Sprained wrists anyone??
I HATE drag along bags...you know the ones?? So....in tube stations and in fact wherever I can manage it I will kick the said bag as it gets dragged along behind the unwitting owner - this flips the bag, hurts the wrist of the owner and you usually get an apology.....

F*cking drag along bags - burn them all I say!
(essbeenz there done that, Thu 5 May 2005, 12:45, Reply)

Mobile logos
You know on your older mobile phones where the network provider is always displayed in the centre of the display as a bold centrepiece to remind you which network you're on? Well back in the day, websites used to let you make your own design and change the text involved for free!

When the SMS was sent, the recipient would receive no indication as to who it was from but simply the message "Somekinda logo received: Save, display or discard" or something similar. If you chose to save, the design would overwrite whatever network message was there with the new one and the only way to change it would be through the same method or with one of those cables to connect it to your computer.

One day I went through a spree of sending these messages to every number I had with fitting designs for each recipient. Most people thought it was something bogus so discarded it instantly but it was a laugh at the time.

Two years later, and I'm having a drink with an uber-conservative girl who went to the same school and uni as me in a token "you're from my hometown so we're friends/associates by default" and put her mobile on the table as she sat down. I instantly saw the classic "Confused?" next to a picture of two feminine symbols intertwined.

I cracked up and couldn't stop, but the girl was furious that she'd finally found the bastard that had sparked rumours of her sexuality.

That'll teach her too... um...
( ma0sm, Thu 5 May 2005, 12:39, Reply)

Can't really take the credit for this one....
....but the best way to hurt people who love money, such as these greedy liars is to take it off them. This group, for whom money is God, is now getting all kinds of inquiries from the VAT people, Office of Fair Trading etc. Can't take credit really (a mate did it), but it really is poetic justice!!! ;)
(Wrecked Tums, Thu 5 May 2005, 12:39, Reply)

petty but funny (at the time)
one guy at work, real obnoxious tw@t - you know the type, no-one liked him. To make up for this, any oppertunity to grass you up, find you extra work etc he would take. Pride of place at his house was his fish pond, with a variety of expensive koi in it. Cue one trip to local river with rods and bait - came back with 2 pike wrapped in wet towels which somehow ended up in his pond, shortly after all his fish started disappearing until there were only 2 left.........
(Aleister Crowleys Badger Nothing to see here, Thu 5 May 2005, 12:33, Reply)

Shaving Cream stories.
Look here for the myth exposed......

Cockeyed

The glove box would work.......probably.
( Evil Bastardo, Thu 5 May 2005, 12:26, Reply)

A couple of years ago
I was on university placement, and had a new Brummie housemate who I'd not met before. I needed a way to break the ice, so the next natural step seemed to be to order him a free online porn catalogue (I was addicted to finding free samples on the web at the time).

Following weekend, I go away on my travels, and said housemate's mother calls by with the rest of his furniture that couldn't be delivered in the first batch. Queue him opening his "discrete packaging" right in front of his mother full of delights that seemed to tend towards the BDSM end of the market.

It ended up being a fun two years that involved me stealing his car and parking it in various places from time to time to keep him on his toes.

I also like hiding in people's cupboards just before they come home so when they get to their rooms in a house they think is empty, I can jump out and cause actual bladder related incidents, but that's another question of the week.

There was no need for this sabotage, but I just get bored otherwise.
( ma0sm, Thu 5 May 2005, 12:23, Reply)

sacked
I worked for a job agency and they sacked me one morning when my lift didnt turn up.
so please call 02476345888 at various times at the night for me
(funkie, Thu 5 May 2005, 12:11, Reply)

Dr Smurnoff...
was at a gig last november and was ahning around with a mate of mine. I've known him for ages and always thought he was rather fit...and this was gonna be the chance to ask him out.

well he was semi-plastered by the time i got to the bar and steadily got more drunk. Antics included trying to grope me infront of his dad, introducing his curent gf as 'this is the last girl i had sex with' (poor bint) and then sucked the face off a minger.

me, now-gf and his kid sister managed to lock him in a room, where he fell over. when we let him out he managed to knock a whole pint over me (new jeans are my pride and joy). By now me and the bar maid (who he always says looks like freddie mercury)were mightily fucked off so poured what was left of a WKD and some smurnoff into his pint when his back was turned.

