Three stories! I shit you not! (ho ho ho)
Story one:

When I were but a lad doing gcse's, someone took such an offence to the school gypo's Hi-Tech Silver shaddows that they layed a perfectly curled cable in each one. The Headteacher's response? 'We will get to the bottom of this'...

Story two:

While my friends were playing a gig at a club in Aberdeen, they discovered a pair of disguarded grundies in the bogs. Thinking it would be funny, one of them hooked them up with his foot, and flicked them at the guitarist, not knowing that they were 'fully loaded'. They hit his leg with a wet slap, wraped themselves round his jeans, and drained their contents all over his new shoes, making him vomit and everyone else in the gents crease up with laughter.

Story Three:

When my dad was sick with the flu, he accidentally shat the bed. Thinking with the delirium you have when you're ill, he decided not to change the sheets. He simply swapped them round, and tried to blame my mum cause it was on her side of the bed.
(JoeVOD, Thu 6 May 2004, 1:22, Reply)

beh.
When I was 11 my class went on a three-day camping trip. The toilets were terrible. One night we all went on a hike through the woods with nothing but one weak flashlight. I had to poo but I decided not to as I'm the master of holding it. Right before we set off I noticed lighting off in the distance. I was scared to death of storms, and I still am at night. I ran up to the counselor dude and he waved it off as heat lightning. I hated him. I was half crying the whole time we were hiking, and with every step the lightning got closer. It started thundering and people started getting worried. I definitely had to shit by then. About a quarter mile from the end of the trail, the thunder got extremely thunderous and the lightning lit up the entire forest. It started pouring down. I thought the apocalypse was coming and that I was going to die horribly. I squealed and started running twice as fast as anyone else was. I could have gotten lost but I didn't care. I was so scared I forgot about holding it and ended up pissing myself completely, and then a huge sticky log found a home in my pants. Lovely. I darted into the toilets and promptly ripped off my pants and underwear. I tried to clean them off in the sink, crumpled them up and whimpered in the bathroom until the storm went away. I was avoided the rest of the trip.
( trintrin has jam for blood, Thu 6 May 2004, 1:03, Reply)

I'm not going to lower myself to your level
so there :P
(Human, Thu 6 May 2004, 1:02, Reply)

no seriously
had a dog that ate tinsel one christmas and had to try to shit it out

when i was about 9 i was in a big forest park place and i needed a shit, i was on a wooden bridge about three stories high and i shit off the edge of the bridge onto the footpath below, angering the other park users

and a week or two ago i ate two spinach and cheese lasagnes and half a bottle of cheap vodka, and when i shit it all out it looked exactly like damp hash
(John Doe, Thu 6 May 2004, 0:58, Reply)

You want disgusting?
How's about being gay and having to shit spunk occasionally.

...gotcha.
(jerbil_the_grape, Thu 6 May 2004, 0:57, Reply)

.
sorry it's such a long one.........
(John Doe, Thu 6 May 2004, 0:56, Reply)

I live in communal halls
I once dumped a 2ft long log that wouldn't flush. 10 attempts later we had to chop it up with the toilet brush... uuuurgh...

my flatmates named it 'nessie' and we believe it to be floating in the Atlantic somewhere, searching for it's tail end
(Canazza is mostly listening to Yes, Thu 6 May 2004, 0:49, Reply)

once went to "summer camp"...
except it was during the fall, and it was a mandatory 3 days at a crap establishment for everyone in my grade. they had the most awful food, some of which i ate, and then i also ate lots of jell-o. i didn't want to crap there because the toilets were absolutely crawling with filth and a few insects here and there. when i got back at school, i took a dump in the school toilets; the poo was mostly brown with a few green spots, about an inch an a half in diameter, and the green spots were webby, like those pictures of brain cells or nerves (like this).
i'm not sure if the greenness was due to holding in the poo for so long, or due to the crap food they served. either way, it was an awful three days.
(Corn Dog, Thu 6 May 2004, 0:30, Reply)

when i was a baby, inexplicably
my parents decided to take me in a hot tub.
one with the swirly water. round and round.
and it was communal at the hotel they were at.

the other inexplicable part, is that me and my nappy were parted.
i shat.
it went round and round.
everybody out.

i dont remember this as i was a baby, but it is brought up at every available family occaision. i'm almost proud.
(elegans, Thu 6 May 2004, 0:27, Reply)

A few years back
In my school there was the largest shit I've ever seen in my entire life. No one would flush it till everyone had witnessed this beast, Even then it took days of piss to break it down into a small enough chunk to be flushed.

