Sepp Blatter has asked the Germans to look into alternatives to the penalty shootout to decide drawn matches in football.
What do you think they might come up with?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:03, 101 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

The Final Solution.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:04, Reply)

A dance off

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:05, Reply)

Reduce the number of players over a period of time, it'll still be shit I imagine

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:05, Reply)

Rap battle?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:07, Reply)

Rock, paper, scissors?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:08, Reply)

World war?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:09, Reply)

Ha, beat me to it.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 25 May 2012, 11:12, Reply)

Whichever team the player with the best hair is on, should win.
Only because Fulham would win every time thanks to Bryan Ruiz.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:09, Reply)

Bring back Carlos Valderrama!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:11, Reply)

I can still vividly remember him crying when England knocked Columbia out in France 98.
God knows why. But Bryan, oh Bryan, I want your sleek barnet of perfection; tinyurl.com/cwp54v9
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:14, Reply)

Yeah, Countdown just isn't the same these days.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:14, Reply)

Now that is my sort of joke.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:16, Reply)

Two from the top and 4 from your bottom please

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:32, Reply)

Charades?

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:10, Reply)

Falling out of a guard's tower?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:11, Reply)

Football is gay and tedious?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:12, Reply)

They should make them play on but remove a rule every 10 minutes. First handballs are allowed, then there's no offside rule, then there's no such thing as a dangerous tackle.

in fact, fuck it, this is just how football should be played. 90 minutes but every 10 they stick a pin in the rule book and whatever rule it hits no longer applies.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:12, Reply)

No, this is how football should be played:
One second into the game, the grounds should be sealed and Zyklon B pumped into them, killing all the players and fans.

Rinse and repeat.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:14, Reply)

Well they are asking the Germans to come up with ideas, so you may get your wish.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:15, Reply)

Spoken like a true Willie Woofter.
Football is ace, and you just don't like it because you were never cool enough to get picked.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 25 May 2012, 11:16, Reply)

It's because I'm not common.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:18, Reply)

I beg to differ
You frightful oik.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 25 May 2012, 11:19, Reply)

Corner count.
It might encourage more attacking play and result in fewer draws.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:15, Reply)

Seeing as most footballers are retarded
I think asking them to count how many corners there are on the pitch might be seen as 'disabled abuse'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:16, Reply)

diabled abuse? nice touch mongo.
(ThunderCuntThePendejo officially less shit than NakedApe, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:18, Reply)

Won't the answer always be 'four'?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:17, Reply)

In your own time

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:17, Reply)

hahaha

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:32, Reply)

FOOTBALL IS FUCKING SHIT.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:17, Reply)

You have to calm down, you're going to do yourself an injury.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:23, Reply)

I am a temple of calm, contemplation and peace.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:25, Reply)

They should go to 'points', like in boxing
based on complicated algorithm taking into account possession, shots on target, number of fouls etc.

Or flip a coin.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 25 May 2012, 11:18, Reply)

Penalties are fine, any alternative will be shit.
(ThunderCuntThePendejo officially less shit than NakedApe, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:21, Reply)

Kick each on them in the shins in turn, last person standing is the winner.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:27, Reply)

Shin kicking was an old english village pastime.
People would end up having bits of their leg bones missing and stuff.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:29, Reply)

I just looked it up
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shin-kicking
They used to build up tolerance by hitting their legs with hammers :S
(PsychoChomp, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:39, Reply)

Muay Thai boxers do that too.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:43, Reply)

Kung fu types also do this to arms and legs
You cause tiny fractures which then heal, making the bones much tougher or something.

Then they eat a tiger's cock if they're impotent, or something.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:53, Reply)

first one to invade poland

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:29, Reply)

Let free a couple of excitable dogs on to the pitch.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:29, Reply)

Oh man, do you remember that day back in school when a dog got into the playground!? Oh, how funny was that!

(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:29, Reply)

I WAS OFF SICK THAT DAY :(

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:30, Reply)

you were running around in a snoopy costume

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:36, Reply)

He just wanted to encourage the strays to mount him.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:37, Reply)

hence the marmite smeared around his hairy poo chute
nice
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:39, Reply)

NOM

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:42, Reply)

We've all got our own particular methods.
I find this to be the most effective.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:47, Reply)

i never had a dog on my playground
well, apart from that Poppy Williams LOL
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:30, Reply)

Even men with steel hearts love to see a dog on the pitch

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:30, Reply)

Why don't they keep the penalty shootout,
and just get rid of the tedious 90 minutes of kicking the ball around the field that precedes it?
You could get the whole World Cup over and done with in one day.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:29, Reply)

Try one of the the hockey alternatives we use
it's kind of like penalties, but rolling. Attacking player one-on-one with the keeper, starting from about 30 yards out. 10 seconds to score.