And he still couldn't work out why his beer was green...
(La_Rousse, Thu 5 May 2005, 12:09, Reply)

I went.
to the same university as my Brother, so one day I stole some headed paper from his school office and wrote him a letter telling him he was being excluded for plagerism.
Sadly, he realised quite quickly that it was me who had pranked him and persueded one of my mentors to let him exchange one of my essays for 10 pages of "pansy cock" written without spaces.
I almost cried.
(smartcat, Thu 5 May 2005, 12:04, Reply)

I used to work for a charitable organisation
the one where Blunket gets his dogs from.
At the time I was a little bitter about a few things and, as we had a common/staff lounge, I decided it might be fun to take in a batch of oestragen micky and minnie mouse fairy cakes for my co-workers.
I managed to get hold of two months worth of the contraseptive pill to crush up and add to one of those Disney cake mix thingys.
I made two batches, the mickey ones (they had a rice paper picture) had the crushed up pills in them while the minnie ones were un hormoned, I figured that if I didn't eat any of the cakes people might suspect. I left all the little cakes on a plate in the staff lounge early one morning then went up to feed the doggies, by lunch time the cakes were all gone.
A few weeks later there was a bout of worried girls buying pregnancy tests and crying alot. Aswell as one of the more efeminate lads taking time off work to visit his GP about the bizzare, breastlike, growth of his pecks.
(clusp, Thu 5 May 2005, 12:04, Reply)

Tampon tampering
A friend of mine used to cut the strings off his mum's tampons.
Being a bloke I don't know the ins and outs (so to speak) of tampon use, but I presume she'd have had to be pretty stupid to not notice, and still use them.
He found it immensely funny nonetheless.
(moik, Thu 5 May 2005, 11:51, Reply)

I once sabotaged a number of "hilarious" made-up posts
by pointing out that the "freezing a can of foam and opening it and leaving it in a car" story is an urban myth. You big flowery blouses full of mendacity.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 5 May 2005, 11:48, Reply)

Another one....
In first year university in Liverpool I lived next door to a cunt. Basically, he was a politics student who played music and smoked weed from the hours of 6pm to 6am, meaning I got no sleep, no fun, and was groggy all the time.

In week 4 everybody got issued with rape alarms. Being a 16 stone at the time, and generally quite imposing (read 'ugly'), I felt that I didn't need one.

The alarms worked by pulling a string, then emits a piercing alarm, that would wake John Paul II. These alarms last for days on end.

As we were in catered halls at the time, my next door neighbour (being a fat fuckface) used to go twice. He used to leave his door unlocked too.

Cue the rape alarm hidden in his weed stash. Being the lazy fucker, he got one of the porters to 'search his room for the noise'.

Porters found the weed. Bye bye shitty fuckface of a politics student.
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Thu 5 May 2005, 11:42, Reply)

This one wasn't me but a friend
who was very angry how her housemate had broken the handle off her mug and tried to fix it with what appeared to be pritt stick and put it in her cupboard.

She took revenge by removing the labels from all of his food tins so it was 'dinner surprise' for him for the next couple of weeks
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 5 May 2005, 11:30, Reply)

exploding blender
I worked in a bar in a hotel in Blackpool, and we had cold shelves all along the back that used to need defrosting once a week, or we couldn't prise the Special Brew off of them, so it was our practise to flick the mains off to the bar area once a week at teh end of a shift, like 3am, so the shelves would defrost. This would turn off all electrical equipment in the bar. I did this one shift end, and then went and turned the blender on (no power, remember) and STUFFED it with plastic cocktail decorations and shredded paper.

Next morning, at around 10:10, as I was still zedding due to being on late shift I was awoken by my best mate on the phone, who was on early shift.

'BASTARD!!!!' was all he said, then hung up.

Weeks later, we were still finding little bits of plastic giraffe in the most improbable places in that bar.
(RichardInSydney would like to know why teh date & time is, Thu 5 May 2005, 11:28, Reply)

milk bottles
as a teenager, I grew up in a tower block. We used to play footie outside and I of the residents (fat ugly lazy tosser) used to always shout at us to piss off.
He came out one evening, and nicked the ball, so...

we wnt through the entire block (48 flats) and took every empty milk bottle, and then did the same from the next block.

We must have had about 200-250, and we stored them away in the store room. Then when we figured he had gone to bed, we put them outside his door. the corridor outside his door was only a foot or so wider than the door, and when we had finished, there must have been 10-12 rows of milk bottles outside his door.

