I'm back dating again but I'm thinking of giving up now 'cos...
I went on a date about a month ago and I was indulging in a bit of filthy conversation. It turns out I didn't truly understand the ramifications of my sweet, sweet words. There she was, looking a little crosseyed and wriggling on the bar stool (We were in a pub, and yes, the bar stool was the right way up.). She started sort of clenching her hands and got closer and closer as I got ruder. Then I made the mistake of uttering 'The horsemans word' This is a phrase passed down through the males in my family that is the decider between going home and having a wank or getting a cheeky wriggle in. Oops...

It was like throwing a snowball down a hill and then watching it gather mass until it engulfs a small town...

She pretty much launched at me, knocking me back into the chair as she attempted to claw and snog me. I began to panic but decided to go with it but then, she popped her head down and started nibbling the crotch of my jeans. I tried backing off but there was nowhere to go, then all of a sudden she nibbled altogether too hard and basically bit the middle of my shaft. That was the clincher. I got up, declared that she was, and I quote 'Fucking mental' and then left her there and got the train home. She still calls me but my days of crawling five miles across broken glass are well and truly over so I won't pick up.

Length? Not very large but with a ficking massive bite mark in the middle.
( JamHamster My eyes, my beautiful eyes!, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 22:42, 8 replies)

The 78th of Septober 190367

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 22:16, 1 reply)

She was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar
so I fucked her up the arse.

True story.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 21:55, 2 replies)

I wouldn't say it was least successful. Just deliciously frustrating.
THIS IS A REPOST. JUST IN CASE RINGOFYRE BRIGADIER MISSED THAT PART.

There was this one time...

Her name was Jennifer, we'd been workmates since we were at school and then both worked near each other for a few years after that so we regularly had lunch or caught up for after work drinks.

Jen was a pale, slim and that almost blonde ginge. Attractive, but not really my type. But fuck me did she have a vicious sense of humour. Not unlike myself.
We occasionally came across each other socially and when we did it was always a hoot but nothing ever really happened beyond a few drunken, slurred "I luv ya mate"s.

One night Jen came over to mine after breaking up with her bf a few weeks prior. I was single at the time and all of my house-mates were out for the evening. We had a nice meal - I cooked carbonara from memory and then we plonked on the couch talking.

"I'd love a neck rub" she said. It wasn't the 1st time and hey the beers were hitting the spot for me. After a while she lifted her blouse up and asked me to continue on her back.
Eyebrows raised but what the hell. I wasn't brave or keen enouhg at this point to tell her that to do it properly I'd need to undo her bra. After a while she turned around (now just in her bra) and offered to return the favour. I got the cushions off the couch, put down a towel, got some baby oil, lay down on my tummy, took my shirt off and told her to go to town.

For a 5', skinny, pale thing she had some nice strong fingers. I was almost dozing off when she piped up "My turn." Off came her bra with very little self-consciousness and after she lay down I straddled her (now I noticed) pert bum and started rubbing baby oil into her back with great gusto.
I had to address the elephant in the room eventually - "Umm, Jen I got a raging hardon. Sorry but you know, biology etc.". "I know." she purred. Then she rolled over and we kissed - it just seemed to happen.

"I think we need to take this out of the lounge-room" I said. She said "I don't mind what we do tonight but nothing penetrative." OK. I tidied the lounge up and walked into my bedroom finding her naked on the bed. "Leave your boxers on" she told me as I got undressed.
We kissed and then I fondled her small pert boobs and then sucked on the ripe little nubbins. She laid right back, I put a pillow under the small of her back, spread her lips and then then started slurping, sucking & licking.
I must have felt her shudder about 4 times before I tried to push a couple of fingers into her to really finish her off (there is a rough spot just behind the pubic mound on the inside of a ladies vajizzle that for every woman I have touched has made them buck their hips like a bronco - particularly whilst sucking on their engorged clit - call it a g-spot, whatever, I just know it fucking works). She stopped me so I climbed on top of her and ground against her wettness with the tip and shaft of my cock behind my [silk] boxers. We just rolled around for hours like that. I think that was one of the best frottage experiences I have ever had.

After a while we rolled over and dozed, then we had a shower where we slowly washed each other quite carefully - the way one partner gives the other a bed bath when they're crook.

Not once did she touch my cock in a randy manner, I didn't even cum that night (trust me it didn't take me long to knock 1 out afterwards).
My wanking fantasy: if only my cock had slipped completely out of the top or between the "pee-hole" fold of my boxers and I'd been able to 'inadvertently' thrust myself into Jen's ripe, wet ted.

We had lunch at work a couple of days later with nary a mention of that night. I ended up in her bed a couple of months later where I again treated her to some very enjoyable mouth & tongue entertainment. But that was all.

About 6 mths. later she rang me - we'd both taken different jobs and drifted apart and she told me - "I want you to come over and fuck me senseless". "Sorry", I told her "I'm kinda busy.", she asked me if I had someone there with me. I told her yes. She asked me if it was someone special, I replied in the positive...

