NEWSLETTER: "HELP GET 'PRINCE ANDREW IS A SWEATY N****' INTO THE CHARTS FOR THE ROYAL JUBILEE"
This Week:
* KUNT RELEASES SONG - with official B3ta remix
* EMF CAMP - your editor is doing a talk
* AND OF COURSE - the best of Fesshole
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're bringing down the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Monarchy to celebrate the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Jubilee ... together"
B3ta e-email 819 - 27th May 2022
Scream this issue to the Queen, over the gates:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue819
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making sex wee for the toilet
* GET 'PRINCE ANDREW IS A SWEATY NONCE TO CHART'
- Your editor writes, "My showbiz pal Kunt of
Kunt And The Gang is trying to get into the
charts with his song "Prince Andrew Is A Sweaty
N****" and the idea is for it to chart in the
Jubilee week for maximum royal embarrassment.
Being a great showbiz mate I've done a remix,
well when I say remix, I've taken a single word,
and then built my own track because I didn't
really see the point of simply switching around
instruments and leaving the top line the same -
I want to offer value for money. My version is
the Rob Manuel 'Bive Junny' Acid House Megamix
which pays tribute to The Shamen, Paul
Hardcastle, Steve 'Silk' Hurley, S Express,
M/A/R/S/S and the KLF. And all in 80 seconds. Do
make sure you download, buy and stream it so
that the Monarchy topples."
https://princeandrew.info/
* PLAY A WORD GAME THAT'S NOT WORDLE - Andrew-t
writes, "I made one of them daily word games.
But it isn't just Wordle with a new hat, it's
more like (in a friend's words) 'a wordsearch
but it hates you'. Has a learning curve on it
but it's pretty forgiving and gets easier after
a couple of goes. Launched a couple of weeks
back so there are some old puzzles up you can
play but there's still time to get a good streak
going before everyone else finds it." Honestly
we found this a bit baffling but fuck it, you
might like it.
https://www.andrewt.net/puzzles/cell-tower/
* B3TAN LAUNCHES COMIC - Old B3tonian Richard
Tingley has launched a comic in newsletter form
and would like you to subscribe. It's called
"Gonk" and clearly is making a stylistic nod
towards the much loved and missed Oink comic.
https://gonkcomics.com/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some lovely lovely lovely jeans
Are you suffering from nude-leg syndrome? Do you
want to cover up your shame? Well, help is at
hand with Hebtro who make leg covering devices
called "jeans" and they're all made in the UK,
but not in a Brexity way, plus they're designed
to last a long time, so they're a better
investment than NFTs.
https://hebtro.co/shop/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses fessed up for cheap likes
Each week you shit in a bin and we fish out the
meatiest nugs and offer them up asking "does
this smell bad to you?"
* YOU'RE FIRED! "I'm a PT. Took on a very large
client who was very nervous about sitting on her
new exercise ball. I reassured her "you'd have
to be the size of an elephant to pop it, don't
worry!" She confidently sat down, but the moment
her arse sunk into the ball it exploded.
Mortifying."
* ARE YOU "HARRIOTING" YET? * "My sister, she
always sends me photos of her kids and asks me
to Photoshop other people out. I've been doing
this for a while but I add Ainsley Harriot's
face into the bushes or trees and she hasn't
noticed yet despite printing them."
* A GOOD TIP - "My job is quite niche and my
employer didn't increase my pay for around 2
years. So I paid for adverts on job websites for
my exact role advertising 1.5x my salary and
sent the links to my boss. Got me my desired
raise plus some extra."
Join the 515,000 people who have been tricked
into liking this rubbish:
http://twitter.com/fesshole
Pre-order the Fesshole book so that we can
afford to pay our heating bill. Thanks.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/18041903...
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: DO MAKE SURE YOU COME TO EMF CAMP
It's Glastonbury for tech makers
Your editor is doing bot talk at this, he's the
last on, on Sat night, which we assume means
he's the headliner like Paul McCartney or
Beyonce. Loads of other interesting talks too,
including the one we're quietly jonesing for
"Why YOU should write a Gameboy Emulator", which
is simply a fantastically named talk.
https://emfcamp.org/schedule/2022
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Links that are too hot for your Mosaic browser
* CUTTY GAME - Can you cut the items into the
exact sizes requested? Presumably the game is a
front and if you get a perfect score, you'll be
headhunted by a posh firm of caterers to serve
the cakes.
https://percentchallenge.com/game.html
* WIKIPEDIA HAIKUS - This bot tweets accidental
haikus it has discovered on Wikipedia. It
doesn't tell you which article it found them on,
so you can always use it as a quiz, albeit an
impossible quiz with answers that you've never
heard of, such as The Sot-Weed Factor and Arthur
Burnett Benton.
https://botsin.space/@wikipediahaiku
* TERRIBLE MINESWEEPER VARIATION - At the end of
the day, how well you do on Minesweeper is
pretty much down to pure luck. However, this
variant lets you play it against the computer so
there's no longer any luck involved, just
crushing inevitability. Like life.
https://glaielgames.com/adversarialminesweeper/
* A COLLECTION OF DOCTOR WHO HEADLINES - you
know the type of thing, let's go to Google news
to search for one: "Doctor who sexually abused
47 women over three decades jailed for 12
years". Probably would work as an account, or a
Tumblr if this was still ten years ago.
https://mobile.twitter.com/pussellrarker/status/15...
* THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE - This site claims
to have randomised the alphabet in so many forms
that you can find any text you can think of
within it. We're not totally sure that they
have, as it would be trivial to fake, however
either way, it's an interesting thing to think
about. The Bible code for developers.
https://libraryofbabel.info
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Musicians in art
Here's the best images from last week:
* We enjoyed spotting the Quo in Dirk
Spreedrift's riff on Lowry:
https://b3ta.com/board/11367120
* DR Dunno gave us the Spice Girls cuddling up
with Pablo
https://b3ta.com/board/11367005
* Q4Nobdy combined Banksy and Freddie Mercury in
a way which, if Banksy actually did this, it
would be the most popular thing he ever did
https://b3ta.com/board/11367416
* See all the other images from the 'Musicians
in art' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/musiciansart/popular
>> This week: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy <<
It's Towel day next Wednesday so let's give
Hitchhikers the b3ta treatment.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/hhgttg/popular
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: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
Some ideas to kick you off
* SUPERCUT OF THE CAST OF STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE
SAYING 'DATABASE' - coz holy shit they say it a
lot. Link goes to code to help you build
supercuts.
https://lav.io/notes/videogrep-tutorial/
* NEWS ACCOUNT ZERO RUNS - We just spotted four
tweets in the row from BuzzFeed(uk) with zero
favs, RTs or replies. Could build a very mean
bot that monitored news accounts for these zero
runs - who is truly losing the social race that
they're given up on?
* MR STINKY GENERATOR - why not make an office
bullying nickname generator?
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/15251199329079...
Stick your project penis into our inbox anus.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
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Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
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H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
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Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
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Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
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Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
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Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
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Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
It's Cumquat May's turn to apologise
How does Fonzi travel around Britain?
On A-roads
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/
