PeaRoast
...I was racing against a friend during what was to be the final hour of our thrash around the hills on our trusty Moutainbikes. We were riding through a stretch of fast and downhill field. We did it all the time.

This time however was to be different: This time we were stoned. It was Dark, and we were slightly pissed.

Leering at each other like passengers in the Sunshine Variety Bus in murky darkness, we pounded on the pedals and hurled ourselves downwards into oblivion. We were moving at warp speed into darkness. Scotty the engineer had nothing on us - He was right - HIS engines didn'ea have the power - OURS however were pushing us faster and faster until the world was a blur - We were going faster than humanly possible - We were laughing like maniacs - The feeling of speed was stupendous - the wind in our ears was roaring - the rushing sensation was..... GONE!
and so was my mate.
and so was my bike.

I was in pain. Really serious pain. I was alone in the dark, on the ground, and clutching at my nuts which seemed to have been violated in some way... I was a bloody and mangled heap of hurt.

It was then that I heard the noise. A deep gutteral gurgling-wheezing noise that had no right to exist. It was scaring the pap out of me, and then I realised where it was coming from... It was coming from my mouth.

I tried to stop it, but failed. my mind was taken up wiht the fact that I was making a silly noise and couldn't stop, and I only changed my focus when the cause of my crash made itself apparent: Thundering towards me was a particularly irate Bull. It was making a noise that's hard to describe. "pissed off Bovine" fails to cover it.

Try imagining the noise that a Gorilla would make if he was wearing a Ball-Gag, with his hands cuffed to his ankles, as you shove a Giant, Freshly-boiled and steaming hot Pinapple up his tightly puckered tea-towel holder.... Make it louder, blend in the steam-whistle froma train and then add Thundering hooves as a background noise....

Worrying? you don't know the half of it. If I hadn't have been stunned like a rabbit in the headlights, I'd have been skidding in my own shit (yes, again) trying to get out of it's path.

It arrived. On me. Two seconds after I had first sighted it. I had my own personal stampede.

*********
I can assure you, that if you're going to ride hell for leather through a field in the dark, It's a good idea to check for standing-and-sleeping cows.

Ride around them. Do not under any circumstances ride INTO them. Especially if they are giant bulls. Especially if you're doing the best part of 40mph.

**************

I was caught in a one-Bull stampede. It was not the most jolly occasion of my life. I realised that the beast was as blind in this darkness as I was. The pain of getting onto all fours and crawling took my breath (and silly noises) away. I crawled away from the meaty mother-fucker and found my mangled bike just as my mate re-appeared.

The damage list was surprisingly small
£600 Kona bike frame bent out of shape (but still ridable)
1 snapped handlebar. (bull arse)
2 broken ribs, (initial bull impact)
1 fractured finger, (bull stampage)
2 bruised nuts, (handlebar stem)
1 torn Scrote. (see above)

During the stomping I was convinced that I was going to die.
The Pain in my scrote for the next few days made me wish I HAD died: I had to abstain from wanking for at least 36 hours.

I'd like to Apologise to the Farmer for violating his prize-bull's arse with a mountain bike.

Length? I rekon it went in up to the brake lever.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 7 Dec 2007, 14:59, 4 replies)

Ouch!
Didn't know you were a biker too? There are a lot of us here.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 7 Dec 2007, 15:06, closed)

Bikers are people who ride motorcycles.
People who ride bicycles are cyclists.
(Musuko, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 18:01, closed)

don't be so picky.
I hammer an Identiti Dr Jekyl these days, and if you were to call me a "cyclist" I'd run you down.

I'm a biker sunshine.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 7 Dec 2007, 22:27, closed)

Bikers / cyclists
Yep, agreed. A cyclist is someone who has skinny tyres, rides on the road and may even wear reflective clothing.

A biker is an aggressive off road rider who is by default much more attractive to the opposite sex.

Identiti - Nice bike, perfect for hammering the crap out of
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Sun 9 Dec 2007, 22:23, closed)