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NEWSLETTER: "HELP GET 'PRINCE ANDREW IS A SWEATY N****' INTO THE CHARTS FOR THE ROYAL JUBILEE"

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This Week:
* KUNT RELEASES SONG - with official B3ta remix
* EMF CAMP - your editor is doing a talk
* AND OF COURSE - the best of Fesshole
-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're bringing down the
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Monarchy to celebrate the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  Jubilee ... together"

B3ta e-email 819 - 27th May 2022

Scream this issue to the Queen, over the gates:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue819

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
  Other than making sex wee for the toilet

  * GET 'PRINCE ANDREW IS A SWEATY NONCE TO CHART'
  - Your editor writes, "My showbiz pal Kunt of
  Kunt And The Gang is trying to get into the
  charts with his song "Prince Andrew Is A Sweaty
  N****" and the idea is for it to chart in the
  Jubilee week for maximum royal embarrassment.
  Being a great showbiz mate I've done a remix,
  well when I say remix, I've taken a single word,
  and then built my own track because I didn't
  really see the point of simply switching around
  instruments and leaving the top line the same -
  I want to offer value for money. My version is
  the Rob Manuel 'Bive Junny' Acid House Megamix
  which pays tribute to The Shamen, Paul
  Hardcastle, Steve 'Silk' Hurley, S Express,
  M/A/R/S/S and the KLF. And all in 80 seconds. Do
  make sure you download, buy and stream it so
  that the Monarchy topples."
https://princeandrew.info/

  * PLAY A WORD GAME THAT'S NOT WORDLE - Andrew-t
  writes, "I made one of them daily word games.
  But it isn't just Wordle with a new hat, it's
  more like (in a friend's words) 'a wordsearch
  but it hates you'. Has a learning curve on it
  but it's pretty forgiving and gets easier after
  a couple of goes. Launched a couple of weeks
  back so there are some old puzzles up you can
  play but there's still time to get a good streak
  going before everyone else finds it." Honestly
  we found this a bit baffling but fuck it, you
  might like it.
https://www.andrewt.net/puzzles/cell-tower/

  * B3TAN LAUNCHES COMIC - Old B3tonian Richard
  Tingley has launched a comic in newsletter form
  and would like you to subscribe. It's called
  "Gonk" and clearly is making a stylistic nod
  towards the much loved and missed Oink comic. 
https://gonkcomics.com/

-------------------------------------------------

: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
  Buy some lovely lovely lovely jeans

  Are you suffering from nude-leg syndrome? Do you
  want to cover up your shame? Well, help is at
  hand with Hebtro who make leg covering devices
  called "jeans" and they're all made in the UK,
  but not in a Brexity way, plus they're designed
  to last a long time, so they're a better
  investment than NFTs. 
https://hebtro.co/shop/

-------------------------------------------------

: FESSHOLE 
  Your fesses fessed up for cheap likes

  Each week you shit in a bin and we fish out the
  meatiest nugs and offer them up asking "does
  this smell bad to you?"

  * YOU'RE FIRED! "I'm a PT. Took on a very large
  client who was very nervous about sitting on her
  new exercise ball. I reassured her "you'd have
  to be the size of an elephant to pop it, don't
  worry!" She confidently sat down, but the moment
  her arse sunk into the ball it exploded.
  Mortifying."

  * ARE YOU "HARRIOTING" YET? * "My sister, she
  always sends me photos of her kids and asks me
  to Photoshop other people out. I've been doing
  this for a while but I add Ainsley Harriot's
  face into the bushes or trees and she hasn't
  noticed yet despite printing them."

  * A GOOD TIP - "My job is quite niche and my
  employer didn't increase my pay for around 2
  years. So I paid for adverts on job websites for
  my exact role advertising 1.5x my salary and
  sent the links to my boss. Got me my desired
  raise plus some extra."

  Join the 515,000 people who have been tricked
  into liking this rubbish:
  http://twitter.com/fesshole

  Pre-order the Fesshole book so that we can
  afford to pay our heating bill. Thanks.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/18041903...

