NEWSLETTER: "B3TA ISSUE 813: WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
This Week:
* PODCAST - Rule Of Three, unofficial sequel
* FESSHOLE SHOW - This Saturday, oh God
* STEVE JOBS NECROMANCY - his spirit made flesh
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shitting up
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the internet
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... again"
B3ta email 813 - 08 Apr 2022
Read this issue on stage and charge £10:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue813
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: UPSHOT SPONSORSHIP
"The funniest thing in my inbox"
If you like sport, you'll love the Upshot - a
weekly newsletter dishing out gossip,
controversy and tasteless jokes from the world
of British sport.
Sign up for free and get a three minute mood
enhancer every Friday.
https://upshot.email/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making piss stains in the bed again
* 'COMFORT BLANKET' PODCAST LAUNCH - Rule of
Three was our favourite comedy podcast and now
that it's gone we're pleased that co-creator
Joel Morris is back with something similar,
taking the same analytical approach but applying
it to ALL media. Joel writes:
I realised my favourite podcasts I'd ever been
on or made were ones when people chose
something, maybe something really broad and
obvious that even embarrassed them a bit with
how big and basic it was, but threw their arms
up and said "aw, it's just great, isn't it?' and
then talked about why. Maybe the thing they
loved would be something a lot of people didn't
think was cool, or clever, but to the person who
loved it the thing didn't need defending, or
justifying, because it was self-evidently
wonderful. In their eyes. That's my favourite
sound. Someone overcome with their love for a
THING. It's better than snarking. The world has
more than enough snark.
Enthusiasm, and then saying, for an hour,
exactly why. Yeah. Analysis. I do like 'cutting
up frogs', as the saying has it. It's not a bad
thing to me. Dissect the things you love. You
might find out how frogs work. And then you can
use that knowledge to build robot frogs. A robot
frog army. That's the ultimate aim.
https://pod.link/1614879928
* BEATLES PRINTS - Our resident arty friend Dr
Dunno AKA Chris Barker has finally got a website
for his fucking prints. He has a new James Bond
print up for sale if you like that sort of
thing. We're still trying to get him to draw our
idea for a print: The Beatles wearing socks on
their dicks on Abbey Road.
https://chrisbarkerprints.co.uk/
* THE INVI-SIMPSONS TWITTER ACCOUNT -
Anthonyb3ta70100 writes, "I did this Twitter. It
contains a lot of images with invisible The
Simpsons characters." Honestly we can't really
make head or tail of this, but if you want to
look at photos where the Simpsons are
"invisible" then you're in luck, because this
dude is doing it.
https://twitter.com/theinvisimpsons
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses fessed up like cat sick
Each week you shit your lies into a Google form
and we pick out a few that might get a
"favourite" on Twitter:
* CUNNING - "When our baby was 5 months old I
made a deal with my husband. He could do the
11pm feed and the 7am feed and I would do the
2am feed. There was never a 2am feed."
* RELATABLE - "When I was little I made a wish
to be a Labrador puppy. After noticing blonde
hairs on my arms I thought it was coming true
and cried myself to sleep for several nights
thinking about how cross my mum and dad would
be."
* YEP, SOUNDS LIKE US - "Sometimes I don't take
my phone to the toilet, and for old time's sake
read the ingredients on bleach or toothpaste
instead."
Join the 458,000 people who would be almost
enough to beat up everyone in Wolverhampton,
twice.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
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: FESSHOLE LIVE SHOW ON SAT
This Sat, Soho, that London
The first Fesshole show is going to be a bit of
a B3ta fest, as on stage there's at least three
b3tans including your editor, and in the
audience well, there's also at least two other
b3tans who are closely connected with the very
heart of this website. So maybe it's
accidentally a B3ta show - who knows - but
hopefully we won't totally fuck it all up.
Sold out but a couple of tickets available
because a couple of people have called in sick
and returned tickets. So check quickly.
https://www.tickettext.co.uk/bihGv6MRcr
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
British-made clothes for men
Thank you to Hebtro for continuing to sponsor us
despite all our output being embarrassing Dad
dancing these days. Go please buy some jeans and
shirts to say thank you.
https://hebtro.co/shop/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Content to get your modem running
* COLLECTIVE PIXEL ART - Reddit have done their
communal pixel art canvas The Place again, and
this is a guide as to what all the
annoying-looking cultural reference points
you've never heard of actually mean. We're sure
the Nico Rosberg is supposed to be Gordon
Ramsay, though. TRUE FACT: This project was
originally coded by the guy who went on to make
Wordle. This is his internet, we just live in
it.
https://place-atlas.stefanocoding.me
* STEVE JOBS NECROMANCY - This browser-based
Apple Mac emulator is a lot of fun, largely
because you can boot up MacPaint AND play a load
of ancient games.
https://macos8.app
* BAFFLING GAME THAT'S ALSO SOOTHING - We've
settled into a groove with streaming TV,
basically we switch services every few months if
people are shouting about an interesting new
show. So now we're on Apple TV and watching the
very great Severance, and also enjoying having a
go at the weird, mysterious 'work':
https://lumon-industries.com
* CATALOGUING MUSIC IS HARDER THAN YOU THINK -
List of fascinating edge cases that have to be
dealt with when sticking pop music into a
database. From the Love Symbol from Prince, to
GZR, also known as g//z/r on their first album,
geezer on their second, and GZR on their third.
Gadzooks! No, really, come back, this stuff is
great.
https://dustri.org/b/horrible-edge-cases-to-consid...
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: FRIDAY GAME
Ukrainian bomb shelter simulator
This person has tried to recreate their
experience of being in a Ukrainian bomb shelter
via the medium of Bitsy. More about the art
than the gameplay, though it is still
technically 'winnable'.
https://dahuanna.itch.io/whats-up-in-a-kharkiv-bom...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Their other books
Here's the best images from last week:
* MONKEON is making Richard Dawkins shake with
fear from his satire guns
http://b3ta.com/board/11363450
* BALLYMORAN is making jokes that might get
everyone cancelled
http://b3ta.com/board/11363576
* ANDY_R is having a pop at Isaac Asimov
http://b3ta.com/board/11363273
* See all the other images from the 'Their other
books' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/theirotherbooks/popular
>> This week: B3ta NFTs <<
This week we're asking you to satirise NFTs, but
to be honest, that's completely impossible and
it's not going great to be honest. Sorry.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/b3tanft/popular
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: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
Free ideas to kick you off
* AMAZON FONT - Matt Round suggests that you
create a font that automatically blacks out the
words Amazon has banned (union, pay rise,
workers' rights etc) from their internal chat,
and have the font work in a similar way to his
Scunthorpe Sans.
* KUBRICK BOT - it would be piss easy to write a
bit of code that ripped random screens from
Kubrick movies and post them out - we would do
it ourselves but our hands have gone numb.
* OK IT'S THE THIRD ONE WHICH WE ALWAYS STRUGGLE
TO WRITE - can we get an idea out of an old pop
song? Let's try. Right, some sort of code that
geolocates Annie Lennox via her tweets, checks
the weather forecast and then replies to her, if
and only if, it's accurate to tweet "Here Comes
The Rain Again"
Insert your content penis into our mailbox anus
- it's ok, we HAVE consented.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY!
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
Cumquat May wishes to apologies for this:
What do you call quiet elves?
Shelves
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/