Christ knows what would have happened if there had been a fire in his flat, but the bastard did deserve to burn
(bear trappers hat, Thu 5 May 2005, 11:17, Reply)

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
In secondary school, we had this teacher who was cross eyed. Like the age old pun, he really couldn't control his pupils.

We acquired a bottle of industrial strength glue at secondary school. This stuff was strong.

We glued his arse to the seat. So funny seeing him walk around in a contorted way.

Eventually the battle between fabric and gravity was won by gravity. And we all learned he went commando. The moment he checked it look scarily like Mr. Goatse

He left soon after, and we continued using the glue for all sorts of hilarious stuff. Glueing the CD draw shut on computers was the best though...
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Thu 5 May 2005, 11:11, Reply)

Winding up the post-doc:
Selloptaping the bottom of his mouse so that the ball won't roll-- has worked about 5 times now.
The post-doc has a rather jealous girlfriend, and as you can probably tell, isn't as technically minded as me. So I took a couple of photos on his cameraphone of one of the nice blonde students winking at the camera. That's his incoming and outgoing call pictures now. And his gf is NOT impressed. As it's been a fortnight now, and they're still there.
Pornolize-ing his browser was amusing too.
( drunkenoaf, Thu 5 May 2005, 10:49, Reply)

Dont leave your CV for others to edit .....
A work colleague of mine left his CV on a network drive that we all had access to. This was particularly silly, but not as silly as not password-protecting it.
Cue many 'slight' alterations. Such as :-

1) Inserting the words 'SPECIAL' and 'APPROVED' in the names of the schools he attended.
2) Adding 'Member of Hitler Youth' in hobbies
3) Adding 'Masturbating over copies of Shooting & Conservation' in favourite pastimes

and many more derisory comments

This lay undetected for some months, until said colleague found it. He thought it was the work of someone else, and complained to the boss.
We were all dragged into his office and made to confess.

What was best was that when he found that his CV had ben altered, he went into the boss' office. When he emerged, his first words were :

"It infers that I am mental !!"

How I wish I had been there
(bear trappers hat, Thu 5 May 2005, 10:47, Reply)

I'm that Jukebox twat.
As an undergrad, there was a total dive of a bar and pool hall. Really skanky; stuff of legend (I loved it). Lots and lots of proto-goths hung out there. They were _always_ on the pool tables. My pal Fraser and I hit on a good plan to clear the tables of 'em. Put Duran Duran's Rio on the Jukebox, Cherise's "I love your smile" twice, and Rio on again another three. Leave for the dive-of-a-bar, and return in about half an hour, no goths; pool tables available.

Also went to a trendy Deansgate (Manchester) bar, Xmas time, everyone jolly. Andy "smackhead" Rourke (bass player of The Smiths) was in there. So Rob and I put on "Shoplifters of the world unite" on a few times. Interspersed with lots of other cheery smiths tunes. How to make the atmosphere gloomy. Mr. Rourke seemed blithely unaware.

What gets me is that most places have a Jukebox reset button. Could they not find it, or summat?
( drunkenoaf, Thu 5 May 2005, 10:46, Reply)

i had this phase way back in year 8
whenever i entered a classroom. i would sit down. and then unscrew all but one of the screws from the desk with scissors or similar. sometimes all of them if it would hold. i sat somewhere different every time. by the end of the year i had loads of purty desk screws and thered always be funny creaking and/or crashing noises when people sat down.
(riedacher_bertram, Thu 5 May 2005, 10:45, Reply)

Revenge on a pub in Waterloo
Me and my work mates used to go to a pub in Waterloo, which we will call The Florence Nightingale for the reason that it was that very pub and the closest to work.
The landlord was a particularly obnoxious ex-Met policeman from whom any sense of humour had been forcibly removed at birth.
He had a habit of banning people from his drinking emporium at whim and one evening we became no exception for a minor misdemenour, the nature of which eludes me, but was probably for laughing in a built up area.
Forward a few weeks later, and we return. Now, 2 things to remember about the Florence. 1) It is a huge ugly modern crap pub, which has/had a long round bar so the git of a landlord couldn't see us where we were sitting. 2) The tables were these wrought iron, Singer sewing machine type things.
So whilst waiting for the inevitable with the landlord finally spotting us and chucking us out again, I started finding all the wing nuts that kept these tables from interfacing with gravity and unscrewing them. It was a particularly quiet night and I managed to do about five, leaving them in a very wobbly state before we were ejected. We just made it to the door when we heard the first one collapse so we legged it. The nuts went down a handy drain.
(Doctor Evil, Thu 5 May 2005, 10:31, Reply)

foam car
We had a friend of a friend who kept coming over and staying all weekend at our student party house.

