thROB
You twat, you simple fucking twat.
(spankybumchunks, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 14:16, Reply)

Hmm.
Just today, actually. Turns out I am a teenager. And one that doesn't have a clue about ancient history, so resorts to writing haikus and hoping the teacher will get enough of a laugh out of them to give me a decent mark.

Ramesses, Jesus
Who would win in a knife fight?
Ramesses, for sure.

Ramesses, rapper
Watch him bust out a sweet rhyme
Good one, Ramesses

Or something along those lines. There was 4 in total.
( Le Brad, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 14:08, Reply)

Late Night Limericks
I'm still a teenager so I could embarrass myself with depressing-yet-hilarious emo-kid poetry. But will I? No. Instead here are two of the limericks my friends and I made up when pulling an all-nighter for no good reason. There were a very large amount but I can only remember two. And excuse the made-up words:

There once was a woman from Mildo,
Who would always wank using a dildo.
She came on her hand,
And rubbed it in sand,
That crazy old woman from Mildo.

There once was a man from Eastbourne,
Who would always masturbate watching porn,
He would wank all day,
While tossing some clay,
That wasn't all he was tossing in Eastbourne

I did not say it was Shakespeare.
(Fireinzehole, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 13:57, Reply)

RE: Eggs.
Bollocks did they!!!

I'm still alive.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 12 Aug 2005, 13:48, Reply)

Written on toilet wall:
Some come here to sit and think
Others come to shit and stink
I come here to scratch my balls
And read the writing on the walls.
(deanos, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 13:37, Reply)

Angry teen! Grrrr
Immigrants Poem

I come for visit, get treated regal,
So I stay, who care I illegal?
I cross border, poor and broke,
Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.
Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send plenty cash right to your door."

Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,
NHS, it keep you healthy!
By and by, I got plenty money,
Thanks to you, English dummy.

Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them come as fast as you can.
They come in rags on the back of trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks.

They come here, we live together,
More welfare checks, it gets better!
Fourteen families they moving in,
But neighbor's patience wearing thin.

Finally, white guy moves away,
Now I buy his house, and then I say,
"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.

Send for family (they just trash),
But they, too, draw the welfare cash!
Everything is mucho good,
And soon we own the neighbourhood.

We have hobby--it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!

Englishman crazy! He pay all year,
To keep us immigrants in comfort here.
We think UK is very good place!
Much too good for the white man race.

If they not like us, they can go,
There's lots of room elsewhere you know....

Nuff said!

Seeya
(thROB, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 13:24, Reply)

Mums cooking
My Mums stew's got wobbly bits,
They make it look quite funny,
I goes down my throat like lumps of coal,
And comes out black and runny.
(Tim K, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 13:24, Reply)

Going by what I can find, poetry was never a strongpoint

-Rodney The Bouncing Plant Pot Penguin-
Oh baby look at his bounce
So sexy in his pot of chickpeas
I want to take him home
And cook him a lasagne in the microwave.
( MCQ Cartoons n' shit: bagowank.com, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 13:19, Reply)

Eggs
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Had eggs for breakfast as its fucking impossible to put an egg back together. In fact no they wont as I dont think horses even eat eggs.
(ivebeenhigh i've climbed so high, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 12:59, Reply)

Rude Teachers
Me and my friend used to recite this all the time when we were kids. No idea where we got it from!

It is a mans occupation
To stick his knobulation
Up the womans ventilation
To increase the population
Of the younger generation.

I got this information
From the board of education
After a detailed demonstration
Of two teachers on the floor!
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 12:57, Reply)

qotw
mary had a little lamb,
she also had a duck,
she put them on the mantle piece
to see if the would........
fall off
(THE_TRUFFLE_PIG, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 12:47, Reply)

Woo! Gleeballs!
Attempting to sneak another dissenting post in before the mods delete it. That wee flamewar we were having last night was a damm sight more interesting than this QOTW week. Still, I've posted a few of my tales up on

www.livejournal.com/users/legless123/

Suppose I'd better write some poetry in a vain attempt not to get this post deleted as well.