Goatse himself would have had a hard time crimping that one off.
(00100100, Thu 6 May 2004, 0:22, Reply)

Last one...
Our school used to have a yearly 'school camp' outing, which was as tedious as 5 days in a field can be for 15 year olds. Given the state of the 2 portaloo's (wasps/ants a plenty) I vowed to piss against trees and simply not shit till I got back.

I hadn't counted on the amount of food that we'd be eating (not to mention the full cooked breakfast I'd had the morning we'd got there). And so, rolling around in my tent in complete agony on the last night, I decided to take a shit. Not just any shit, a stealthy ninja shit.

I scrabbled in the dark with a roll of Andrex in hand (I'm not an animal) and walked until I felt I was far enough away from the camp, squatted and dropped away. I finished up and went back to sleep contented and relaxed.

It was the next morning when I saw my French teacher clutching reams of shitty toilet paper that I realised my mistake, I hadn't accounted for the wind that night... It had blown my used toilet tissue all across one side of the camp site and now, visibly retching, a grown man was plucking poo-paper from the branches of a tree.

As he walked passed asking no-one in particular "Who would bloody do something so bloody stupid!", I shook my head and tried to look angry, puzzled and innocent. Of course I should have said "Me! It was me!"
( moonjam, Thu 6 May 2004, 0:09, Reply)

My shit was black after the Reading Festival.
Also, while at V Festival someone threw a cup of human shit, the majority of which landed on the tent behind, but some dollops hit the top of mine. It was pretty disgusting but in a weird way kind of funny. The following day a mate melted a chocolate bar onto the side of my tent to give the impression someone had threw some more shit. I was a bit perplexed by the smoothness of it, but dared not get my nose too close to differentiate between chocolate and shit. Some things are best left unsmelt.
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Wed 5 May 2004, 23:52, Reply)

shit history
when i was a very small child in my crib, my mother awoke one morning to find i'd taken a huge shit and painted the entire crib, top to bottom (including myself) with it. (this from the same kid who upturned a milk crate and used it for a potty in the living room.) although i don't remember, i'm certain her screams of horror shook the neighborhood.

"and that's when i knew, you were going to be an artist." she likes to say.
(clumsyassassin, Wed 5 May 2004, 23:50, Reply)

bubblegum shit
My family owns a beach house, and there is an outside shower stall that we use to wash off sand and other nasty beach residue before we go into the house. Well, when I was about 6, I was using the shower and I had to take a poo - I was too lazy to go inside to use the bathroom, so I just went in there. The thing was, my crap had a bright pink stripe in it... some bubble gum had actually passed through my intestines and exited my body intact! The next day, my grandmother mentioned the crap in the shower. My little sister said that she saw a dog in our yard (which had a 5 foot high fence with no ground clearance). Damn dog scaled our fence and took a shit in our shower!! A pink shit! The fiend... hehe, little kids are idiots. Especially when they are too damn lazy to walk to a toilet.
(skinnydip485, Wed 5 May 2004, 23:45, Reply)

The first time I met my girlfriend's parents...
I realised I needed to go to the loo. I politely excused myself and made my way to the bathroom. Needless to say, I did an unfurtunately large turd that refused to flush away, the brush wouldn't even help. I had to scuttled downstairs and get my girlfriend to fetch the Marigolds (all without the parents noticing...even though in the same room at this point!). This got the interest of her little brother going, so it ended up with all 3 of us in the bathroom, me trying to push the stuborn log around the S-bend, just as I reached too far and the rubber glove dipped below the "water" level, thus filling up, the mother banged on the door to ask what we were doing..."Nothing!" we all replied in unison.
I seem to remember spending the rest of the tea-drinking awkward evening chatting with the folks thinking only of the tainted rubber glove hidden in my pocket.
(tooled-up badger, Wed 5 May 2004, 23:33, Reply)

