rotherham
if the world had piles, thats where theyd be.

(insert your own shit/rival town)
(brussellsprout Im a fucking genius. official., Tue 9 Oct 2007, 11:28, Reply)

oh, oh!
peadobiff.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 11:24, Reply)

This can be an answer to anything...
"....because you play with yourself at night, that's why!"

Anything you are asked can be answered by this one phrase. Tis truely an awesome sentence.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 11:22, Reply)

sweaty?
You're sweating like a rapist in court.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 10:52, Reply)

You offer a little help and get insulted instead
A lad I used to work with produced one of the best insults I'd ever heard. He was explaining to me how he couldn't pull anyone and how he found it difficult to talk to women. I responded with "It's easy, just talk to women in the way we are now and make them laugh and stuff" to which he responded "You make 'em laugh? What did you do last time? show 'em your cock?!"
What a complete cnut, I had no comeback to that one.
( MonkeyOfCode is your favourite waste of time, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 10:50, Reply)

I'm particularly fond of "fucklunch"...
...as profaned by Stifler in one of the American Pie films.

Unfortunately, I pretty much always only think of it after I've said already used something far less amusing, like "tosser".


(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 10:46, Reply)

Primary school "insult"...
"I bet you can't say the seventh letter of the alphabet twice"
"Yeah I can! G G"
"Haha, you can't even say HORSE properly"


(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 10:45, Reply)

Probably been done, but one of my favourites....
Looks like someone set her face on fire and put it out with a screwdriver
(knobshine, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 10:40, Reply)

about as welcome
as Fred West at a nursery
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 10:34, Reply)

You, Sir/Madam,
are about as welcome as a left-winger in the Labour Party.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 10:32, Reply)

two collegues of mine (1 male, 1 female)
were fooling around in the office having a bit of playfight. The girl was a bit on the larger side. The playfight got to the point where he was stood behind her with her arms held and she was slightly bent over a desk. She laughingly shouted to me 'quick quick call the police'. I chirpily shouted back 'what crime shall I say is being committed, rape or beastiality?'. Play fighting stopped instantly. Both returned to their desks. Ignore me forever after. Oh boy, my face hurt from the smile that day....
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 10:26, Reply)

I once did some charity work with underprivileged kids
they were between 8 and 14 years old. We were on the bus with them when two sisters started to argue with each other. Having grown in venom and volume the argument was brought to an abrupt halt when one of the sisters screamed 'Shut up, you smell of period'. That shut the other one right up. Smelly clotty bitch!

Also worked with an Italian girl who had got pushed about by a 'comfortable' women on the tube during rush hour. She told us she didn't know any insults so we told her that next time something like that happens she has to say 'You have a face like a clumsy beekeeper'. If you've ever had that yelled at you on a tube by an angry italian....Ithankyou.
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 10:10, Reply)

short end
"I'll beat you with the short end of my cock"
Much debate followed as to exactly where the short end was.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 9:59, Reply)

gay, but not in a happy way.

Last week, those two gay Scottish interior designers were filming in the house across the road from my flat. They were filming the shot of them mincing down the street, talking piss. I found it really funny to shout “ BUMMERS” loudly out my window, then duck and hide behind the curtain, as any real man would. I did it 8 times, every time ruining the shot. They laughed the 1st 2nd time, by the 8th time; the dark haired one shouted, “FUCK OFF”. Somewhat stunned, the only reply I could muster from the safety of my curtain based hiding place was a loud “GAY LORD”. That showed them. They gave up after that and went in side. Although, I did ring the doorbell and run away. I only hope my homophobic heckling makes the final cut. If ever you watch a show of theirs from Edinburgh, listen out for “bummers”. That’s me. My mum will be so proud.
(Jeeves, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 9:51, Reply)

As someone pulled out in front of me on a roundabout near Warminster only yesterday
I screamed "CUNTMUNCH" at them from my open window.
( M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 9:39, Reply)

to a cripple
My Boss has to wear an ankle support
Mongfoot
(The Hooded Bean is in my pants Can't resist a Fanny/Tranny Joke, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 9:26, Reply)

Triumph is the king
I'm sure we've all seen it hundreds of times, but Conan O Briens puppet dog is killer.

the best though were at the Star Wars premier where the guy in a Darth Vader outfit has a box on his chest. Triumph says, "which of these buttons is to call your parents to pick you up?"

Or at Idols,"Where did you learn such breath control? How do you sing and suck at the same time?"

Click "I like this" if you want to be pooped on by Triumph...
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 9:09, Reply)

To a friend when presented with a condom as joke present
That's a good present man, now you won't get it all over your hands
(StumpsForArms&NoEyebrows, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 9:08, Reply)

Only yesterday somebody called me a CUNT

( turb0t, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 8:04, Reply)

I wish I had been there
My mates were accosted by a group of drunk, brutish, popped-collared dickheads while on their way to the 7-eleven. They returned to the homestead with great descriptions of the fools' attempts to start a fight:
"You ever had your shit dislocated?"
"Don't fuck with me, bitch! I'm 5'8"!"
"I'll shit your shit!"


Naturally these were adopted into our personal lexicon. I've never had my shit dislocated, but I imagine it's not pleasant...
( AgentMuu hentai coordination, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 6:18, Reply)

Drunken insults
When I'm drunk (i.e most of the time - I am Scottish, after all) I trade friendly insults with friends and strangers alike. Any fellow Scots will recognize this as 'banter.'