Here I sit
Broken Hearted
Paid a penny
And only farted
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 12:38, Reply)

the 4play song
Slap, slap,
tickle, tickle,
slap, tickle, squeeze

slap, tickle
flick, flick,
tickle, flap, tease

nibble, squeak,
suck, bounce,
fiddle, fuck, cheese.

slap, clap,
man-fat
down to my knees
(callipygous everytime I kill a hitchhiker, God masturbates, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 12:35, Reply)

Madonna
Inspired by my dad (sometime in 1984 or so) changing the lyrics to "Like A Virgin" to "Like A Harlot", 13-year-old me picked it up and ran with it:

I didn't get my dole cheque
it never made it through
never knew how broke I was
til I met you

I was fucked
out of luck
I was poor
I was in the wars*
but you maaaaaade me feel
like becoming a whore...

Like a harlot
Touched for the 375th time...

Gonna give ya gonorreah
my herpes fading fast
gonna give it all to you
in return for cash

(Errr.... forgotten the rest, understandably enough I didn't keep my notes)

*"in the wars" is an expression both of my nanna's used to use upon injury - I present with a grazed knee, they respond with "Oooh, you've been in the wars haven't you?" Of course in those days "the wars" were just a few minor airline hijackings, nothing to what we have today, lucky lucky us.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 12:34, Reply)

'Tease'
I find much relief in the act of debriefing,
pulling my pants down,
ne'er raising a frown,
slipping off the vest,
smoothly across my breast,
rolling off the socks,
heart big as an ox,
to leave my hat on for show
Cos Tom Jones said so.
(Ally_Baby, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 12:31, Reply)

God,
You depressing bunch of cunts. *slashes wrists*
( Laughing Boy, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 12:31, Reply)

Well since I am a teen ager for another week and 6 days...
I could not give a bother,
With all this bloody rhyming Speak
I really could not give a shit
about the crap Question of the week,
( nowimboard shouted "Bring On The Trumpets!" at, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 12:26, Reply)

Skol
remember this one............

skol, skol, skol, skol,
skol, skol, skol, skol,
skol, skol, skol, skol,
skol, skol, skol, skol.


........its been emotional
(Axe murderer, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 12:16, Reply)

It's not teenage but:
When I was about 6, I decided to make my own Christmas cards. One contained a special rhyme I'd made up, which pretty much captures the seasonal spirit.

Christmas, Christmas, come again
Christmas snow is frozen rain.
( giant_squid, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 12:15, Reply)

another rim-a-lick
If you say you don't wank, you're a liar
And a fool if you say that you do,
so next time you see,
Prince Charles in TV,
Remember he wanks himself too...



mmm lyrics.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 12 Aug 2005, 12:13, Reply)

When my sister was born
I was seven and I wrote this for her...

Even though you're not a boy
All our hearts are full of joy
(skindley, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 12:10, Reply)

I wrote this 3 days ago about me and my mate Jin...
Im 16 so it counts.

Why hello there,
flat-chested friend,
to me a padded bra
you lend.
and you know,
that it will fit,
cos both of us,
ain't got no tits.

But it don't matter,
cos you see,
we're boobless buds,
yeah you and me.

Don't stuff our bra's,
with no kleenex,
cos we don't use
no false effects.
We got nothing,
to get off our chests,
cos both of us,
ain't got no breasts.

But very soon,
our bra's will fill,
because we're going
on the pill.
(PAMPAMPAM, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 12:06, Reply)

Fantastic pick-up rhyme this one...
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Chilli is hot,
...and you are not.

you see, if I had "and so are you" as the last line girls would get the wrong impression and think that I actually fancy them. That wouldn't work and they would run off and scream and stuff.
(brazzin, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 12:05, Reply)

Not really poetry but...
I wrote this as part of a 19 page rant a few years back:
The Falkland Islands coat of arms is a sheep rampant in lingerie on a blue background. The Motto is “Desire The Riches�. The National Anthem, music for washboard and banjo by Benjamin Benjamin and words scrawled by Benjamin Ben Benjaminson is as follows:

See our lovely Islands, and all the precious things,
There’s lots of sheep, lovely sheep, and also cute penguins,
We are all related, related one and all,
Benjamin’s a common name, it’s what everyone’s called.