Ooh, got 2 more :P
1. Once my mate Debbie got food poisoning and did a green poo
2. We had a trip to Morcame (yaay.) in P7 and our "lovely" 3 star hotel was run by these old grannies.
One night we were taken out as a treat to the arcade (which was basically a converted pub full of boxes) and on our return, we noted vile fume that can only be discribed as granny fart. Looking in the toilet, we discovered she'd also left a large presant for us. Lovely. Wouldn't flush for 3 bloody days...
(Chiligrrl WHERE'S MAH DUBLOONS, Wed 5 May 2004, 23:30, Reply)

Another long one sorry...
My Gran (godresthersoul) used to visit us every Christmas - an event that gained an air of comedy once she had developed a knack of farting at the dinner table. Me and my Brother not only had to pretend we hadn't heard anything, but had to not make each other laugh - truly an impossibly feat.

At one of the last Christmas's we saw her, we sat down to eat and before the food was even at the table my Brother and I were grinning like idiots, waiting for the 'pfffft'. Somehow we went the whole meal and not a peep was heard from us or her buttocks. As we were clearing the dishes my Dad loudly belched to our laughter and my Grans disgust. She quickly tutted and said "well I never", before thunderously soiling herself right there and then.

I don't care what the Doctors say, I know it was embarrassment that killed her.
( moonjam, Wed 5 May 2004, 23:28, Reply)

There was once a rather large turd
of unknown origin in my toilet. It was not so much floating as blocking - after several flushes it still wouldn't go down. Being the irrational teenager I was, I decided to clear up this problem using bangers, 5 actually.

This resulted in me being deaf for the next 20 minutes, my mum calling me a 'little shit' for the next hour (bit ironic really) and a nasty mixture of toilet water and crap up the toilet wall for the rest of the afternoon, which I eventually had to scrub off.

Needless to say I haven't tried that again
(Big 'ole Jimbo Jones, Wed 5 May 2004, 23:24, Reply)

Lady poo
When I was a student, I lived with 2 other guys and (therefore) we had all experienced the horror of walking into a freshly poisoned toilet. However one night, after a really shit evenings work at Tesco's, I walked into the flat toilet and was instantly greeted with the foulest of airs imaginable by man. Knowing that at least one of the bastards was responsible I started shouting "You dirty fucking cunt! It fucking stinks of your evil shitty shit in there you diseased bastard...".

As I walked into the lounge, not only were both my flatmates in, but so were 2 of their parents. The Mother looked at me in disgust and stomped out before I could aoplogise for my language. I only found out after they had left that (with my other flatmate nearly shitting himself laughing) they had only 'popped in to use the loo' - and it was her who had needed it.

Oh dear.
( moonjam, Wed 5 May 2004, 23:15, Reply)

Me
and my mates were sitting in school talking at lunchtime when my other friend called Julz ran round the corner like an excited puppy screaming "Have you seen it?!" Rather confused, we said no. "Well, hurry up, follow me!!" came the reply, Julz now hopping from foot to foot with sheer glee.
We followed her into the girls toilets were a small crowd of 1st years had formed round one of the cubicles. Using our folders as battering rams, we bravely fought our way into the toilet to be greeted by the sight of...the biggest turd I have EVER seen. Honestly, it was as thick as my fist and it actually curled in the bowl.
The worst thing though? The 1st years had their camers phones out and were taking pictures of it! I'm sure that'd be nice to recieve over dinner...
sorry for length :)
(Chiligrrl WHERE'S MAH DUBLOONS, Wed 5 May 2004, 23:10, Reply)

Not terribly exciting...
Family holiday to the wonderful city of York. Stopping off at a motorway services on the way there, we did a bit of shopping at the Sainsburys store that was present. I, the inquisitive 7 year old that I was, spotted some tasty looking Trebor Lemon Mints in the sweetie section, and proceeded to buy three packs.

When we got to York, I'd scoffed my way through two packs, and was saving my last pack for the remainder of the holiday. Bored, I decided to read the ingredients. "WARNING: THIS PRODUCT MAY HAVE LAXATIVE EFFECTS IN SMALL CHILDREN".

Unsure as to what this means, I ask my Dad: "Dad, what does "laxative" mean?". He replies "It makes you go to the toilet all the time.".

