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NEWSLETTER: "'WE BOUGHT IT TO HELP WITH YOUR HOMEWORK' IN A SAD MINOR KEY"

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"'We Bought It To Help With Your Homework' in a sad minor key"
This Week:
* FESSHOLE - the James Blunt crossover no one wanted
* SUCCESS - 'Hell Bus' reaches crowdfunder target
* CHALLENGE - Help Gov make TV & film more British

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |    "We're saving the 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  sausages for the pig
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| aporkalypse... together"

B3ta electro e-email 787 - 17th Sept 2021

Read this issue to your increasingly flaccid penis:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue787

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA DIASPORA
  What old b3tans are doing now

  * 'HELL BUS' CROWDFUNDER REACHES TARGET -
  Spelling Mistakes Cost Lives writes, "Thanks
  to UnclePills for posting it here previously,
  but just to say the anti-Shell greenwashing
  bus is now fully funded and I'm ploughing away
  at getting it made. Will be at the Lakes
  International Comic Festival in Cumbria in
  October and Glasgow for COP26 in November."
http://www.royaldutchhell.com/

  * CYRIAK DOES 'REAL WORLD' ANIMATION - Uncle
  Pills also points out that Cyriak has a new
  animation out. "Introducing Cyriak Animator
  Pro, the new professional video making
  software I built myself out of lego and
  cardboard."
https://b3ta.com/links/No_one_posted_Cyriak_yet

  * GOTH BOOK - Your editor briefly had a job
  commissioning books and he abused his position
  to get a Sisters Of Mercy biography over the
  line. Finally in the shops in one month - pre
  order now.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/18001803...

-------------------------------------------------

: FESSHOLE
  Your confessions fessed up for cheap likes

  Every week we pass around the confession
  bucket and ask for you to vomit your thoughts,
  then we strain for the meatiest chunks and
  stick them on MySpace:

  * AIRPORTS - 'Whenever I've been at an
  international airport over the past 40yrs,
  I've stood at the departure boards, & said
  "New York, London, Paris, Munich, everybody
  talk about Mmm Pop Music." Last week, a
  smartly dressed man replied "Shoobie doobie do
  wop." Mission accomplished.'

  * DAFFODILS - "Dave. It was me who planted the
  daffodils spelling DAVE IS A CUNT outside your
  house. Not sorry. You are a cunt."

  * URNS - "When house-sitting for a mate, I put
  a leash around the urn containing his dog's
  ashes and took it for a 'walk' round his
  garden. After I sent him the photos, it turned
  out I'd picked the wrong urn of the mantle
  piece and taken his grandad for a stroll
  instead. Sorry, Ken."

  Join the 176,000 people who should have their
  ZX Microdrives inspected by the Sweeney. 
https://twitter.com/fesshole

  BTW: This was also the week Fesshole got a
  quote tweet from James 'Your Beautiful' Blunt
  and we're sorry about linking to his nipples:
https://twitter.com/JamesBlunt/status/143752226571...

-------------------------------------------------

: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
  Big jumpers

  Hebtro have decided that keeping your legs
  warm with jeans isn't enough and they've
  decided to tackle your top too with some large
  pullovers. 100% Yorkshire wool from Yorkshire
  sheep and knitted in Nottingham, just like
  your slightly odd friend of your mum used to
  make.
https://hebtro.co/product-category/jumpers/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Content made by people we don't talk to

  * FOOTBALL STICKERS - A complete set of Panini
  football sticker albums from 1978 to 1983,
  ideal for fans of football stats and/or bad
  haircuts. A good data source should anyone
  fancy making a 'This 80s Footballer Does Not
  Exist' site. 
https://fanpictures.ru/magazines/panini/eng.html

  * AI GENERATED TECH QUESTIONS - A nicely
  designed bit of neural network nonsense. This
  time writing fake Stack Overflow questions. 
  More legible than many actual questions that
  get asked.  Would be interesting to post them
  on SO and see how many people attempt to
  answer.
https://stackroboflow.com

  * NORM MCDONALD JOKES - A site that now serves
  as a tribute to Norm Macdonald, though having
  your jokes stolen and displayed out-of-context
  via Math.random() probably isn't what any
  comedian would want when alive. Sample: "Let's
  be honest, most people you see going skinny
  dipping are actually just going dipping."
https://normjokes.com

  * HOW TO REMOVE DOTS FROM PRINTED PHOTOS -
  Very-nerdy-but-interesting thing about drawing
  in the frequency domain to remove noise.
  Contains surprising wisdom like: "I’ve always
  had this theory that any long-term project
  requires two ingredients: things you’re good
  at, and things you want to learn. The first
  group gives you a feeling of accomplishment
  and mastery. The other one? It keeps things
  interesting."
https://www.getrevue.co/profile/shift-happens/issu...