que months of getting more and more pissed off with him until we decided to teach him a lesson.

take one frozen can of shaving foam and remove the can, so you have a frozen foam block in the shape of a can.

open car door, close all vents and put foam block under seat.

leave over night until its pressure is even and look out of window as he opens the door.

boom.... foam expands really quickly in a car.
(JLB8, Thu 5 May 2005, 10:28, Reply)

retro
headlights work with the keys out so you will drain your friend's battery and they won't jump at all when the car tottaly fails to start
( Vultan the real one I threw my little yellow shoe, Thu 5 May 2005, 10:23, Reply)

for the love of a woman
Many moons ago, when I was an angst-ridden teenager still in secondary school, my best mate decided to ask out this girl I really liked.

This was not on, but I went along with it. Til one day in an IT lesson, having to sit watching them all over each other, I decided he needed teaching.

Waited til he got up to go to the loo and dived over to his computer. Brought up the school's (highly defective) email program and set up a global email, containing a link to goat.se which would bring up many pictures whilst screaming 'I'M LOOKING AT GAY PORN' and bringing the archaic system to a screeching halt.

Thought a second before I sent it. Could I really do that to him? Yes. Yes I could.

Fast forward to two days later, him getting bollocked in the head teacher's office for corrupting 600 students of varying ages (all of whom seemed to find it quite amusing). He got suspended and many detentions after that.

He had no idea. I laughed. The girl still stayed with him.

It was alright, she was a right mentallist anyway.
(sporky, Thu 5 May 2005, 9:56, Reply)

Not intentional, but...
I was in year 9 at school, my brother in year 11. He was doing GCSE Electronics, and had his coursework all nicely set out in a ring binder. However, I needed somewhere to put my Pokémon cards, so I took the coursework out, and put my plastic cardholders into the ringbinder. I din't really look where I put the coursework, so it ended up getting lost. My brother got a U.
(Keiths Dad, Thu 5 May 2005, 9:50, Reply)

car sabotage
whenever your friends leave their car windows open whilst parked, reach in and pop on the headlamps, hazard lights, wipers, stereo up and anything else you can find - watch them jump when they get in and start the car
(retro, Thu 5 May 2005, 9:48, Reply)

Boredom in the workplace
A good few years ago I worked in an industry that was 'seasonal'. The wintertime was long and boring. To add insult to injury myself and a collegue had to endure working with the bosses son who was lazy and up his own arse so far he needed a glass stomach to see where he was going.
A regular practice was to get in early and drill a hole through his mug at the bottom then fill it with wax. When he eventually arrived he would make a cup of tea and settle down to read a newspaper at his desk. The wax would melt through and the liquid would drain onto his lap - making him look although he had an early incontinence problem.
How we laughed.....
(ElGatodeBarco, Thu 5 May 2005, 9:43, Reply)

There used to be a bit of software on the Mac called "SimPig"...
And all it did was to simulate the varied and interesting gastic life of a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig....

.... which means in plain English that it made a lot of farting, belching and grunting sounds, and it was one of those things that just made me crease up in hysterical laughter EVERY time I heard it.

So: one day whilst in an unguarded Mac lab, I installed it on all 16 machines and turned the volume way up... childish I know but I nearly wet myself with laughter!
(chairman_of_the_peoples_democratic_republic_of_birmingham, Thu 5 May 2005, 9:38, Reply)

Christmas Chocolates
Many moons ago as a young lad, Christmas was a special time and the tin of roses was a veritable treasure chest of delights hidden away and only appearing every now and then. Well, upon discovering the location of the tin I started to help myself every now and then, the problem came with what to do with all the empty wrappers. I had the cracking idea to hide them in my sister’s bedroom. The best bit is that when these wrappers were found in her room she admitted to it, as unbeknown to be she had found the tin and had been helping herself. She never twigged that half of those were wrappers were mine.
(GrrRatty, Thu 5 May 2005, 9:33, Reply)