Chorus

Are we local? Yes we are,
The localest locals by far.

The Falklands are a lovely place, a lovely place to live,
With lots of stunning views, and wildlife to frolick with,
Us Islanders are a friendly race, especially with our relations,
The Argentine we won’t forgive, we’ll have no immigration.

Repeat Chorus

End





apologies to anyone from the Falklands
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 12 Aug 2005, 12:03, Reply)

Roses....
Roses are red,
Violets are blue
I've got Tourette's
FUCKSOCKS!!!!


Leprosy,
Bits and pieces keep falling off me,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
Since I contracted leprosy.


Not strictly teenage but then, so what?
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 12 Aug 2005, 11:58, Reply)

Rhyming rant of the week
It's Thursday morning and I'm stuck at work,
All too cheerfully greeted by the office jerk,
As he gets on with his tasks with a terrifying glee,
I'm desperately seeking something to occupy me.

With a shifty glance towards the bosses door,
And a fervent prayer against the dreaded 404,
All the while pretending to colleagues I'm making my desk a little neater,
My browser is directed to the QOTW at B3ta.

What wonders will await me there this week? I ponder,
What has Legless done now that'll help my mind to wander?
Can I shoehorn one of my unfunny tales to fit?
Or am I edging ever closer to being a boring old shit?

I hope against hope it'll be more funny names,
The hilarity of Cobbity Jobbins never wanes,
And so what if some of the stuff is a little made up?
It's better than, again, washing my coffee cup.

Not that the boss ever notices my work avoidance ploys,
He's always too busy with his executive toys,
I might work harder if they paid me alright,
Okay, its bollocks, I'd read b3ta till I went home at night.

But still you'd think he'd be more on the ball,
I mean, how tidy can a desk really get, is all,
Yet I digress; let's get back to the board,
Where the drunken disaster posts always strike a chord.

Okay its not perfect and some things just grate,
Like the urban legends that 'happened to a mate',
People write 'this isn't funny' then post instead of giving it a miss,
And still they believe we'll click on 'I like this.'

The van that played music when the ice cream ran out,
Bloody Loogabarooga and length/girth jokes that shout,
That you're making up for something cause you're world doesn't rock,
But for Christ's sake you didn't get chilli on your cock!

But I'm always certain this weeks question will be a blast,
Yet Teenage Poetry, I read out, aghast,
Is that bugger of a God setting me some kind of test?
To survive at work with B3ta not at it's best?

I hit refresh and hope my eyes had gone shitty,
But it still won't go away, more's the pity,
A quick check of the calendar, its not April the first,
And now I read Legless, doing his worst.

Where are the funnies? I need to shirk!
Oh dear holy Christ, I may have to work!
So the only way to relieve my boredom, I curse,
Is to half arsedly join in with my own little verse.

To plead with the overlords to make next week better,
To you lot as well as the de facto question setter,
For months on end you've asked us to suggest a topic,
We did so, now pick one, please Mr. Chthonic!
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 12 Aug 2005, 11:46, Reply)

not written by me, but stuck in my head for years.....
a fig is a fig is a fig
but not a pig
or a mule
or a fool
or a school
but a fig
(nonstopdancer, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 11:46, Reply)

There were some that I used to mumble at school...
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm Schizophrenic,
And so am I.

Little fly upon the wall,
'Aint you got no friends at all?
Don't you know this walls been plastered?
Oh you're such a silly fly.
(knuks Lurking for 12+ years, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 11:36, Reply)

I'm fighting middle-age,
and I'm only seventeen
I idolise Terry Wogan,
instead of James Dean.
( rob, Fri 12 Aug 2005, 11:30, Reply)