  * OBVIOUSLY B3TA TOWERS IS SHOOK BY THE NEWS
  OF SIR CLIVE'S DEATH - but linking to Hey Hey
  16k again might be self-serving, so instead
  the whole Micro Men show is on YouTube, and
  definitely worth a watch if you haven't seen
  it. Maybe there will be more Uncle Clive
  content next week if something we're planning
  actually pans out.
https://www.youtube.com/watch

  * RICK ASTLEY DOES MORRISSEY - enjoyed how
  Astley has boiled the piss out of a load of
  old Smiths fans with his recent shows,
  including annoying Johnny Marr. But we think
  Rick is sincere in his love, and has been
  sporting a quiff and a baritone since he first
  appeared on the scene. Hiding in plain sight -
  he was always a fan.
https://b3ta.com/links/Like_The_Smiths_but_with_an...

-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME(S)
  Two games for the price of a free lunch

  * QUAKE IN 13k - in less memory than it takes
  to program a Jet Pack comes a surprisingly
  playable first person shooter. Part of the
  annual 13k javascript compo - hack the URL to
  play loads more games. We also enjoyed
  'Tenacity'. 
https://js13kgames.com/games/q1k3/index.html

  * OMG IT'S FULL OF STARS - A whole universe
  built in javascript. The gameplay is Where's
  Wally for stoners, basically, but where Wally
  has been replaced by a supermassive black
  hole.  
https://across-multiverse.com

-------------------------------------------------

How do you know when your goose eggs have gone
off? They start honking.

The confusingly named 'The Porcupine From
Purgatory' is sorry they've written a joke, are
you sorry you've written one? Do tell us.
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Abba

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * BUS JOKE - from Happy Toast
https://b3ta.com/board/11350396

  * BJORN JOKE - from Ninj
https://b3ta.com/board/11350502

  * WELSH JOKE - from Octo
https://b3ta.com/board/11350501

  * See all the other images from the 'Abba' challenge:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/abba/popular/

  >> This week: make TV more British <<
  Comply with government regulations by making
  all TV and film more British.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/tvorfilmmoreBritish/popu...

-------------------------------------------------

: NEW MUSIC FOR OLD PEOPLE
  Refresh your tastes 

  We were thinking about how we haven't listened
  to much new music recently so we decided to
  crowdsource some with the rule "Recommend a
  song that you like that was made in the last
  three years, and not by an older artist whose
  big years were in the last millennium." We've
  put 20 in a playlist so you can listen and see
  if anything stands out that you want to
  investigate further. It’s limited to 20 as
  being exhaustive is, well, exhausting.
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7fZURL7q6AFx2ese...

-------------------------------------------------

: LETTERS TO UNCLE B3TA
  What's in the inbox of bollocks this week?

  * FAN MAIL - Trinaisartsy writes, "Hi B3ta, I
  just wanted to say that I have been reading
  these newsletters since I was 12 years old
  (I’m 30 now) and I have always loved the
  content that you curate. You guys have great
  taste. Thank you for doing this over the
  years." Well Trina, we've been going 20 years
  and you missed the best two.

  * UNFAN MAIL - Stehayward writes, "I think I
  found the B3ta members badge" Ah Goatse our
  old buddy, we remember you well.
https://eu.rebelger.com/collections/rings/products...

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Some ideas to kick you off

  * NEW WAYS TO APPEASE BREXITEERS -  	If the
  government wants other ideas to appease people
  who are now mostly dead - revert the counties
  back to whatever they were before the early
  70s so that our now dead forefathers can still
  use the address "Staffordshire" instead of
  "West Midlands".

  * WHAT'S THAT WEIRD SMELL? Would make a good
  investigative documentary series that would
  probably run for 40 years.

  * TAKE THE BATTERSEA POWER STATION STATION
  CHALLENGE - it's the only tube station with
  'station' in the name but how far can you get
  from it only using the tube whilst listening
  to Pink Floyd's Animals.

  Stick your dicks in the blender here: 
https://b3ta.com/mailus

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people. Almost romantically.

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
  Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
  McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
  Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
  Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
  Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
  Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
  Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
  James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
  Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
  Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
  Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
  Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
  Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
  Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
  Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
  Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
  bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
  Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
  wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
  Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
  Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
  Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
  Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
  Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
  Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
  Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
  Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
  Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
  Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
  Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
  Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
  Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
  Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
  Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
  Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
  McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
  Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
  Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
  Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
  Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
  Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
  Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
  Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
  Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
  Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
  peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
  Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
  Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
  Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
  John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
  Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
  Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
  Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
  olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
  M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
  Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
  Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
  Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
  Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
  Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
  Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
  Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
  McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
  Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
  Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
  Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
  additional links; HappyToast for image
  challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra
  support. Proofing by Kat E. Thanks Kat.

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
  Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
  Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
  Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
  Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
  Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
  Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
  Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
  special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
  NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
  Jobling & Daniel Calvin. And bonus new love to
  Douglas Pennant, Roy Santos & Will Thompson.
  We love you. OH GOD, and more bonus love to
  Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil McGuire & Paul
  Blanchard - you sexy people. And Mike Powell
  and Damion Brown. Love you.

 And do please donate as you get occasional
 "bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

: TOP TIP
  Let everyone know you're a racist by starting
  a sentence "I'm not a racist, but..."
https://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

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