Squirrel
When I was 15 I became a vegitarian even though I only ever really ate meat, beans and spuds prior up to that point. I converted on the principle that I loved animals even though the only animal we'd ever had in the family haemoragged on my bean bag when I was 10.

Twas my mothers refusal to have another pet that drove me so I think - get a pet that I could love, cherish and talk to on long country walks or cook me a separate meal every night and deal with double the pans to wash.

Although given the fact that my particular non-veggie tastes led to a diet of quorn burgers and baked beans it was a weak, easy to prepare, although pungent protest.

Thusly I farted my way through the next two years and onto the prospect of learning to drive.

Now, I'm crap with machinery. I have trouble with zips and bra straos FFS. I even have trouble spelling straps when the word bra preceeds it. So I knew I'd be crap at driving as it simply requires too many things at too many times with too many other things I could be looking at.

Not least because I also ran or cycled everywhere that I ever needed to be, like forrest gump growing up in a hamlet, and I'd get a lift of my older mates to everywhere that was desirable to be and with the added bonus I could get pissed. So I never really bothered. Driving was for those with nothing better to do with much better things they'd needed to find.

Dad tried though, and one sunday he coerced me out on the promise that I may get a car..At least it'd be another place to sit and stare thought I.

It was a simple 5 mile curcuit of the country lanes at near where I live. I'd ran them many times and knew them well.

All was well and I was on the 2 mile home stretch when lo! a squirrel ran out in and sat in the road about 150 ft away.

Feck, I was trundling towards it at the ungodly speed of 20mph.

I must avoid it! so I turned the wheel and we start veering into the hedgerow.

What the fuck are you doing? says dad grasping the wheel to the opposite direction of mine.

Squirrel! says I turning harder and this began a father and son battle akin to the uncut scenes in return of the jedi.

You're going to fucking kill us! says dad pushing more fervently

Squirrel!

Sod the bloody squirrel - LET GO!

Squirrel! Dad! No!

Fuck the bloo *bump* dy squirrel

Dad! NOOO!

It had lasted a good half an hour.

I looked in the mirror as I swerved the next 200 metres engaged in this battle of wills.

STOP THE CAR.

GET OUT. I'm DRIVING

and so he did. I tried to reason that our lives were worth sacrificing in order to save the squirrel's. Dad disagreed. It was mum's car.

Once at home I went into a teenage huff and blundered up the stairs swearing that I'd never learn to drive again.

'I want some crisps' said I, a good hour later.

'They're in the garage' said mum.

I, of course knew this already but it was part of my plan. So, I unhitched the lock, closed the garage door and ran back to the scene of the murder, having grabbed a trowel on the way through.

I ran the two miles, praying for forgiveness between breaths for destroying an innocent life and then I reached the spot.

It took me a good hour to find all of the parts, particularly the teeth. I buried it in the t-shirt I had on, as I'd brought a spare, expecting this. As I threw the last bits of soil on and stamped the turf down I said the lords prayer and vowed never to drive again.

Then I walked home.

Years later, after uni I got a job and still I refused to learn to drive.

My veggie leanining had weakened but I still wasn't a big fan of eating meat. I love beans and all the sauces they are preserved in and what's the point in animals suffering when it wasn't to my taste?

Then at the age of 25 I was reunited with a former high school sweetheart and she enjoyed scoffing meat and loved going like the clappers. Thus ended my veggie, non-driving days.

length? two years and now all I'm left with is my squirrel tale and a long lost passion for storing up my nuts.
(Heyzeus, Thu 6 Dec 2007, 23:41, 1 reply)

20mph and 150 feet away.
Why didn't you just slow down and stop, then toot horn until it buggered off?

Incidentally, 20mph on a country road? I hope you stopped to let other cars past. I wish learners would stay on the car parks until they can do the limit.
(Musuko, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 12:41, closed)