NEWSLETTER: "THIS NEWSLETTER IS NOT LATE, YOU'RE EARLY"
This Week:
* LIES - "How Hitler helped write this newsletter"
* BOLLOCKS - "Swollen to the size of a balloon"
* TITS - "We are men who've seen them. On Wikipedia"
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're chasing the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Dragon 32
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 709 - 15th Feb 2019
Read this issue smelling your own farts:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue709
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1 like = 1 bit of contextual information that AI
will use to help build a deeper understanding of
how to profile you for advertisers.
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: SHEEP! RULES THE INTERNET NEWS
Yes, that's Sheep! Like Wham!
In news from the B3ta diaspora, Sheep! has been
making a lot of noise of Twitter with his
perplexing question, "If baguettes could move,
how would they move? Give your reasoning."
275k+ likes, Christ on a baguette.
https://twitter.com/sheepfilms/status/109348713883...
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Things that would win a referendum that would be
a bad idea:
* Dissolve parliament
* Bring back hanging
* Abolish TV licence
* End income tax
* Closing all cycle lanes
* Murder legal if you think the other person
looks at kids funny
* Invading France
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: HOW TO CREATE A 1980s SCI-FI SPACESHIP SHOT
Using only a washing up bottle and some glue
Ronofthesouth got bored at the weekend and
decided to work out how to create the kind of
spaceships shots you might have seen in Alien.
Not bad job at all.
https://b3ta.com/links/Creating_a_1980s_sci_fi_spa...
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Eminem's 2000 hit Stan is dominated by the pencil
sound effects all through the verses. Stan writes
his fan letters in pencil. Eminem writes back in
pencil. Are these people 5 years old?
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: REES-MOGG COMMON PEOPLE
Yeah it was made by a b3tan
That Rees-Mogg animation that's everywhere?
Created by old school b3tan @swedemason. He
writes, "I got some work! The Mourinho plan was
a success and I'm now working with the guys at
Joe. This is the first fruit."
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Jacob_Rees_Cock_er
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Reusable cups from coffee shop have created a world of adult-toddlers with sippy-cups.
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: EGGPOD VS ROBMANUEL VS JOHN LENNON
Words for your earholes
B3ta editor Rob Manuel on the EggPod podcast to
talk about John Lennon's Plastic Ono Band. Not
the best LP ever, but probably the best podcast
ever recorded.
BTW: The podcast is run by B3tan Chris Shaw AKA
CCC, who is the same guy who pulled of the
'Monkeyman superhero hoax' (check Wikipedia)
and used to cheer up the newsletter by getting
his local paper to print weird classifieds
about dog poo.
https://iamtheeggpod.com/2019/01/29/episode-15-rob...
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Ever noticed that the tube station Marylebone is
named after Simon Le Bon's sister?
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: SUPPORT BREEL'S BOARD GAME
Friend of dotty
Remember Breel? He of the ear socks from the
early bashes? He's kickstartering a board game
and wants your help. It's called "go dotty" and
we're looking forward to connecting the dots
and playing it.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/godotty/go-do...
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BLACK MIRROR EPISODE: There's a bug in twitter
that reveals all the time you voted for the cunty
option in your friend's polls.
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: SITES IN BEEF
Stuff from outside the official B3ta universe
* SOOTY & SWEEP - This clip where Sweep's
relatives come to stay is like drinking helium
at a kids' party.
https://twitter.com/archivetvmus71/status/10903106...
* WHICH SPOTIFY SONG WAS PLAYED THE MOST? Bound
to annoy the purists when they find that
which-is-best isn't a good guessing technique.
https://www.topofthespots.com/
* CUTLERY DRAWER SIMULATOR - The best
simulators are pointless simulators
https://ded.increpare.com/~locus/Schubladesimulato...
* A TUBE MADE OF SPLIT SECONDS OF FAMOUS SONGS
- specifically to test if this is copyright
infringement or not.
https://twitter.com/EclecticMethod/status/10884657...
* TOM BAKER SAYING "WHAT?" THE SUPERCUT - the
fourth and best Doctor saying 'wot wot wot'
https://twitter.com/pipmadeley/status/108712945525...
