NEWSLETTER: "'WE BOUGHT IT TO HELP WITH YOUR HOMEWORK' IN A SAD MINOR KEY"
"'We Bought It To Help With Your Homework' in a sad minor key"
This Week:
* FESSHOLE - the James Blunt crossover no one wanted
* SUCCESS - 'Hell Bus' reaches crowdfunder target
* CHALLENGE - Help Gov make TV & film more British
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | sausages for the pig
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| aporkalypse... together"
B3ta electro e-email 787 - 17th Sept 2021
Read this issue to your increasingly flaccid penis:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue787
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: B3TA DIASPORA
What old b3tans are doing now
* 'HELL BUS' CROWDFUNDER REACHES TARGET -
Spelling Mistakes Cost Lives writes, "Thanks
to UnclePills for posting it here previously,
but just to say the anti-Shell greenwashing
bus is now fully funded and I'm ploughing away
at getting it made. Will be at the Lakes
International Comic Festival in Cumbria in
October and Glasgow for COP26 in November."
http://www.royaldutchhell.com/
* CYRIAK DOES 'REAL WORLD' ANIMATION - Uncle
Pills also points out that Cyriak has a new
animation out. "Introducing Cyriak Animator
Pro, the new professional video making
software I built myself out of lego and
cardboard."
https://b3ta.com/links/No_one_posted_Cyriak_yet
* GOTH BOOK - Your editor briefly had a job
commissioning books and he abused his position
to get a Sisters Of Mercy biography over the
line. Finally in the shops in one month - pre
order now.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/18001803...
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up for cheap likes
Every week we pass around the confession
bucket and ask for you to vomit your thoughts,
then we strain for the meatiest chunks and
stick them on MySpace:
* AIRPORTS - 'Whenever I've been at an
international airport over the past 40yrs,
I've stood at the departure boards, & said
"New York, London, Paris, Munich, everybody
talk about Mmm Pop Music." Last week, a
smartly dressed man replied "Shoobie doobie do
wop." Mission accomplished.'
* DAFFODILS - "Dave. It was me who planted the
daffodils spelling DAVE IS A CUNT outside your
house. Not sorry. You are a cunt."
* URNS - "When house-sitting for a mate, I put
a leash around the urn containing his dog's
ashes and took it for a 'walk' round his
garden. After I sent him the photos, it turned
out I'd picked the wrong urn of the mantle
piece and taken his grandad for a stroll
instead. Sorry, Ken."
Join the 176,000 people who should have their
ZX Microdrives inspected by the Sweeney.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
BTW: This was also the week Fesshole got a
quote tweet from James 'Your Beautiful' Blunt
and we're sorry about linking to his nipples:
https://twitter.com/JamesBlunt/status/143752226571...
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: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
Big jumpers
Hebtro have decided that keeping your legs
warm with jeans isn't enough and they've
decided to tackle your top too with some large
pullovers. 100% Yorkshire wool from Yorkshire
sheep and knitted in Nottingham, just like
your slightly odd friend of your mum used to
make.
https://hebtro.co/product-category/jumpers/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Content made by people we don't talk to
* FOOTBALL STICKERS - A complete set of Panini
football sticker albums from 1978 to 1983,
ideal for fans of football stats and/or bad
haircuts. A good data source should anyone
fancy making a 'This 80s Footballer Does Not
Exist' site.
https://fanpictures.ru/magazines/panini/eng.html
* AI GENERATED TECH QUESTIONS - A nicely
designed bit of neural network nonsense. This
time writing fake Stack Overflow questions.
More legible than many actual questions that
get asked. Would be interesting to post them
on SO and see how many people attempt to
answer.
https://stackroboflow.com
* NORM MCDONALD JOKES - A site that now serves
as a tribute to Norm Macdonald, though having
your jokes stolen and displayed out-of-context
via Math.random() probably isn't what any
comedian would want when alive. Sample: "Let's
be honest, most people you see going skinny
dipping are actually just going dipping."
https://normjokes.com
* HOW TO REMOVE DOTS FROM PRINTED PHOTOS -
Very-nerdy-but-interesting thing about drawing
in the frequency domain to remove noise.
Contains surprising wisdom like: "I’ve always
had this theory that any long-term project
requires two ingredients: things you’re good
at, and things you want to learn. The first
group gives you a feeling of accomplishment
and mastery. The other one? It keeps things
interesting."
https://www.getrevue.co/profile/shift-happens/issu...
