my dad doesn't give a fuck what people think and says what he likes
this is mostly great, but sometimes annoying or even embarrassing.

one of his more annoying habits is this: if you call out to him from across the house or even the next room, he refuses to answer. you have to go and find him and talk in a "nice quiet voice". but if he wants you, he can shout from the bottom of the garden, of course. however, on very rare occasions, he would shout for us and offer us a choice of left or right hand, both of which would contain a note of some denomination or other. so it was worth going every time, because sometimes the rewards would be rich.

this particular day, I was in my ensuite bathroom (this is relevant) colouring my hair, and my brother was blowing up something on his snes. dad shouted us from the kitchen, so down we padded. he said, "i am going to show you both something." great, this sounded promising. so promising.

to me, he said, "look out of the window for a moment." to my brother, he said, "look at that." silence. exciting, tantalising silence.

then he reversed it, and told my brother to look out of the window, and told me to look at... my brother. wtf.

finally he said, "right. now, you've both had a good look at a disgusting arse, one of which has broken the toilet seat in the family bathroom. which one of you was it?"

I HAD AN ENSUITE TOILET, YOU TRAUMATISING BUGGER!!! WHICH ONE OF US DID YOU REALLY THINK IT WAS?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 7 Jun 2016, 15:42, 8 replies)

It WAS you though, wasn't it?
You might as well admit it.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Tue 7 Jun 2016, 22:49, closed)

fuck off it was
my suspicions still lie with a family friend with a notoriously enormous arse
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 8 Jun 2016, 8:55, closed)

^Guilty as charged.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 12 Jun 2016, 21:29, closed)

nah
I have a stupidly tiny arse, like a 6 year old boy.

or so your dad said.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Jun 2016, 16:33, closed)

This version of 'The Aristocrats' is fucking rubbish.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 8 Jun 2016, 22:18, closed)