Porn.
Not me (though I must admit I'm not averse to a bit now and again, phwooooar, eh?) but my mate, lets call him, oooh I dunno, Bob. Yes, that'll do. Each and every time he gets drunk (which is a lot) his eyes will narrow, his big tounge will slowly slide out of his chops and he'll slur "Have.... have you got any deeveedees?"

Why he asks me this almost every time I see him is beyond me, as I have never owned a porn DVD in my life. Sure, I had a few old VHS tapes when I was young (yellowish 80's porn, ah nostalgia), but upon acquiring my first PC I typed the famed words "Gail Porter" into a search engine and never looked back, except to check my missus wasn't standing behind me.

My other friend, lets call him, erm... Ralph, knows a man who sells DVDs, among them some filthy pornos. My mate Bob got wind of this and so every so often, he'll save some of his giro and give it to Ralph to buy porn for him..... the only problem being that Ralph told the guy he wanted the worst, most horrible, rubbish old crappy pornos he had to offer, just for a laugh. Having "checked" (his words) a few before giving them over, he says they have included vast hairy german women, ladyboys, and on one occasion, a fetish film about vegetables. He's never received a complaint once.

The thought of it makes me feel quite ill.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Mon 22 Dec 2008, 1:30, 2 replies)

Hmm...
vegetables, you say?
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 22 Dec 2008, 8:46, closed)

Cucumbers, marrows, string beans....
I'd like to think a butternut squash was involved somewhere too.

I've also just noticed I've used the word tounge, which is one spelling mistake which always makes me chuckle.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Mon 22 Dec 2008, 14:07, closed)