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NEWSLETTER: "SORRY YOU WERE OUT - YODEL HAS LEFT YOUR NEWSLETTER IN THE SPAM FOLDER"

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This Week:
* KUNT - Announces bid for Xmas No 1
* RNLI - charity Xmas card designed by Dr Dunno
* FESSHOLE - Breaks 200k followers. You can stop now
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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're flushing the web
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  down the bog & hoping 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| that'll help... together"

B3ta email 797 - 26 Nov 2021

Read this issue to your dog's balls: 
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue797

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
  Other than making the authorities suspicious 

  * KUNT AND THE GANG CHRISTMAS NO 1 BID -
  'Boris Johnson Is Still A F***ing C*nt' by The
  Kunts will be released on all platforms on
  17th December. 
http://borisjohnson.info/

 * REFUGEE CHRISTMAS CARD - Chris Barker AKA Dr
 Dunno has designed a Christmas card with
 profits going to RNLI.
https://www.redbubble.com/i/greeting-card/Season-o...

  * 1k CHESS INTRODUCES 'TWITCH STREAMING' MODE
  - Matt Round writes, "I've added a Twitch
  stream mode in case anyone fancies challenging
  their viewers, there's a link at the bottom
  that adds grid labels & a 1 minute timer." And
  if you don't fancy streaming this on Twitch,
  you could always just play and shout your
  progress over a CB radio.
https://vole.wtf/kilobytes-gambit/

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: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
  Buy your dude clothes this Christmas

  You probably know some men who need presents,
  be they partners, fathers or offspring, they
  are men and men need either cheese, booze or
  clothes every Christmas else they get sad and
  wilt. You don't want a wilting man in your
  life - give them the gift of sturdy jeans,
  British made from Hebtro dot co. 
https://hebtro.co/about/

-------------------------------------------------

: FESSHOLE
  Your confessions fessed up for cheap lols

  Each week we ask you shout your fibs into a
  bin and then we pick out the grottiest shit to
  share on MySpace:

  * DADS UNITE - "I am the ultimate dad with the
  central heating: 19° max for 1 hour in the
  morning and 3 in the evening - except on my
  midweek day off when the family are all out.
  Then it's 23° all day."

  * CLASS WAR - "Group assignment during 3rd
  year of uni. Got lumped with a lazy posh twat
  who offered to pay the group members £100 each
  to do his work because he 'just needed to
  pass'. So naturally we took the money and
  omitted his name from the final project, he
  had to resit the year."

  * PRIDE - "Someone I follow on Twitter bangs
  on about her only son, what a good kid he is
  and how he cried at the recent vigils in
  London. She posted a picture of him the other
  day. He's my coke dealer. I nearly shit myself
  laughing."

  Join the 204,000 people who should have their
  floppy disks inspected by The Sweeney:
https://twitter.com/fesshole

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Content made by others and not Bono from U2

  * THE SECRET LIFE OF MATT HANCOCK - for those
  who miss the Hancock app - his video diary
  really delivers. 
https://twitter.com/mralistairgreen/status/1461620...

  * PET RABBIT OR CHOC DISPENSER - just a simple
  but joyous lol that'll make your heart a
  little less heavy in these troubled times. No?
  You don't like our new style. Fuck you.
https://b3ta.com/links/Pet_or_novelty_chocolate_ra...

  * FACEBOOK TRAFFIC SHITE - Interesting article
  on the 'most viral page on Facebook' basically
  a pile of shite that got a shit tonne of
  traffic sent to it for no good reason other
  than Facebook either decided to or because
  their algorithms are shite.
https://www.garbageday.email/p/when-the-traffic-fi...

