Assembled twunts
I'm currently sitting at the edge of hell surrounded by a plethora of complete twunts, and as the rage of having to work beside this army of half-witted, scruffy looking nerf-herders wells inside me I feel compelled to share the details of just a few of them.

Luke: I fucking hate Luke, he is a skinny, pale-faced little twat who seems to think that going to dance music events and popping low quality Ecstasy is the same as having a personality.

Last week myself and b3tan bongmaster were strolling back to our desks, having enjoyed some banter and a cup of tea. Luke decides to accost bongmaster. "Are you going to -insert name of generic dance music event- next month?" asks Luke. "No I'm going to a few d'n'b events" replies bongmaster. Luke responds with "You should come, I've got my outfit sorted, a dustsuit and a gas mask!"

I don't even know where to begin ridiculing this. Firstly, when was it a requisite of going clubbing that you have to wear an 'outfit'? And how is a dustsuit an 'outfit'? Surely that would be classed as a 'costume'. Is it a fancy-fucking-dress dance event you are attending Luke?

Even though I now live a life of sobriety I've still ingested more chemcials and seen more high quality DJs than Luke could dream of, and not once did I ever feel compelled to dress up like a fuckwit.

Weird Derek: Sits opposite me and whistles tunelessly all day. Will indulge any random stranger in conversation, and I have concluded he must be severely starved of attention.

Will also take any opportunity to try and start a conversation.
I yawn: "Are you tired Jasper?"
I sneeze "Would you like a tissue Jasper?"

Derek is also a major league bullshitter. He claims to have had trials for Liverpool FC Youth Team, even though he is about as athletic as a chimney. He also claimed to live in a large 4 bedroom house, until someone pointed out to him that his girlfriends myfacespacebebobook page states she lives in a two bedroom flat with her boyfriend (Weird) Derek.

Deeko: I can't begin to describe how badly I want to beat him. Every time I see his stupid gormless grin, with his blatantly rotting teeth I want to grab the back of his head with my left hand and repeatedly put my elbow into his face whilst screaming "BEING A TEAM MANAGER IN A MID LEVEL CALL CENTRE IS NOT AN ACHIEVEMENT, SO WHY ARE YOU SO PLEASED WITH YOURSELF?"

Penman: Drives a Smart Roadster and thinks this has somehow positioned him as the fountain of all knowledge pertaining to sports cars. Apparently "A Caterham is so light you can lift it over your head". So you are able to perform an overhead press with 430kg are you Penman?? I think not. Granted his Smart Roadster is a 2 seater with a turbo charged engine, but that engine has 3 cylinders and is less that 1000cc, the car does 0-62 in just over 10 seconds and has a top speed of.....wait for it.......109mph. Hardcore.

Big Red: So called because he weighs in at well over 25 stone, and always wears a huge red jumper.

He is a serious sex pest and has the strangest come-on techniques of any man in the world. For example: he once overheard one of his lust-targets commenting that she liked bombay mix. So Big Red brings in a fucking huge bag of bombay mix every single day, hoping that the object of his sweaty affection willl notice this and the ensuing conversation will result in him doing the no-pants dance with her in the disabled toilets.

Apologies for the rant, I realise this is not crafted to my usual levels of articulation, but these people should be tortured and sterilised.
(JasperSinister is offering two tickets to the gun show, Thu 31 Jan 2008, 13:04, 3 replies)

the point of the gas mask
is to put vics or other naisal decongestant in it because this makes you buzz your tits off when you're on speed or e. you should ask your moron friend luke the reason he wears the mask. you can then ridicule him if he doesnt know the answer! lol I HATE HIM!
(L E T S G O "Stop buying into and spreading this shit", Thu 31 Jan 2008, 13:12, closed)

What he actually means
is a 'dustmask' as well, a gasmask would be a mask used to breathe during gas attacks. So not only is he unaware of why he would be wearing such an item, he is also ignorant as to it's proper name.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
(JasperSinister is offering two tickets to the gun show, Thu 31 Jan 2008, 13:17, closed)

yea i got that ( i was being polite )
youre supposed to rub vics on the inside of the dust mask. ask him. go on. hehe
(L E T S G O "Stop buying into and spreading this shit", Thu 31 Jan 2008, 13:27, closed)