Try one of the the hockey alternatives we use
it's kind of like penalties, but rolling. Attacking player one-on-one with the keeper, starting from about 30 yards out. 10 seconds to score.

/serious answer is tedious
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:32, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

yeah
because footballers can cope with hockey tactics
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:34, Reply)

hockey is for pricks

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:37, Reply)

totally. and shitcunts.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:38, Reply)

And they all have stupid nicknames.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:47, Reply)

the absolute stupidest.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:49, Reply)

one might even be tempted to call them 'pricknames'

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:50, Reply)

well one might, yes.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:50, Reply)

so what do you do for fun?
apart from humping your cowboy-hatted oiseau a l'orange
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:39, Reply)

i hide shards of glass in astroturf

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:49, Reply)

that'll only fuck up footballers, Q
Hockey astro doesn't have blades, there's nowhere to hide anything.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:50, Reply)

i'll put itching powder in your socks

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:55, Reply)

one of our clients was just telling me that he slid across the dancefloor at a wedding
and got 3 inches of glass embedded in his shin.

i have been retching ever since.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:52, Reply)

I did that years ago in a dual-slalom downhill race
landed on a discarded beer bottle. Nearly took my fucking kneecap off.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:53, Reply)

christ badger
are there any bits of you that you haven't fucked?!?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:54, Reply)

his bumhole
he can't reach :(
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:56, Reply)

probably not, no.
right arm, right leg and genitals are mostly intact so far. Fingers crossed.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:56, Reply)

and, as Q points out, my bumhole is probably OK.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:57, Reply)

well if you buy quentin a pint, you never know your luck...
.... or a half, apparently
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:58, Reply)

you deleted this and then reposted it
prick
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:58, Reply)

it was better as a reply to badger
but he hadn't made his comment when i first -

hang on. i don't need to explain myself to YOU, pigeon-fister.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:00, Reply)

i saw a dove this morning
i wore it like a glove
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:00, Reply)

i'd smash it for a half of peroni

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:58, Reply)

bargain.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:59, Reply)

you kidding me? that shits £3 for a half, yo

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:01, Reply)

half an inch, he means

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:01, Reply)

its all i've got

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:11, Reply)

Oh no
I lied about that right arm. Hit a slalom gate in Italy a few years and hyperextended my shoulder and elbow. I forgot they are drilled a metre into the snow.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:59, Reply)

dear god
you're a one-man A&E.

that just leaves right leg, bumhole and cock then. what kind of an injury could fuck all of them..... maybe steer clear of pogoing?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:01, Reply)

Or one-legged daisy chaining.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:09, Reply)

Serves him right for acting like a five year old, then.

(berk, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:30, Reply)

true.
Perhaps they should just each choose their top two "swordsmen", have them, in full kit, spitroast some vacuous fame-hungry scrubber in a seedy hotel, video it, sling it on youtube and see which one gets the most hits.

Long-winded but I feel effective.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:38, Reply)

This
Anyone old enough to remember Superstars?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 25 May 2012, 11:35, Reply)

Kevin Keegan's bike wipeout
is quite possibly the funniest thing EVER.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:41, Reply)

Exacurley

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 25 May 2012, 11:57, Reply)

second funniest
behind the clip of Anthea Turner being set on fire
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:20, Reply)

Or the Percy Thrower
'whoever did this must be mentally ill' Blue Peter garden vandalism monologue.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:30, Reply)

Throw a dog into the mix as well and we've got a winner.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:38, Reply)