/serious answer is tedious
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:32, Reply)

yeah
because footballers can cope with hockey tactics
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:34, Reply)

hockey is for pricks

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:37, Reply)

totally. and shitcunts.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:38, Reply)

And they all have stupid nicknames.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:47, Reply)

the absolute stupidest.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:49, Reply)

one might even be tempted to call them 'pricknames'

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:50, Reply)

well one might, yes.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:50, Reply)

so what do you do for fun?
apart from humping your cowboy-hatted oiseau a l'orange
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:39, Reply)

i hide shards of glass in astroturf

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:49, Reply)

that'll only fuck up footballers, Q
Hockey astro doesn't have blades, there's nowhere to hide anything.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:50, Reply)

i'll put itching powder in your socks

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:55, Reply)

one of our clients was just telling me that he slid across the dancefloor at a wedding
and got 3 inches of glass embedded in his shin.

i have been retching ever since.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:52, Reply)

I did that years ago in a dual-slalom downhill race
landed on a discarded beer bottle. Nearly took my fucking kneecap off.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:53, Reply)

christ badger
are there any bits of you that you haven't fucked?!?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:54, Reply)

his bumhole
he can't reach :(
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:56, Reply)

probably not, no.
right arm, right leg and genitals are mostly intact so far. Fingers crossed.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:56, Reply)

and, as Q points out, my bumhole is probably OK.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:57, Reply)

well if you buy quentin a pint, you never know your luck...
.... or a half, apparently
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:58, Reply)

you deleted this and then reposted it
prick
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:58, Reply)

it was better as a reply to badger
but he hadn't made his comment when i first -

hang on. i don't need to explain myself to YOU, pigeon-fister.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:00, Reply)

i saw a dove this morning
i wore it like a glove
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:00, Reply)

i'd smash it for a half of peroni

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:58, Reply)

bargain.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:59, Reply)

you kidding me? that shits £3 for a half, yo

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:01, Reply)

half an inch, he means

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:01, Reply)

its all i've got

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:11, Reply)

Oh no
I lied about that right arm. Hit a slalom gate in Italy a few years and hyperextended my shoulder and elbow. I forgot they are drilled a metre into the snow.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:59, Reply)

dear god
you're a one-man A&E.

that just leaves right leg, bumhole and cock then. what kind of an injury could fuck all of them..... maybe steer clear of pogoing?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:01, Reply)

Or one-legged daisy chaining.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:09, Reply)

Serves him right for acting like a five year old, then.

(berk, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:30, Reply)

true.
Perhaps they should just each choose their top two "swordsmen", have them, in full kit, spitroast some vacuous fame-hungry scrubber in a seedy hotel, video it, sling it on youtube and see which one gets the most hits.

Long-winded but I feel effective.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:38, Reply)

This
Anyone old enough to remember Superstars?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 25 May 2012, 11:35, Reply)

Kevin Keegan's bike wipeout
is quite possibly the funniest thing EVER.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:41, Reply)

Exacurley

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 25 May 2012, 11:57, Reply)

second funniest
behind the clip of Anthea Turner being set on fire
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:20, Reply)

Or the Percy Thrower
'whoever did this must be mentally ill' Blue Peter garden vandalism monologue.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:30, Reply)

Throw a dog into the mix as well and we've got a winner.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:38, Reply)

Whoever is the most handsome

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:01, Reply)

I think they should come up with some means of opting out.
Like a board ignore. You choose to opt out and it doesn't appear on your telly, the news doesn't mention it and all those people that have trouble talking about anything other than the most pointless activity on the planet spontaneously combust.

That'd be just peachy, as I can't see any reason why the universe shouldn't revolve around me.
( Kroney, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:03, Reply)

There's a woman in the park lying down with her knees up
She has a camel toe you could park a bike in
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:07, Reply)

Tell my mum I said hi

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:09, Reply)

Moose Hoof

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:11, Reply)

Enduring image, isn't it? Mmmmm?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:12, Reply)

Jumpers for goalposts

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:17, Reply)

cameltoes for goalposts?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:19, Reply)

apparently malc phoned tricky to describe an attractive woman he saw at the train station on his way to work this morning
i asked if he tricky was touching himself, and then malc phoned me to describe tracey

i touched myself
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:14, Reply)

well, I picked a good time to pop back in.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 25 May 2012, 12:14, Reply)

to the park?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:17, Reply)

Screw you, beardy!

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 25 May 2012, 12:18, Reply)

hahaha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:22, Reply)