Best and Worst in one foodstuff
A long time ago when we were both studes the missus cooked me some biscuits to include in my lunch. The biscuits were uncharacteristically delicious. It has been a long time since I enjoyed biscuits as good. Upon tasting these delights I resolved to eat many of them the next day.

At breakfast I scoffed a cheeky one (she had already left) and stuffed a load in to my rucksack to enjoy at regular intervals during the day.

I had a couple for elevenses then went back to my labwork. After a couple of hours, I felt a nagging hunger pang, so availed to the write up area to enjoy my lunch. Sandwiches, crisps, chocolate bar etc and more biscuits. Three in fact.

Mid afternoon I get the same hunger pang, only this time its painful. 'Better eat something' was the brain's response to this unwelcome stimulus. As I eat two more biscuits the pain grows until I experience what I can only describe as having a cat try and eat its way out of my abdomen. At one point I was lying on a desk sweating like a rapist and shaking like a shitting dog, while some co-workers plied me with water.

After a seemingly interminable period of 'observation' where the first aiders basically did fuck all and just watch with faces flitting between pity, indifference and inconvenience I started, slowly, to feel better.

Around 6pm I had risen Lazarus-like and was ready to cycle home. I decided that seeing as I had consumed a fair few of those biscuits it would be prudent to investigate to see if I had some sort of problem with the ingredients used.

After it was decided that the ingredients used presented no issues I had to drill down in to the method of preparation. 'I cleaned the counter with Jif and then rolled out the dough and then put them in to the oven' was the rather defensive rely to my questioning.

Sensing the problem I asked her to demonstrate her cleaning technique. Viola. She squirted a shit load of Jif on to the counter, gave it ONE wipe with the cloth and then declared the counter safe for food preparation. Unbelievable. The streaks of corrosive stomach stripping general purpose cleaner were there for all too see.

Its called 'Cif' now, why is that?
(mersault, Thu 26 May 2011, 16:05, 7 replies)

JIF is now peanut butter, that's why. It's fucking excellent too.
( AWPS, Thu 26 May 2011, 16:17, closed)

"Causes Intestinal Fuckup"?

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 26 May 2011, 16:20, closed)

Cos Spanish speakers can pronounce 'Cif'

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 26 May 2011, 16:27, closed)

Shaking like a shitting dog...
...is an excellent turn of phrase. Nicely written.

*click*
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 26 May 2011, 16:39, closed)

Nicely nicked, you mean.
PWEI used it in about 1986
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:09, closed)

Cif, applied neat to marble gravestones, is supposed to bring them up a treat.

(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 27 May 2011, 8:58, closed)

It's called cif
First, so that I won't buy it any more. (Yeah fuck you too Marathon and Opal fruits)
Second, some bright spark in marketing realised there just weren't enough products out there which remind you of an unpleasant sexually transmitted disease.
(unclestinky, Sat 28 May 2011, 11:16, closed)