  * ARE WE CONSTANTLY PANICKING? An archive of
  news clippings about moral panics in history. 
  Suggests that youth culture has given nothing
  particularly new to worry about since the jazz
  panic of the 1920s. Suppose the point of this
  is to go "stop worrying" which is good advice
  because societal bad shit is going to happen
  with or without you worrying about.
https://pessimistsarchive.org

  * SHIT TECH BINGO - Keep a log of which big
  tech companies have fucked up this month in
  the form of this bingo card.  November seems
  to have produced an awful lot of winning
  cards.  Hopefully one day all the squares will
  be permanently green, starting with Facebook.
https://outage.bingo

  * VERY SIMPLE GAMES COST BILLIONS - Google
  spent millions on a load of html5 games just
  so they could see if people in countries with
  low spec devices/connections want to play
  little web games. Entertaining enough if
  you're 6. Or had a knock to the head.
https://gamesnacks.com/embed/

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: WE LIKE THE AMAZON FIRE STICK
  Costs fuck all, and does fucking loads

  Pretty impressed with the Amazon Firestick, it
  supports the obvious stuff: Disney+, iPlayer,
  Netflix & Prime but the sneaky feature that's
  really good is that it's reduced our need for
  remotes from three down to one, as it also
  turns the TV on and off and controls the
  volume on the soundbar. Oh and searching using
  voice is loads easier than typing with an
  onscreen keyboard. Yes this is an affiliate
  link so we'll get like 50p or something if you
  buy one, but it is honestly the best £19.99
  we've spent in ages.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B08C1RR8J... 

-------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAMES
  Can you estimate a minute?

  Bit of a dull implementation but seems fairly
  popular at the moment - we'd like to see a
  fancier version that showed you in pseudo
  real-time the guesses. To make it a bit more
  like how we played this game as a child in a
  scout hut. That sounds wrong doesn't it?
https://jinay.dev/just-a-minute/
  
------------------------------------------------
What is French electronic musician Jean-Michel Jarre's
favourite time of the day?
MIDI!

Thanks monkeon.
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Animals treating humans like animals

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * Ninj imagines the best bit of going for walk
  in the park
https://b3ta.com/board/11355164
  
  * Chumps inverts the relationship between
  mouse and cleaner
https://b3ta.com/board/11355146

  * CaptainMaak writes postcards from spiders.
  More postcards from spiders please.
https://b3ta.com/board/11355462

  * See all the other images from the 'Animals
  treating humans like animals' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/animalshumananimals/popu...

  >> This week: Monster Pun Amnesty <<
  Get all your Gorn puns out of your system,
  alongside any for Godzilla, Mothra or the
  Blob. It's monster pun week.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/animalshumananimals/popu...

-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
  Ideas to spark you off

  * READERS.WAVS - not sure if this would be
  audio recordings of people getting jiggy or
  something else. But thanks to Matt Muir for
  asking us to suggest this.

  * A NICE TIGHT 90 MIN EDIT OF GET BACK -
  surely someone can edit down the 8 hours to
  something a bit more manageable for a casual
  viewer?

  * BINSTAGRAM - a social network for working
  out "when is bins?"

  Send your death threats to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS We love all these people.
Almost romantically.

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
  Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
  McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
  Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
  Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
  Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
  Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
  Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
  James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
  Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
  Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
  Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
  Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
  Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
  Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
  Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
  Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
  bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
  Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
  wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
  Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
  Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
  Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
  Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
  Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
  Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
  Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
  Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
  Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
  Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
  Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
  Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
  Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
  Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
  Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
  Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
  McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
  Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
  Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
  Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
  Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
  Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
  Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
  Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
  Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
  Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
  peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
  Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
  Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
  Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
  John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
  Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
  Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
  Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
  olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
  M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
  Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
  Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
  Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
  Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
  Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
  Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
  Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
  McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
  Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
  Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
  Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
  additional links; HappyToast for image
  challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra
  support. Proofing by Kat E. Thanks Kat.

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
  Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
  Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
  Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
  Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
  Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
  Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
  Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
  special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
  NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
  Jobling & Daniel Calvin. And bonus new love to
  Douglas Pennant, Roy Santos & Will Thompson.
  We love you. OH GOD, and more bonus love to
  Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil McGuire & Paul
  Blanchard - you sexy people. And Mike Powell
  and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and PJ. Ooooh
  and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
  Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
  the super generous Paul Topping.

 And do please donate as you get occasional
 "bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

: TOP TIP
  Don't wear gloves indoors when picking up your
  dole. You won't feel the benefit. (Peej)
https://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

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