My first manager
This guy was called Steve. He was a complete caricature of your typical sit-com office manager. Mid-30s, balding, in the despairing throws of a mid-life crisis and thriving on his position of OPS manager. When he got promoted to area manager - responsible for SIX (count em) stores - you could literally FEEL the aura of self-importance when he breezed past.

The way he spoke and the things he came out with are now legendary amongst staff, contracters and delivery drivers. And you knew he was about to speak as he would always, without fail, lean against the nearest leanable object, give a short, sharp SNIFF, breathe in, and then bless us with his inimitable wisdom.

He was a bit OCD when it came to store rules. One time a couple of contracters from Leeds (3 hours north) had been in the stock room all morning drilling into walls and replacing pipes. Steve comes in that afternoon, after they'd gone and notices they'd left a bit of plasterboard dust on the floor next to the wall.

STEVE: *SNIFF* "What's this?"
ME: "Oh, a couple of contracters were in this morning. Must've forgotten to clear it up. I'll just fetch the brush."
STEVE: *SNIFF* "Oh no you won't. Call them back."
ME: "What?"
STEVE: (looking straight into my eyes) "Call. Them. Back."
ME: "But Steve, they've come all the way from Leeds! You want them to drive back down just to sweep this up?!"
STEVE: "They made the mess, they'll sweep it up"

And so, the poor workmen drove another 3 hours back from Leeds to spend 4 seconds sweeping up some dust.

Another time he noticed a delivery driver hadn't loaded two empty trollies back on his truck.

STEVE: *SNIFF* "Why haven't you loaded these on?"
DRIVER: "What do you mean?"
STEVE: *SNIFF* "They must go back. We need a clear stockroom"
DRIVER: "But it's just 2 small trollies. Can you not wait til we have a full load? It'll take me at least half an hour at the end of my shift to reverse and unload those!"
STEVE: *SNIFF* "They MUST, go back."

And so the poor chap patiently loaded them up whilst secretly wishing death upon the skinny twat in his midst.

But Steve was always at best when he was talking about himself. He made me stop what I was doing once so he could take me into the loading bay to look at his white Honda Civic Type R (old style). *SNIFF* "When I stop at the lights EVERYONE looks. Only 2 in the area. I'VE got one. Keep working hard Matty and you might have one of these," he says giving me a wink, a smug grin and a patronising pat on the back.

Or the time one of the newer lads said he spotted him in a curry house the night before. *SNIFF* "Ah yes the Ramna. They KNOW me in there. 'Seat by the fire Mr Glover? Pint of the usual?' *SNIFF* They KNOW me." All completely serious.

I last saw him a couple of years ago stood in an ultra hip bar, on the edge of the dance floor, Friday night, looking painfully like Mr Smithers in skin-tight white shirt, clutching a bottle of WKD, his head bopping meaninglessly to music he secretly hates. Tragic really.
(BeardyMat, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 16:24, Reply)