Thinking he was joking, I ignored his warning and proceeded to eat the third and final pack anyway.

For the rest of the holiday, three whole days - I was stopping every five or ten minutes to find a toilet. The York sightseeing tour was most interesting...
( GazChap, Wed 5 May 2004, 23:09, Reply)

Once
I was fishing with my mate, Eddy, he had jumped into the pond and took a shit. he brought it into the boat and stuck it into the worm can. I didn't see him do this. was taking a pee. came back and sat down. stuck my hand into the can and guess what i pulled out. I was washing my hands for an hour!
( tolin its me, Wed 5 May 2004, 23:03, Reply)

Imodium couldn't TOUCH it
About a month ago I got food poisoning from a dodgy curry. A couple of days later I couldn't go 20 minutes without having to run to the loo to shit watery jets into the loo. Coupled with farts this produces a somewhat "pebbledashed" effect.

I ended up playing a game of rugby for my team in the same week, despite being so ill I could hardly stand, couldn't stop shivering and was white as a sheet and weak as a kitten.

In the end I had to drive home (newcastle to newbury!!) stopping quite literally at EVERY services on the M1 to use the facilities. Eventually, after a week and a half of torture (and a severly shredded ring - I was wiping more blood than poo) I got antibiotics and got better.

Net result? Lost a stone in a week and a half.
(Super Oaf Petit filous?, Wed 5 May 2004, 23:02, Reply)

Slush from the chippy
Another mate of mine had been the chippy and bought a slush from there. After drinking he
rode home on his bike.

While riding home he shat his pants, but it was blue coloured. He assumed it was from the slush (which is a fair assumption to make) so instead of continuing home to get cleaned up he decided to go back to the chippy to show them what their slush had done!

Dirty bastard!
(Beaston, Wed 5 May 2004, 23:02, Reply)

when visiting family friends
This is a 2 parter.
part one:
we had gone to visit some family friends i was about 12 or 13 my sister about 7ish her and the other girl were playing in one of the rooms. my sister thought it would be funny to pull up her nighty and let rip unfortunatly she followed through at high velocity and pebble dashed the bookcase and surrounding floor.

part 2:

titled richard the turd.
this is the only time i have admitted this because at the time i was a lil embarrassed.
at the same weekend visiting i decided i needed to drop a load so off i went and sat and unloaded the biggest turd i have yet to do and see (approx 20" it was at the u-bend and half way up the side of the bowl). now with a turd of this size flushing was a problem it just wouldn't shift i also couldn't find the ceremonial bog brush to beat it so i decided to leave it and say nothing. the mpther of the family was the unfortunate person to find it and her words were "jesus christ who the hell left that behind its huge". i never admitted to it and the blame was placed upon her (now ex(not because of the turd)) husband even though he denied it. they then had to get the bog brush from the other loo and beat it away.
( Plomien is Polish for flame, Wed 5 May 2004, 23:01, Reply)

my
mate told me (as it is my favorite veg, well only one i eat) that if you eat too much sweet corn it gives you corny shit. well both not believing him and intregued i went out a got two tins of the sweetcorn and ate it for dinner. Well late the next day i had finnished the brewing so went to Eartha Kitt, grabbed a look, and my mate was right, and i was horrified i had shitjust sweetcorn, nothing else just sweetcorn..... i wanna try more food that do this, so off to get some kendal mint cake, chewits and Beetroot...
ohh and by eating can you change more than colour and texture?
(evil pete, Wed 5 May 2004, 23:00, Reply)

Ikea in Edinburgh
Used to work in there when someone took a shit in one of the show toilets. It was hillarious, there are still skid marks on the bowl to this day!
(Inazuma, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:58, Reply)

poopants
At the end of a messy evening I found myself crashed out around my friends house with a few other pissed twats - most notably, 2 girls.

After drunken banter we all started to fall asleep, until one of the group loudly farted. Naturally the whole room errupted with laughter, save one of the girls screaming "That's disgusting!", to which my friend leaped up, pushed his y-front covered arse next to her face and visibly strained. He got much more than he bargained for and what the poor girl saw was a small turd poking at his pants like a midgets erection.

I believe he is still single.
( moonjam, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:58, Reply)