That someone special is gonna be home from work in an hour or so and our daughter is itching to show her the library books we got today.
EDIT:The above is in italics to denote something occurring in the present day and no longer in the past.
Whilst I'm at it just to be very clear - at no point was this rape or a fantasy about rape.


Haven't seen, nor heard from Jen since. Oh the times I've had imagining.

Length: Well the old fella was well and truly poking out the top of my boxers.
TBH If I were single & she rang me today. I'd probably say no.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 21:52, 6 replies)

I was out for a couple of pints
Ending up pissing in Amorous Badger's mouth. Damn urophiliacs.
(McChinaman banned, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 21:48, 1 reply)

This is going to end up being about the guy with
the crappy curtains again isn't it?
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 21:45, Reply)

I know this isn't /links.
But short of telling you my incredibly dull story about farting, crap sex and internet adultery I feel this is appropriate:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqDbb7-dn9A
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 21:01, Reply)

So glad I didn't give him my number...
I'd just moved from a small town to a big city and hardly knew anybody, so I was open to meeting up with friends-of-friends-of-friends, to widen my small circle, and maybe go on some dates. A guy who used to work with a friend got in touch and we met for a quiet afternoon pint. Or at least, that's what I expected.

The guy wore a business suit made of fleece (I've never seen such a thing before or since), had a huge plastic earring in the shape of Africa, and a very intense look.

Over the first (and last) pint, he launched into a rant about how I should join the Green Party, and how my veggie diet was a load of bollocks that really "offended" him. No amount of arguing or attempts to change the subject worked. When I eventually tried to extract myself, he looked deep into my eyes and announced that we were "100% compatable".

I fled.
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 20:36, 4 replies)

Met up with this lass in a biker pub.
Got on like a house on fire, several pints later I retired to the gents to turn my bike around.
Long story short, I ended up pissing in my own mouth.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 20:25, 6 replies)

:(

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 20:09, 4 replies)

She came from Greece she had a thirst for knowledge
So I fucked her in the arse.

True story.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 19:59, Reply)

Beware.......
...the Ides of March.
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 17 Oct 2013, 19:54, Reply)

We'd met before in Athens and spent a few days together. She lived in Seattle and gave me her number
A year later I was in Seattle, trying to buy a van for a road trip. I called her up to let her know I was in town, and we spoke a bit and flirted. The next Saturday she calls me up and invites me out that night on what I thought was a date. Some friends had already invited me to see the baseball and had tickets, but I agreed.
She arrives in a car with her boyfriend. As we drive out to some brewpub in Tacoma, she starts relating a ficticious account of our time in Greece, one that doesn't involve us kissing or fucking. I am pissed off. I'd much rather be at the baseball with my mates than making small talk with this couple. I feel not mentioning she had a boyfriend was purposefully misleading.
When we get there I deliberately get drunk as quickly as I can, consuming gallons of craft beer. I ignore the couple and start chatting to the barman. A woman at the bar I hadn't really noticed, apart from her asking me where I'm from, is whispering in my ear. My brain is foggy but I focus my attention. She is saying the kind of things she wants to do to me sexually. In fact her words were "The things I'm going to do to you". I am intrigued, too drunk for the warning bells that anyone this forward to a stranger, discounting my obvious magnetism, is probably a drunken slut and to be avoided. As much to spite the couple as attraction, I leave with the woman, waving at them as I walk out into the night with her.
She has a huge Ford pickup, and drives fast and out of control, running red lights and at one point locking up the brakes when she didn't see a car until we almost collided. normally I would be terrified, but I'm so drunk it all feels detatched and surreal. She drives over a grassy verge and into a carpark of a liquor store. She asks me if I have money for beer, but checking my wallet I find it empty. "Fuck, fuck, fuck! I wanna fucking six pack", she yells banging the steering wheel in a tantrum.
We arrive at her place. I was expecting white trash but the place is huge and well outfitted like a bachelor pad. I compliment it but she says the place isn't hers, but doesn't elaborate. She opens some cupboards looking for something and huge caserole dish falls to the floor and smashes. she just laughs and doesnt clean it up. She finds a bag of powder and offers me a line. I do one but then she doesn't. She says she doesn't like speed. Neither do I, I thought it was coke and was trying to be social.
After all her whisperings the sex turns out to be terrible. she just lies there unresponsive like a sack of potatoes while I buck away manfully. I lie there awake for a few hours while she sleeps. The sun comes up. I realise I don't want to have any more conversations with this woman. I have nothing to say to her. I dress quitely while she snores, and walk out into the dawn. I have no idea where I am. Some suburbia somewhere. dogs bark at me. eventually I come to a hardware store, it's open. I ask to use their phone and call a taxi to where I'm staying. I have to stop on the way home to get some cash
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 19:25, 3 replies)

9/11

(piston_broke Actually thinks Supermatt is a decent bloke., Thu 17 Oct 2013, 18:01, 9 replies)

Psychochomp met up with Rachelswipe and they had very disappointing sex

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 17:57, 3 replies)

Obviously...

( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 17:28, 1 reply)

What's needed here is some stories told by REAL GIRLS, about how they went on a date with a guy, but he was a dweeb
So they went home, and their attractive female flatmate was still up, and they talked about the date, and how men are bastards, and how they both drank some wine, and got a bit tipsy, and then decided to get it on together.

In detail.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 17:24, 6 replies)

Three Bad Dates
all of which ended with me going to bed alone.

At school, there was a girl called Libby I was hopelessly besotted with. To my teenage mind, she was perfect. Brainy, demure, and with quite big tits. Anyway, I eventually persuaded her to let me take her out for lunch one day so we could chat. She agreed. We decided that the next day we’d go to a nice café down the High Street and spend an hour together. I’d made a big effort in the way only a 17 year old boy can: had a shower, sprayed on the Lynx Africa liberally, put a clean shirt on, and ‘borrowed’ my Dad’s nice watch. She turned up to meet me with her gay best friend in tow, who then proceeded to look bored and keep interrupting the conversation to ask about what they were doing after. The next day she told me she didn’t want to see me any more because Graham thought I was dull. I wouldn’t mind so much if I hadn’t paid for both their lunches. Graham had had a dessert too, the fat cunt.

Then, years later, there was the Australian girl I’d pulled in a nightclub. We’d exchanged numbers and agreed to go for a Japanese meal. It was quite pleasant except for the fact she kept banging on about Jesus. We went back to mine afterwards and things got a bit intimate, except she said she wouldn’t go further than kissing and a little light fondling before marriage. I tried to clarify exactly what ‘light fondling’ involved and whether it might involve her touching my willy. She left and texted the next day to say she really liked me but she was worried the relationship wasn’t going to be a good fit with her faith.

The absolute worst was when I was set up with a friend of a friend. She was a nice girl, and I’d met her before, and knew she was chatty, pretty, and we’d got on quite well. The date went well, and whilst I thought it was obvious she didn’t really fancy me, and was a bit out of my league, we got on really well and chatted for hours. I was now quite keen. Luckily, she wanted to go for a second date. Great. What do you fancy doing?

An all day traditional dance workshop encompassing various styles of European folk dance.

I politely but firmly made my excuses despite her insistence that it would be brilliant fun. Instead, I arranged to meet her afterward and take her for a nice meal. The thing is, though, it was immediately apparent that she was really, really angry at me for not going to the thing. Any questions about how it had gone were rebuffed quickly with ‘don’t worry about asking, I know you’re not interested’. We made small talk on various subjects, but it was hard to avoid the elephant in the room. Eventually I asked her if she was annoyed about it, and she said something like ‘I don’t get annoyed. Life is too short to get annoyed. Sometimes I’m just very tempted to get annoyed. That’s all.’ OK… at the end of a long and awkward night of stilted conversation, I walked her to the tube station in the rain, said goodbye, and never heard from her again. She ignored my texts and calls. I later heard from our mutual friend that she was really, really pissed off about the European folk dance workshop.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 17:11, 7 replies)

Mickey and Me
I set up a date with a cute girl I met online. She lived outside of town, so before I set out to meet her, I checked my messages to see if she was delayed or anything; she didn't have a phone, so unless she sent a last-minute e-mail the only way to contact her was to show up. Instead, I found an e-mail from my dad... a long, descriptive story about how they had to put our family dog down.

Just one quick excerpt. "When the vet injected him, we could sense him just relaxing as he put his head down. We stayed with him until he was finally gone. Sad as it was, it was all very peaceful. Quiet too, as there were no other patients there until we were leaving."

Then I had to leave to go on this date. I decided against telling her, because could you imagine going on a first date with a guy, and the first thing he tells you is "Please take pity on me, because my dog just died." It seems like such a manipulative line.

The date was lacklustre, with me doing my best to keep from crying, but I couldn't muster up the spirit to make it a good date. No second date, and while she probably would have said it was an okay time but not at all memorable, to me it was the worst date I ever had.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 16:52, 4 replies)

Slowly going down on her, only to discover a lump of dripping green mucus about the size of the lid of a Zippo lighter was something of a surprise, certainly.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 16:40, 11 replies)

well, I am a versatile gay chap about town. I went on a date with a chap from Reading.
Very attractive chap, we talked about anal sex and what he likes to do with his poop hole and I assure you goatse would have blushed. He then when on to discuss how he liked swapping vomit, which I am afraid was just a little bit too far and quite put me off my crab cakes.

Still, not all was lost he was a slutty bottom boy and gave incredible head.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 16:39, 4 replies)

i thought it were a mini sausage :(

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 16:33, Reply)

Took a girl to the cinema, then got invited back to hers
to meet her boyfriend. Not really the result I was looking for.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 16:32, 9 replies)

17/10/13

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 16:32, Reply)

1 September 1939

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 16:32, 1 reply)

Friday 13th

( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 16:31, Reply)

2nd!
Eat me
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 16:30, 2 replies)

Bang! I've come first.
Which reminds me of every date I've ever had.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 17 Oct 2013, 16:30, 3 replies)