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This is a question Bad Dates

Tell us about your least successful date. Arrive late? Forget their name? Show them goatse on your phone just as the main course arrived? Or was it the other way around?

(, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 16:27)
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Live Porn, Mum and a Duck
I choose to start my story now.

It wasn’t the first time I had taken her out, we had been hanging around together a fair bit, had done the getting really drunk together thing, done the danced all night in a crowded night club like we where the only people in the room bit, had a lovely dirty weekend away and where just generally getting on really well.
It was time! Time for her to meet my folks and start down the transition from cool young things having a great time together to a long-term exclusive relationship. And as it would happen my Mum called me to let me know my uncle was coming to visit from Perth (in Western Australia) with my Aunty for a weekend and they where organizing some theatre tickets and would I like to come along.

“Better get me two tickets”, I said, “I’ve got someone I would like you to meet”.

The night rolled around and we all agreed to meet at a pub close to the theatre for a couple of pre-show drinks. The group had grown to include my other Aunty (Mum’s younger sister) and her husband who had arranged the tickets as well as my Mum’s slightly eccentric semi religious (read bat shit mental religious nutter) friend.

My girl friend was a pretty tolerant easygoing person but the one thing that did piss her off was people who ran late and didn’t let you know. My mum always runs late and when it comes to the rest of her family, she seems military punctual.

We (the girl and I) arrived at the appointed pub at the appointed hour and had a drink while we waited. I had given her heads up that the rest of the group would probably be late and she didn’t let it worry her. Anyway, as the hour ticks by, we had a few drinks and continued to wait and after 45 minutes had passed my Mum showed up and over the next 40 minutes the others dribbled in leaving us 5 minutes to scurry to the theatre and our seats.

The show we where seeing was called “PERFORMANCE ARTIST” by Annie Sprinkles. The name Annie Sprinkles rang a bell but, I couldn’t quite place it or why. The lights dimmed and the show started. It was a one-woman show, basically a monologue with photo’s and pictures on slides that where displayed on a big screen over the stage. It opened when the “one-woman” uttered the immortal words, “My first name was Frieda Grey” (I can’t actually remember what her first name was but, that’ll do for now), “Frieda was an introverted mousey person who liked to stay at home and didn’t have sex with anybody” and she showed a photo of a rather homely looking teenage girl type person.

“I decided I didn’t like Frieda” a few more family photo’s of a fairly normal reserved mid-west American family, with Frieda in all of the shots. “So I became Annie” followed by the full gutted rabbit wide on twat shot, definitely NSFW, “and she had sex with everyone” and from there on the show went downhill, with a rolling narrative of her friends from the 1970’s Californian porn scene (yes it was that Annie Sprinkles) with a recurring theme of what awesome happy life filled party people they had been until they died of AIDS, accompanied by a series of photo’s (it felt like 1000’s of them) of Annie and the mentioned friends engaged in one on one regular sex, two on one advanced rutting , three on one it’s getting silly porking, how fricken many where in that one screwing, 2 cocks in one Annie arse, 4 cocks cumming on her face, some dirty bastard shitting on her tits and rubbing it on her face and then some shots of stuff they won’t let you show on illegal Cambodian internet sites. People where going white around us, the sound of retching was happening, if her intent had been to shock people, she had achieved it and passed it like Ferrari at full speed passing two old men in a Dobbin the horse suit pulling a fully laden cement truck up a steep hill.

And I was seeing all of this, in the company of my mum, and my Aunties and my new girl friend.

Then Annie told us her third name “Sunny Moonlight Radiance” or some such hippie bullshit, and apparently Sunny Moonlight Radiance only has sex with women. I near dived under my seat at that point.
What ever the first part of Sunny Moonlight Radiance went on about I don’t remember exactly but it did involve talk of lesbians and dildos and crumpet munching and the next part is still very clear in my mind. The show culminated with Frieda/Annie/Sunny stripped naked on stage, painting her face and body with her menstrual blood, which she had conveniently saved in a jar, and handing out home made maracas made from two plastic coffee cups sticky taped together with rice inside to the audience for us to shake to a hypnotic rhythm while she swayed and gyrated to an almost hands free screaming orgasm on stage, she then invited those wished to come forward and bathe in the ambiance of her orgasm and the show came to an end.

Looking around, my Mum, had eye’s like saucers, my Aunty who arranged the tickets was making excuses that she thought it was a show about a painter and had no idea, my Uncle (who was actually a Doctor) was looking positively ill and my other Aunty and Uncle, where missing in action. Apparently, my Aunty who had come across from Perth couldn’t take anymore at one stage during the show and had run from the room and my Uncle (not her hubby but, married to the one who bought the tickets) had followed her out to make sure she was ok (aka ran like a frightened child). My girl friend was seeing the funny side of things and was laughing that she couldn’t believe I had to sit through that with my Mum and was proud of me for not running from the room also.

To end the night, we decided to grab a late night super in China Town. My Uncle’s favorite Chinese restaurant was in walking distance, so we headed in and got a big table. To make things easy, he ordered a Peking Duck for the table as it is an easy to share type of meal. My new girl friend piped up, that she didn’t eat duck. This wasn’t for any health or taste reason. It was on moral grounds, she had had a pet duck as a child, that she loved very much and didn’t want to eat them. But, she didn’t object to others eating duck and wasn’t that hungry so would wait for the main course.

The Duck skin in pancakes, with the shallots, cucumber and Hoisin sauce was delicious and when the San Choy Bou came out, we all tucked in, including the girl friend. What she hadn’t realized was that the San Choy Bou was made using the duck meat (the first course only used the skin). It was only after she had stated how tasty she found it, that my Uncle suggested she might have to revise her moratorium on eating duck.

And thus, the date was ruined when my family tricked my new girlfriend into eating duck meat.

TLDR: Introduces new girl friend to mum, makes her watch live porn and force feeds her duck
(, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 5:17, 4 replies)

"I chose to start my story now" - Flacko or the Sandman, I can't remember.
(, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 6:20, closed)
The fatter Mikey Robbins was the funnier he was.
(, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 6:50, closed)
I saw Flacko live years ago.
Like a very weird fuckedup Norman Gunston. Without the dodgy questions.
(, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 8:33, closed)
So the blood and shit porn was fine
but she was squeamish about eating a bird? You had a lucky escape there. I'd have tried to fuck an aunt instead.
(, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 15:58, closed)
My Aunts where safe
and we have been married for the past 15 years. She even put up with the duck munching when we lived in China (they eat a lot of duck) but, has stayed strong to her duck prohibition.
(, Tue 22 Oct 2013, 6:10, closed)
I might just be old and confused, but aren't you talking about Annie Sprinkles?

(, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 19:46, closed)
The old and confused rest with me
you are correct, I couldn't remember exactly and Sprinkles seemed to ridiculous so went with Sparkles.

Edited suitably, thanks for the tip.
(, Tue 22 Oct 2013, 6:07, closed)

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