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: DO MAKE SURE YOU COME TO EMF CAMP
  It's Glastonbury for tech makers

  Your editor is doing bot talk at this, he's the
  last on, on Sat night, which we assume means
  he's the headliner like Paul McCartney or
  Beyonce. Loads of other interesting talks too,
  including the one we're quietly jonesing for
  "Why YOU should write a Gameboy Emulator", which
  is simply a fantastically named talk.
https://emfcamp.org/schedule/2022

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Links that are too hot for your Mosaic browser

  * CUTTY GAME - Can you cut the items into the
  exact sizes requested?  Presumably the game is a
  front and if you get a perfect score, you'll be
  headhunted by a posh firm of caterers to serve
  the cakes.
https://percentchallenge.com/game.html

  * WIKIPEDIA HAIKUS - This bot tweets accidental
  haikus it has discovered on Wikipedia.  It
  doesn't tell you which article it found them on,
  so you can always use it as a quiz, albeit an
  impossible quiz with answers that you've never
  heard of, such as The Sot-Weed Factor and Arthur
  Burnett Benton.
https://botsin.space/@wikipediahaiku

  * TERRIBLE MINESWEEPER VARIATION - At the end of
  the day, how well you do on Minesweeper is
  pretty much down to pure luck. However, this
  variant lets you play it against the computer so
  there's no longer any luck involved, just
  crushing inevitability. Like life.
https://glaielgames.com/adversarialminesweeper/

  * A COLLECTION OF DOCTOR WHO HEADLINES - you
  know the type of thing, let's go to Google news
  to search for one: "Doctor who sexually abused
  47 women over three decades jailed for 12
  years". Probably would work as an account, or a
  Tumblr if this was still ten years ago.
https://mobile.twitter.com/pussellrarker/status/15...

  * THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE - This site claims
  to have randomised the alphabet in so many forms
  that you can find any text you can think of
  within it. We're not totally sure that they
  have, as it would be trivial to fake, however
  either way, it's an interesting thing to think
  about. The Bible code for developers.
https://libraryofbabel.info

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Musicians in art

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * We enjoyed spotting the Quo in Dirk
  Spreedrift's riff on Lowry:
https://b3ta.com/board/11367120

  * DR Dunno gave us the Spice Girls cuddling up
  with Pablo
https://b3ta.com/board/11367005

  * Q4Nobdy combined Banksy and Freddie Mercury in
  a way which, if Banksy actually did this, it
  would be the most popular thing he ever did
https://b3ta.com/board/11367416

  * See all the other images from the 'Musicians
  in art' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/musiciansart/popular

  >> This week: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy <<
  It's Towel day next Wednesday so let's give
  Hitchhikers the b3ta treatment.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/hhgttg/popular

-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
  Some ideas to kick you off

  * SUPERCUT OF THE CAST OF STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE
  SAYING 'DATABASE' - coz holy shit they say it a
  lot. Link goes to code to help you build
  supercuts.
https://lav.io/notes/videogrep-tutorial/

  * NEWS ACCOUNT ZERO RUNS - We just spotted four
  tweets in the row from BuzzFeed(uk) with zero
  favs, RTs or replies. Could build a very mean
  bot that monitored news accounts for these zero
  runs - who is truly losing the social race that
  they're given up on?

  * MR STINKY GENERATOR - why not make an office
  bullying nickname generator?
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/15251199329079...

  Stick your project penis into our inbox anus.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people. Almost romantically.

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
  Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
  Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
  Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
  Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
  Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
  Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
  H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
  Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
  Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
  Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
  Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
  Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
  Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
  Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
  Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
  mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
  OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
  Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
  Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
  pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
  Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
  RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
  sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
  McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
  Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
  Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
  Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
  Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
  Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
  Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
  Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
  Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
  James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
  Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
  Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
  Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
  Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
  Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
  Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
  Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
  Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
  Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
  STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
  Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
  Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
  Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
  Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
  Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
  Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
  Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
  FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
  Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
  Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
  madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
  Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
  Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
  Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
  Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
  Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
  Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
  Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
  additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
  help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
  by Kat E. Thanks Kat.

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
  Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
  Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
  Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
  Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
  Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
  Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
  Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
  love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
  - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
  Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
  Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
  and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
  McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
  Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
  PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
  Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
  the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
  to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
  appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
  Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
  Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
  Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
  YOU.

  And do please donate as you get occasional
  "bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
  It's Cumquat May's turn to apologise

  How does Fonzi travel around Britain?
  On A-roads
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/

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