I like to put on a posh English accent and say things like "You, sir, are a rider of cocks" or "You, madam, have a face like a slapped arse." It just makes it funnier, for some reason.

I also love a perfectly timed 'Yer maw!' (or 'Your mother' for any non-Scots) such as,

"What's that smell?"

"Yer maw! Tell her to shut her legs"

I also think that swearing only sounds right if it's in a Scottish accent. Geordies and the Irish also have brilliant swearing accents.

I would apologise for length, but your mother didn't complain about it last night ;)
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 5:20, Reply)

The morning after
We were sitting in a cafe, nursing hellish hangovers, when my mate Mark notices the waitress is of the foxy persuasion. He thinks through all possible avenues of seduction, and decides the best way to woo said foxy waitress would be the classic 'Leave your number on the table' routine.

So he asks for a pen and piece of paper. The waitress brings over a tiny order form. After she leaves, my mate Neil asks, "What are you gonna do, draw a scale picture of your cock?"

"Man, if I was gonna do that, I'd need at least 12 of these" Mark shoots back

Quick as a flash, Neil says "Why, would you make that many mistakes?"

Classic
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 5:01, Reply)

ray
a mate ray. whilst sitting round the BBQ at lunch on the job site, one of the other blokes is bemoaning the quality of the snags on offer.
"these are just shit and gristle wraped up in skin". rays dead pan response: "they're a lot like you, johnny"

also from ray after a mate lets an offensive fart go in the car. while the rest of us are gagging and roring abuse, ray says without hesiation or any sign that the atmosphere in that car is offensive, and with a tinge of sadness in the voice "well, thats the best part of you gone now brenan".

and finaly, his famous greeting, farewell and agrument stopper:
feel free to/ dont hesitate to/ you can: fuck right off.

all done with and aussy/irish accent. top work.
(lazy killer robot found that beer tastes better when your older, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 4:32, Reply)

Aussie Rules Crowds
As there are a few of us from the Southern Clime here, I am sure that some of these will have been proffered, unfortunately, I don't have enough time to read through 40 pages of drivel, so if this has been repeated, please forgive me...

For those of you lucky enough to have been at a live game of Australian Football (Aussie Rules to the uneducated), you will also have been witness to some of the funniest lines delivered whilst passing comments on the "controllers" of the game - the Umpires, here are just a few:

* Mate, they obviously threw the wrong bit away at birth!
* You suppurating Sore!
* I have shat smarter things than you!
* When the world needs an enema, we will know where to shove the pipe!
* Did you take a course to become such a Wanker, or was it just a natural talent?

... just to prove the "Men in white" aren't the only ones to cop it, whilst watching Dale Lewis of the Sydney Swans stuff around near the boundary line entirely missing the footy, some smartarse loudly rang out with the following:

* Lewis, your hands are for more than wanking!

You are now returned to the more popular variations of Fucksocks!

Click I like this if you are from the Great Southern Land so that a few of our Northern Neighbours may share in our vernacular!
(AusMark, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 4:23, Reply)

ooooh!
the worst i've heard about is
"what-the-fuck-ever, you CUNTING FUCK!"

Gasps all around

I probably should mention it was by a stand-in teacher who was listening to another teacher read "the cat in the hat" to her class.

I bet those kids went home with some interesting statements to tell their parents..
(brotagaia, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 4:16, Reply)

After reading all 39 pages...
And seeing post after post of the same obvious and trite insults, I realise I shouldn't be surprised.

I never did expect much from a group of retarded shaved apes.

And that goes for all you "thundercunts" who have a "face like a bucket of smashed crabs".
Fuckers.
(is0lati0n, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 2:06, Reply)

one i blurted out unexpectedly
You fucking shitnipple, so yeah i guess shitnipple has to be a new one. ;)
(FATSHARK smokey flange, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 0:48, Reply)

Kebab Shop Trouble
I once happended to be freqeuenting a kebab establishment in Tolworth to purchase the mandatory super-large doner, no salad, extra chilli after a typical night on the turps.

Whilst I procured the meat pillow, my girlfriend at the time waited outside in the car. As Mehmet prepared the culinary delights, I stood at the counter, periodically waving to the missus outside.

Anyway, after several minutes a hideous, acne faced greaser got up from his seat next to the window and told me to "stop fucking flirting with his bird"...??...I glanced over and saw the aforementioned harridan sitting with her back to the window. She was about nineteen years old, with a face like a wheelbarrow full of hardcore, and the physique of a hod carrier. I explained that I was waving to my own "bird" who was in the car.

A couple more minutes pass, and I see my girlfriend pointing to her watch in the car. Naturally, I wave back (sort of) trying to indicate I would only be a couple more minutes. My hand gesture immediately incenses the vile young spastics sitting by the window, and the bloke steams over:

"That's fucking it !! Do you want to fuck my bird or not"

...snigger...

"Well I would, but I haven't got any change, and I don't want to break a fiver"

Suffice to say, things went down hill from here, resulting in a minor scuffle outside. Luckily, the hod carrier did not steam in to defend her boyfriend (or it could have been tricky) and I did not drop any of my kebab, which usually happens anyway, even under conventional circumstances.
(Mandrill, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 0:40, Reply)

backhanded compliments
dancing with a fella once, he said "you don't sweat much for a fat bird, do you?"

he really couldn't understand why i slapped him...
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 0:39, Reply)