f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fuck off
(Said stuttering), shamelessly stolen from the, Brilliant, Boondock Saints
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 13:10, Reply)

Like your mother always said...
... you're not different, you're special.
(faragher dub, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 12:59, Reply)

At school, aged about 13
My mate and I were walking between buildings (we went to a split site school) and met some fat bloke coming the other way, who came right up to us and shouted in my face,

"PUNJAB!"

I was more bemused than insulted though.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 12:35, Reply)

2am outside a club in Middlesbrough
A drunken couple were arguing about who had dumped who. There was a large number of people watching the caberet:

"I'm sick of you I'm dumping you" she said:

"NO, YOU'RE DUMPED COS YOUR FANNY SMELLS".

Off she walked, head down, to much tittering from the crowd.
(Yellow Car is now red, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 12:34, Reply)

Damn Kids
Four of us were sleeping in a camper van on the beach near cleveland and these kids tear past in their souped-up fiat punto or some other equally shite car when we just hear:

"SCUTS!!"

to this day, i still have absolutely no idea what it means, but i'm still pissed about it...
(tea_leaf_dancer, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 12:31, Reply)

When I was younger...
...about 12-years-old to be exact, my sister and I were fighting over something, and I just came out with "you tight arsed swine!" and stormed off. Even my mother couldn't contain her laughter at my feeble attempt of an insult.
(Roll Fizzlebeef enjoys a good Cleveland Steamer, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 12:28, Reply)

Overheard in Tescos
Woman: "I never cheated on you Jamie, it was just a one night thing..."
Boyfriend: "Shut it you wank basket!"

I couldn't hear any more I was too busy laughing into my Mr Kipling's French Fancies...
( pixxelated mocks you with their monkey pants on, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 12:25, Reply)

My ex-girlfriend's new best mate
came up to me at a party recently and said:
"Why do you hate me?"
What a great way to start a conversation. I said: "I don't hate you."
"But you don't like me very much do you?"
"You know, that's much nearer the mark. No, I don't like you very much."

I wish I'd left it there, but I was wasted and got drawn into a stupid argument with her, with the ex listening, of course. It began to dawn on me that this whole thing was being stage-managed to make me look bad in my ex's eyes. Eventually I extricated myself by rolling my eyes at her in mid-sentence, and walking away as if she wasn't still talking. And that's about the best insult I can think of.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 11:56, Reply)

"Go fuck a horse with a shitty slut you FUCKING BUTT PLUG"
This one still gets brought up at family events from time to time.

Many moons ago whilst on our yearly holiday to the South of France my younger brother Scott would play football from dawn until dusk on the pitch next to our "block." Sitting there with my parents having a BBQ one evening when all we hear is "Go fuck a horse with a shitty slut you FUCKING BUTT PLUG." Turns out that my secret porno stash in the cabin we shared wasnt so secret after all. Needless to say it came out that Scott had not only found said stash but had also been studying "aaaaall the words to impress the older boys with." I was actually quite proud of him once the slipper marks on my arse died down!
(grazer is sick of looking at houses, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 11:56, Reply)

School Mid 80s
'You eat Chicken Bones, because you are so poor.'
I endured that one alot and then made the mistake of mentioning it to colleague who then gets a Internet Radio DJ to mention it.

'Joey Deacon!' - The classic.

'HUNERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR' Linked to the Joey insult, along with the perpetrator pressing his chin with the tips of his fingers or fist. you usely get this one if they beleive you are telling porkies.
Of course theres the Deluxe version.
'HHUN NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!'


'Your not a Twin, your the after birth!'
(middenface Toss my salad, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 11:54, Reply)

If it's song lyrics you're after
The rather awful, but incredibly popular Scottish country and western singer Sidney Devine, once wrote a song in which he wished ill luck on some adversary. The chorus, as I remember it from 25+ years ago, went like:

May the bird of paradise fly up your nose
May and elephant caress you with its toes
May your wife be plagued with runners in her hose
May the bird of paradise fly up your nose.

Sung in a generic C&W song stylee. I'm sure you know the thing.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 11:46, Reply)

Top Gear
While driving to see her family in Belgium, my girlfriend offered various comments on my m4d motoring sk1llZ. At one point she said she'd start calling me Hammond. I looked at her for a second, not quite sure what she'd said. "Hammond! Hammond! The guy from Top Gear!"

She's not a big fan of the show but she likes some of the funny bits, like the Bizarre vehicles, Clarkson pouring a concrete floor in a Merc S-class, and... Hammond crashing.

I was still looking at her when she then asked "Wasn't he the one who crashed the fast car and almost died?" I saw my moment. "No," I began...

When driving ever comes up in a conversation now she insists on telling everyone that I drive like the Stig.
(ReallyEvilCanine looks like an upside-down question mark with hair, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 11:44, Reply)