Have a lightly roasted pea
Probably my most memorable event at school happened during a swimming lesson. Our secondary school (now alas none existent)was lucky enough to have its own onsite swimming pool allowing for regular and much enjoyed swimming lessons. These were the days before my phenominal pie intake when i could still go to the pool without Greenpeace turning up to transport me back to the open oceans.

Now we had one lad in our class who shall be known as JN to protect the guilty. JN was, at that point, on the periphery of the cool kids without being completely accepted. He bought the usual sports wear and expensive trainers and claimed to be able to break dance in an attempt to fit in but never quite made it. His doom was to be sealed one swimming lesson after dinner.

We had been herded into the changing rooms ignoring the pervading smell of old unwashed football socks and teenage bodies and had begun to change into our speedos. JN had sat very quietly on the slatted bench seats through all the usual larking about. He hadn't even tried to curry favour and participate in Lyndons "prick of the week" contest. He had just got his trolleys off and was about to pull his trunks on when with a panicked look on his face his bowels released and a turd of mammoth proportions squeezed its way out of his colon, passed through the bench and landed on the cold tiles with an audible splat.

There was a brief look of amazement on everyones faces before gales of laughter erupted around the room with cries of "JNS shit himself!" Everyone stampeded out to escape the unholy smell and to alert the teacher.

The odd thing is that throughout it all JN just sat there with a forlorn broken look on his face making no attempt to get his shit splattered body into the toilet or to clean himself up in any way. The caretaker was called ( the look of absolute contempt and disgust on his face as he tried to clear up the mess was a picture on its own)and JN was excused swimming much to the relief of the rest of us who didn't fancy a floating Richard making an appearance in the deep end.

Now aside from no one wanting to go near him again in the changing room that should have been the end of it. However JN proved that lightning could strike in the same place twice. During a particularly long and dull science lesson the class clowns had tried to liven up things (setting light to gas taps anyone?) and this had put the teacher, King Rollo in an understandably sour mood. This wasn't helped when some of the cool people on JN's table had been using the excuse of going to the toilet to suck on some B&H. They had been taking it in turns and kids turning up back from the toilets stinking of fags was the last straw for our good teacher.

When JN (who didn't smoke) put his hand up he banned anyone else from going to the toilet. Again JN made no attempt to move from his seat. He just sat there, changing colour, looking more and more uncomfortable before the inevitable yellow stream running under the desk made his life unbearable again
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 11:35, 1 reply)

This is really well-written and I click it hard

(Porcupine, Fri 19 Jun 2015, 12:14, closed)