Cuntsultants




I was wary to post this as it may out me but what the hell - the world needs to be warned.


His name was Zach, a Saffer from some London consultancy mob sent over to show us poor benighted Paddies how to run a project. He looked like a sun tanned version of Waylon Smithers with designer specs, rolex, tailored suits and drenched in expensive aftershave.

We were developing a intranet database for a utility company so that their engineers could double check previous/ongoing work etc.

Anyway, Zach arrives onsite, takes one look at the office, one look at the three of us and exclaims "This? This is what I have to put up with?" and storms off. We heard later that he'd stormed into the office of the area big chief and demanded, not asked, demanded, that he be given an office and not a corner of a floorspace like the rest of us. "I'm the project leader and need an office so that I can work to my best potential" Seeing as senior engineers, with thirty years experience, were sitting alongside us in a cubicle, this line of reasoning fell on deaf ears. He then spent the entire week listing his previous projects and the size and splendour of the offices he'd been given - all in a sulky toddler manner.

We'd now established that he was a cockend of no great use to humanity. We hadn't realised though that he was also the patron saint of incompetent, back-stabbing cry-babies.

To start, he designed a database query for us to use as a template. I tested it, thought I'd made a mistake, checked again, got the other two to give it a go, got similar results and decided I'd better have a word. "Err, Zach, sorry to bother you but this data's coming out all wrong." He gave me a withering look "I'm *never* wrong, ever and don't you forget it." He came over and questioned us in minute detail as to what we'd done wrong. It soon became obvious, even to him, that the only thing wrong was his query formula. "Aah, yes, well, (smug grin) I see you passed my little test then. You see I deliberately created that logic error to see if you could handle real life problems. I'll leave you to correct it yourself as a further exercise" and off he fucked sharpish like.

It got worse, much worse. After a few weeks of testing and the like we needed input from field engineers as to what they'd like to have featured in the capture forms. Zach of course took charge of this. So after repeatedly telling him we were stuck without this info, he eventually provided it, or so he claimed. We made up a mock-up and showed it to the heads of departments - "Err, grand enough lads but where's all the capture forms the engineers asked for?" - "Here they are" we said confusedly "No, no, those were only the sample ones we gave to Zach as an idea of what was required." Before anyone could open their gobs Zach sprang to his feet and pointed across the table at us "IT'S ALL THEIR FAULT! I TRIED TO STOP THEM BUT THEY JUST IGNORED ME AND CARRIED ON ANYWAY! YOU'VE GOT TO BELIEVE ME, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE LIKE!" There was stunned silence, embarrassed glances floorwards and shuffling of papers.

He then lost two months worth of work by deleting a shared folder from his pc where he insisted we store it. Instead of asking us if we had a back up copy, he went straight to the department heads and blamed our incompetence. "I'm sure they'll have a back up" he was told "NO, NO THEY WON'T THEY'RE TRYING TO SABOTAGE THE PROJECT AND MAKE ME LOOK BAD, I KNOW THEY ARE!" Out they trooped and over to us where we showed them the several back ups, umpteen 'plateau' saves we'd made and complete documentation of all our work to date.

At this stage, the clients had had enough and called in Zach's superiors. Another bloke, Chris, was sent over to 'support' Zach. He was a fucking star - nothing was too much trouble and we especially liked the way he looked at Zach as if he was something nasty Chris had just stepped in. At the end of the project, having a meal and beers with Chris (Zach had gone home 2 minutes after the project ended without so much as a 'goodbye'), he let slip that Zach was for the chop as our project was his 'last chance saloon' and he'd blown it.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 13:35, Reply)