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Along with the slow death of the physical media
is the parallel death of "having a stereo".
Replaced with a black speaker you can also shout
at to time eggs.
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: HELP MAKE SISTER OF MERCY BOOK HAPPEN
To make the editor of this newsletter happy
Rob Manuel writes - "I'm an old Sisters of
Mercy fan, this might shock you but it's true
and last year I did a bit of work with the
publishers Unbound, and whilst there I
introduced a writer and Sisters historian Mark
Andrews to them because there's never been a
Sister biography. Please help make this happen
by pledging because I just want to read the
damn thing."
https://unbound.com/books/sistersofmercy
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Things we'll get back after Brexit:
Old money
Imperial measurements
Answering the phone like "Kettering 6542"
Picking up the phone and going "operator?"
Radio 4 returning to the Home Service
Bobbies on bicycles
Cheeky milkmen
Old county lines restored
Churchill's ghost for PM
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Beatles movies
Peter Jackson is turning 55 hours of previously
unseen Beatles footage in to a new movie, so
let's jump on that bandwagon and movie up The
Beatles. Photoshop them in to films or give us
some lovely song based cinema puns.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/beatlesfilms
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Do you see the shampoo bottles occasionally left
in gym showers as a soapy bonus - or worry about
a serial killer who operates by leaving poisoned
body wash in communal changing rooms waiting for
a victim to rub death into their unsuspecting
scalp?
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: FOLLOW UPS
Other bits of news in tiny cat food chunks
* MISSING RULE OF THREE POD? The creators have
radio show being repeated at the moment on
Radio 4. To be fair it's very different
content, being a comedy rather than chat about
comedy, but it's fun to see what our favourite
podcasters do for their day job. Normal podcast
service returning later this month.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0bfydqz
* SPECTRUM GAMERS WANTED - "I'm filming
interviews with people about their memories of
the Spectrum and its 80s games as an academic
project and short documentary. UK only at the
moment. Email [email protected] if
interested."
* BROS'S CLAIM THAT THEY'RE NOT SUPERSTITIOUS -
put to the test by B3tan Dr Dunno.
https://twitter.com/christhebarker/status/10912982...
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Just a bit of cosmic ordering: the people who
made the Bros documentary should make a Five Star
documentary.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some inspiration to start you off
* IS BRITAIN GREAT AGAIN? A single page website
dot com which displays random NO gifs from
imgur and plays a midi version of Rule
Britannia.
* CHEGGERS PLAYS BOT - a code tribute to the
late, great Keith Chegwin that works by
reposting jokes from other Twitter funny people
without credit.
* AN OFF SWITCH FOR PIERS MORGAN - blocks his
tweets, mentions in media, his ITV TV show,
people talking about his tweets, anything to do
with Gillette, anything to with Gregg's sausage
rolls. Together let's make him toxic, that if
he gets on his shit horse about something that
that gets block too until brands plead with him
never to say anything again.
* THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE TOOTLES OFF TO
AUSCHWITZ - would be an unforgettable and
probably unbroadcastable sketch. Don't make it.
We're sorry for even thinking about it.
Send your work to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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They say hair of the dog cures a hangover but
we've been licking it since 10am and we've only
succeeded in giving him an erection.
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: CREDIT
Edited by Rob Manuel & ClickBait Robot with
extra stuff from Monkeon.
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Celebrity Squares:
* Rectangular Rippon
* oBlongdie
* Kitey Mingogue
* Rhombus Weasley
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: PATREON THANKS
* BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES
PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*,
*MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
*ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
*BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
*CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
*JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
*MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
*PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
GOODE
* BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
@MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, JǏM
MCNǏVEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
TIM BEACHY
* BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam
Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren,
Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail,
Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben,
Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
Philadelphia.
Please bung us your cash:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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People who run down the narrow bit of spiral
staircases - how are you like this?
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: AND SPECIAL THANKS TO ED
For being our biggest patreon
Follow him on the Twitter. Go on.
https://twitter.com/edzitron
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: TOP TIP
Make your own Nigel Farage by teaching a frog
to be racist. (NoStrings)
Add your own at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips
