A mate arrived long after class had started..
as he passed the teacher he said "Sorry I'm here Sir".
Teacher replied, "that's alright Michael go and sit...GET OUT BOY"
How we laughed etc.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 23:01, Reply)

Late for school
A friend of mine was late for school one day. His excuse? "Sorry sir, my cat exploded." He escaped punishment, as I recall.
(Fuiru Sting, where is thy death?, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 22:43, Reply)

Where the flip am I?
I used to drive about 30 miles to work, no problem, just set off, same route every day, favourite tape in the player and arrive, usually a few minutes late.

At least some of the journey was doen on autopilot. I had obviously driven along, presumably not bouncing into the other cars, but I honestly had no recollection of large chunks of the journey. No big deal, it happens.

But, every now and then, I was obviously so lost in my own little world, I had continued in autopilot mode, but apparently missed a turning, I had then, presumably, taken a few more turnings and finally popped out of my own little world, completely and utterly lost.

In reallity I was never more than 1/2 a mile from my usual route, but when you are lost on a rat-run in the back of Birmingham ... well, you could be anywhere.

Still, I can think of at least 3 occasions I arrived and said, "sorry, got lost on the way here" :)

Still I'm the boss now and I turn up whenever I like .. err, usually about an hour before the rest of em :(
(flipper is going to die in a bizarre gardenning accident, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 21:10, Reply)

for singles mostly
i had spent the night with a time-to-time sexfriend who was working as a mailwoman. so she had to go to work about 3 hours before me. she used to let the door unlocked, i just had to slam it when i left.
you've probably guessed the following... one day she did lock it. i woke up at nine, couldn't reach the girl, had to phone my boss and explain that i was expecting the girl to be home by 12... i used to work in web stuff, and i agreed my boss, "yes, it's too bad the girl has no web access", but she had bread, butter, coffee and cable tv (after a good bath only).

i used this - lying this time - in an other job. the good part is that when it happens, you're supposed to understand it at the time you leave the place. Add the time you spent trying to reach the girl/guy who leaves there, fsearching for keys... you can call your boss pretty late. just to explain that you've done all you can, but he really is not about to see your face. you've just gained at least 4 hours more !

the best is if your boss knows/thinks you haven't had a girl for a while, because you'll have the very efficient "poor guy finally having sex" card to play. don't forget it caus' your call might get him a bit angry !
( i don't understand everything saute en l'air pour te réchauffer, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 20:57, Reply)

Breaks at Work
When having my break at work, I was (and indeed usually still am) constantly late back, taking 20-25 minutes instead of my prescribed 15. When questioned by my supervisor one time, I replied that I was not late back from my break, but that I left for it early. While I and the other people around understood what I was getting at, my supervisor didn't.

Yes, that was a crap story and I make no apologies for it.
(richietheg my dad buries dead people. he's an undertaker., Sat 30 Jun 2007, 20:38, Reply)

flake
you have a point..

but if he's religous in anyway way shape or form then god would be his boss ... and you can't lie to god...

jesus lied to god.. look where that got him

so apeloverage ..

was it a spelling mistake (honestly) , was it intentional (honestly) , and are you religous ?
(My name was taken by me Is Sleeping With Your Sister/ Daughter/ Mother On, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 20:06, Reply)

I swear this is true.
One day on my way to school on the good old 147 bus, we were halfway along the southern stretch of the road my school's on when a drunk walked into the road in front of the bus.

The bus driver beeped at him, as you would, and the drunk took offence and started swearing at the bus driver.

The bus driver just honked his horn (ho ho) more and more, exacerbating things, so the drunk went up to the front of the bus and latched onto one of the big fuckoff windscreen-wipers it's got. He pulled on it for fifteen minutes before a police siren sounded in the distance and he legged it.

I got to school, my tutor said, why were you late? I replied, well, a drunk tried to steal the windscreen wipers of the bus I was on.

He gave me detention.

He also once gave me detention for saying I was late because "it was raining so I went back to sleep" which, in retrospect, was fair enough.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 19:45, Reply)

Passing The Buck
My boss is renowned for being a tad "elusive" in the workplace.

If he ever catches me to ask why I'm late (which 85% of the time I am) my answer is always simply :

"I've been here ages, doing blah** but where the hell were YOU?!"

Never fails to shut him up. Guilty conscience
perhaps?

** Insert fabricated and entirely infallible excuse
(Peek_a_Boo forgot how fun B3ta was until, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 19:12, Reply)

Sorry I'm late for work...

