I was rarely babysat
as far as I can remember. Occasionally mother would let someone else look after my pod whilst she went and spawned another larva and fed it on her saliva for a few months, but that's by the by.

Anyhoo, I have on occasion been asked to babysit. When I was 18, some friends of my sister, Jane and Rob, asked me to look after their 5 year old little boy whilst they all went out for a few drinks. The deal was that I would go to their cottage in the middle of nowhere, where food, a whole 15 sky channels and Rob's collection of artistic videos for the discerning gentlemen were available for my delectation. All I had to do was let Dylan watch a bit of TV then put him to bed NO LATER than 7:30 with a bedtime story. As they lived in the middle of nowhere, they were going to phone me when they were ready to be picked up and I was going to pop the sleeping Dylan in the car and nip down to the village to pick them up. No dramas.

Dylan was a little sweetie. He watched his Thundercats video, then he had a glass of milk, then we went upstairs so he could have a wee and brush his teeth, then I tucked him up in bed and I read him TWO Thomas the Tank Engine stories. He then fell asleep like I had hit him with a rubber cosh.

Anyhoo, 3 hours later, I am watching a rather entertaining video of a girl who seemed to be very happy that two chaps had just coughed their filthy yoghurt upon her face when the phone rang.

"Alright Carrot, it's Rob. We're ready to be picked up in about 20 minutes, so can you come down to the pub?"

I replied this would be no problem, rewound the video to the correct point and stowed it in its box. I then went upstairs to get Dylan.

He wasn't in his bed.

OK, I think. He's probably gone for a wee, so I nip down the corridor to the bathroom. It's a big house, and the walls are thick so I was not particularly worried that I'd not heard him.

As I walked down the corridor to the bathroom, I saw something that made my blood turn cold. His pyjama bottoms lying in the hallway. I ran to the bathroom. Nothing there apart from an open window leading onto a flat roof sloping down to the garden.

Oh fuck, I think. He's been abducted.

Frantically I search every room in the house looking for him. No sign whatsoever. It's a 15 minute drive to the pub, so I need to find him quick or call the police. Whatever. I am so frantic I nearly lose control of my bowels. This being the age before mobile phones, I run back down to the kitchen and pick up the phone, ready to dial 999.

Now, the sloping roof from the bathroom is over the kitchen extension. As I pick up the phone, I see a flash of pink from my peripheral vision. I spin round to see a butt naked child sitting in a sandpit, with nought but a bucket and spade to his name, happily building sandcastles.

As my heart rate falls to the point where I can detect discernable beats rather than just a constant thrumming in my eardrums, I run outside, scoop him up, and run inside.

"Look Uncle Carrot" he burbles. "I builded a big huge castle wiv soldiers and guns and a moot and peoples and...."

I throw him into his pyjamas and into the car. I screech out of the driveway and down the lane. By the time I reach the pub, Dylan is asleep.

Jane, Rob and my sister stagger out of the pub and into the car. Jane is in the back next to the snoozing Dylan.

"Carrot" she enquires "why does Dylan have sandy feet?"

"Ah..." I start to respond, desperately thinking of an excuse that doesn't involve me allowing their child to take his clothes off, jump down a 6 foot drop and then start building an elaborate series of fortifications that would make the Romans proud whilst I was approaching the Billy Mill Roundabout to Bukkake Babes IV: Backdoor Sluts.

I failed in that, but Rob rescued the day.

"The little bugger's been playing in his sandpit again hasn't he? He's always doing this at night. Didn't we tell you?"

No. You didn't.

Length? Well, he was 5 and it was a bit chilly out...
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Sun 31 Oct 2010, 13:37, 3 replies)

They didn't have Backdoor Sluts 9?

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sun 31 Oct 2010, 17:02, closed)

This WAS
several years ago.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Sun 31 Oct 2010, 20:14, closed)

*applause*
Good work!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 19:26, closed)