* OBVIOUSLY B3TA TOWERS IS SHOOK BY THE NEWS
OF SIR CLIVE'S DEATH - but linking to Hey Hey
16k again might be self-serving, so instead
the whole Micro Men show is on YouTube, and
definitely worth a watch if you haven't seen
it. Maybe there will be more Uncle Clive
content next week if something we're planning
actually pans out.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* RICK ASTLEY DOES MORRISSEY - enjoyed how
Astley has boiled the piss out of a load of
old Smiths fans with his recent shows,
including annoying Johnny Marr. But we think
Rick is sincere in his love, and has been
sporting a quiff and a baritone since he first
appeared on the scene. Hiding in plain sight -
he was always a fan.
https://b3ta.com/links/Like_The_Smiths_but_with_an...
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: FRIDAY GAME(S)
Two games for the price of a free lunch
* QUAKE IN 13k - in less memory than it takes
to program a Jet Pack comes a surprisingly
playable first person shooter. Part of the
annual 13k javascript compo - hack the URL to
play loads more games. We also enjoyed
'Tenacity'.
https://js13kgames.com/games/q1k3/index.html
* OMG IT'S FULL OF STARS - A whole universe
built in javascript. The gameplay is Where's
Wally for stoners, basically, but where Wally
has been replaced by a supermassive black
hole.
https://across-multiverse.com
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How do you know when your goose eggs have gone
off? They start honking.
The confusingly named 'The Porcupine From
Purgatory' is sorry they've written a joke, are
you sorry you've written one? Do tell us.
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Abba
Here's the best images from last week:
* BUS JOKE - from Happy Toast
https://b3ta.com/board/11350396
* BJORN JOKE - from Ninj
https://b3ta.com/board/11350502
* WELSH JOKE - from Octo
https://b3ta.com/board/11350501
* See all the other images from the 'Abba' challenge:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/abba/popular/
>> This week: make TV more British <<
Comply with government regulations by making
all TV and film more British.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/tvorfilmmoreBritish/popu...
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: NEW MUSIC FOR OLD PEOPLE
Refresh your tastes
We were thinking about how we haven't listened
to much new music recently so we decided to
crowdsource some with the rule "Recommend a
song that you like that was made in the last
three years, and not by an older artist whose
big years were in the last millennium." We've
put 20 in a playlist so you can listen and see
if anything stands out that you want to
investigate further. It’s limited to 20 as
being exhaustive is, well, exhausting.
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7fZURL7q6AFx2ese...
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: LETTERS TO UNCLE B3TA
What's in the inbox of bollocks this week?
* FAN MAIL - Trinaisartsy writes, "Hi B3ta, I
just wanted to say that I have been reading
these newsletters since I was 12 years old
(I’m 30 now) and I have always loved the
content that you curate. You guys have great
taste. Thank you for doing this over the
years." Well Trina, we've been going 20 years
and you missed the best two.
* UNFAN MAIL - Stehayward writes, "I think I
found the B3ta members badge" Ah Goatse our
old buddy, we remember you well.
https://eu.rebelger.com/collections/rings/products...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* NEW WAYS TO APPEASE BREXITEERS - If the
government wants other ideas to appease people
who are now mostly dead - revert the counties
back to whatever they were before the early
70s so that our now dead forefathers can still
use the address "Staffordshire" instead of
"West Midlands".
* WHAT'S THAT WEIRD SMELL? Would make a good
investigative documentary series that would
probably run for 40 years.
* TAKE THE BATTERSEA POWER STATION STATION
CHALLENGE - it's the only tube station with
'station' in the name but how far can you get
from it only using the tube whilst listening
to Pink Floyd's Animals.
Stick your dicks in the blender here:
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
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Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
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Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
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Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image
challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra
support. Proofing by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
Jobling & Daniel Calvin. And bonus new love to
Douglas Pennant, Roy Santos & Will Thompson.
We love you. OH GOD, and more bonus love to
Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil McGuire & Paul
Blanchard - you sexy people. And Mike Powell
and Damion Brown. Love you.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: TOP TIP
Let everyone know you're a racist by starting
a sentence "I'm not a racist, but..."
https://b3ta.com/questions/toptips