There was a black out on my street and we had to wait inside until the police shot the bastard

Used as an actual excuse for being late for work one day, thankfully manager was also into casual racist humour and let me off for being ballsy enough to crack a joke even though i was in the shit for being late!
( Mister B is eating an icanhazcheezburger with lmaonaise, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 18:52, Reply)

sorry im late...
i ate the fucking dog coz it ate my homework
(theonetheycallalex YAY!, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 17:59, Reply)

Not an excuse per se
But last Monday, the 18th of June, I was a bit late to work. It was pretty bog standard, I'd overslept by 20 minutes and now I was going to be 7 minutes late, or thereabouts. Now my commute is about 25 miles, I work in the very centre of Bristol, so I commute by motorbike - a Yamaha Thundercat to be precise.

I was about 3 minutes from my work place and I realised I was going to be a bit late. I hate being late, I just don't like walking in and knowing I don't have a decent reason to be, I'm just lazy. I got a bit angry with myself as I thought this and I was at this moment filtering up to a pedestrian crossing. In a bit of a hurry and a bit angry to boot, I pulled away fairly fast from the lights when they turned green.

Mistake. Mr BMW was clearly also late and didn't indicate to turn across me. I hit his left headlight at an estimated 40mph, though my speedo is broken. According to a witness I did 3 midair flips, the last thing I saw of my bike was a massive cloud of steam as the radiator exploded, and then I settled in to my injury - compound fracture of the elbow in 22 places. Totally shattered.

So while I'm lying there and people start to come and look after me, a nice guy from a van I filtered past asks if he can call anyone. Most of my words are expletives at this point, as my elbow is shattered and dislocated, but I'm so full of adrenalin I stop moaning and say 'phone my boss, 0117 etc, tell him why I'm not there.' Then I burst out laughing. I had a good excuse for being late.

That's the relevant part over with-the unrelevant bit is the paramedics arrived, shot me up with morphine (useless), cut all my clothes off, relocated my arm on the road (most painful experience of my life), then I spent 7 hours in surgery, 12 pins, 9 plates. 5 days later I'm discharged. Still got to wear a cast for another 2 weeks.

If you've ever experienced the horror of Itchy Cast, click 'I like this'.
( Rookie You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 17:04, Reply)

I do indeed
work for myself.

The hours are terrible, but who else here gets free handjobs from their boss?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 16:50, Reply)

My favourite was:
"I'm sorry I'm late. My dog OD'd."

Two wholly unrelated statements, but 100% truth.
(MrChimp previously Monsieur, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 16:42, Reply)

I was late to a music lesson once...
I told my teacher I was being contrapunctual.
(MrChimp previously Monsieur, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 16:37, Reply)

My name was taken by me
It's entirely possible that apeloverage is his (or her) own boss.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 16:35, Reply)

Boat
I hate being late, Im not as obsessive about it as I was (Mrs. Kite has a more laid back approach to time keeping). But one morning I was driving to work when I was held up by a large river cruiser type boat on the dual carriageway. It was being transported to Worcester at very slow speed and was very wide so overtaking was hard. Good excuse.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 16:32, Reply)

dog
Sorry I was late, I was too busy eating the dog's homework.
(tompot Ian Beale can't catch oranges, the tit., Sat 30 Jun 2007, 16:29, Reply)

I was once late for work
because my hamster escaped. i didnt want it roaming around my house all day - shitting, pissing and eating wires so i spent an hour pulling all furniture out. i eventually found it behind my freezer. When i got to work and explained why i was late - i was told that i should think of a better excuse.....!!!

bloody great!!
( Rev. Jesse. broke his ankle, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 16:27, Reply)

well
:O apeloverage with a spelling mistake :O (grammactical error would be more correct)

surely it would be:

I always deliberately go into a workplace next to the one I work.

Then when THEY ask me why I'm late, I can say "I don't even work here IDIOT!"

ohh yeah ^_^ i'm good :P
(My name was taken by me Is Sleeping With Your Sister/ Daughter/ Mother On, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 16:26, Reply)

when I'm late
I always deliberately go into a workplace next to the one where I work.

Then when they ask me why I'm late, I can say "I don't even work here IDIOT!"
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 15:21, Reply)

I used to catch the train to work..
I used to catch the train to work. And despite all the problems with trains at the time (post hatfield disaster) my particular train was always on time. Infact it was an excellent service.

At times though I would arrive into work about half an hour late, with the excuse of "I was delayed on the train" and they´d be like "yup no problem we understand". But read it carefully. I was delayed, not the train! :) Yes I was on the later train lol. They never caught on and i did it a lot!
(Miggyman, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 14:37, Reply)

Why.. why would any boss...
host a BBQ type party on a sunday night. Working for quite a cool company, boss only a couple of years older than myself made a few quid for himself; he hosts a BBQ for staff and friends.. probably only 20 people in total.

Once the annoying kids have been sent to bed things get messy... not one to sound like an alcholic I was given the job as drinks co ordinator... huge mistake!!!

the five of us left are necking whatever I can find, and the kitchen was well stocked...

anyway
crash in the living room of the house with the wannabe gay sales agent for germany... I wake up at 6am grab a can of beer and get a cab home...

my excuse in the morning...

well that didnt happen I couldnt be arsed to get out of bed
I wandered into work on the tuesday.. the boss shouting at me... to which I simply replied... have I been paid this month???

I didnt do any work for the rest of the week in protest lol
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 14:24, Reply)

Lost
I got lost is always the best one for me.
i've just left my school and
that one always worked.

even though i'd been there 5 years.
(i eat crayons, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 13:51, Reply)

I had something in my eye.
always works, rarely gets questioned. I don't mention that the something was my contact lens.
(agentp, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 13:34, Reply)

my favourite excuse
used to travel by motorbike to work. arrived late, was questioned as to why.

Cited the following "I ran over a puppy on the way in or at least I thought I did. When I went back to check it turned out to be a small sliced loaf of bread"

Simple but great

Other enjoyable excuse when working in Switzerland..

"Sneep, you're late"

"No I'm not, you're just overly punctual. I think that's a Swiss thing"

I'm very proud of also having a unit of time named after me on account of always being late. The Sneep Minute.

In Context :-

Person: "When will you be in?"

Me: "I'll be there in a minute"

Person: "Is that a normal minute or a Sneep Minute?"

Aim low, underachieve.
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 12:29, Reply)

A possible reason for my redundancy.
Turning up daily either hideously hungover, dressed in combats and T-shirt (in a strict suited enviroment) and always with a nice big cup of coffee from high street coffee chain that needs no publicity I'd never actually offer a reason and just tell the truth about drinking till 5am, the queue in the coffee house was unusually long today or just fancying a lie in.

In a weird way I think they admired my honesty although I think the shrugging and walking off while they were talking to me might have pushed it a bit. Luckily they didn't sack me as a company takeover happened and my entire department was made redundant with a nice cash filled goodbye.

I blame repeatedly watching Office Space for my lack of respect of managers in the workplace.
(Anarchy Duck, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 12:24, Reply)

The bus was late
Way back when The Benga was in high school I had what I can only describe as Victorian Dad as my form tutor. David Smith, Smithy to the best of us.

So, 3 years go by and EVERY day The Benga is late, sometimes by 3 minutes sometimes by 20 minutes but always late. Every day as I walk in I proffer the ubiquitous "Sorry Mr Smith, the bus was late". This seemed to calm the demon and so life passed happily...

However, one day upon entering the form room and providing my usual Smithy replies with

"The Benga! Come 'ere, I need a word with you"

The Benga approaches...

"I've 'eard you bin tellin' me porkie pies me lad..."

"Mr Smith?" (feigning ignorance)

"A little dickie bird tells me you don't catch the bus of a morn"

"That's right Mr Smith, I walk in"

"So what you bin doing telling me for the last 3 years that you've been late on the bus?"

"Oh no Mr Smith, I only ever told you the bus was late, I never said I was ON it"

(Cue science lab stool flying towards The Benga at high speed and winning HUGE kudos with the boys and girls)

Not sorry for length - they usually scream. And I like it.
(TheBenga Niggerrape, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 11:09, Reply)

well,
but i do have a series of them

"my bicycle wouldn't start"

"i was caught up in the mysterious yet amazing land of strawberry conserve and toasted bread, fighting the evil love marmite"

"a big ass fuck off snowball came down from outer space and impaled me on a rolled-up carpet,so i died, and then i had to go to the undereworld and pray for my soul back, thankfully i got it back and now i'm here."

or the best, which is my dads, which came about out of boredom of regular excuses,

"sheerbarefacebikiniwax!"
(Jowellzzz His power is maximum., Sat 30 Jun 2007, 10:15, Reply)

Otherwise I would have made it.
I was coming from visiting my girlfriend but my car was broken so I had to hitchhike. I got picked up by two AWOL soldiers and this hot girl. Actually it was her car and she picked them up. But they were almost out of gas. We parked on a side road. The less good-looking soldier and I walked into town to syphon some gas while the handsome soldier and the hot car-owner got it on in the car. But we weren't any good at syphoning gas and came back with nothing. In our absence, the cops had come by at an inopportune moment, but they didn't ID the soldier. Who was AWOL. But they were all cranky and upset, and out of gas anyway, so I left them. While I was walking back to the highway, I was accosted by an angry drunk, who had wanted a newspaper so badly he had punched his hand through the glass of a newspaper box. He bled all over my sweater, so when I got to the city I had to stop by my house to change my clothes, and that's why I was late.
( coronaboomboom, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 9:04, Reply)