Anybody that knows me knows that I have a thing about American tourists....
....I have never, I repeat, NEVER, met an American tourist that I have liked. I have American friends, I know some great American people, but I can't fathom why it is that it's the dumb ones that feel the need to spend six months of their lives on whistle-stop tours of great places without looking into what to expect when they are there. For example, THIS happened to me....

I was in Venice as part of my journey to Athens to see my friends getting married. Now, anybody that has travelled to Venice will probably know that there is a railway station there. It's a terminal type, otherwise the train would run into the sea. There's a long bridge that carries the trains over the water to the city of Venice from the mainland. Venice, as you know, is famous for it's canals. Of course there are canals, the place is built on a series of islands in a large lagoon.

Anyway, I came out of the station and paused on the plaza outside to take in the impressive view, the hustle and bustle of the tourists and to get my bearings before heading off to find a Cornetto salesman and so on. As I was stood there I overheard an angry voice. Now, I am like you when I hear an angry voice - I stop and do that 'nonchalantly listening' thing. It's a habit, probably a bad one, but it's always entertaining. The voice was American and was ranting in words of predominantly 4 letters about his late taxi. It had been booked for him. He was waiting. It should be here. It should be here, waiting for him. He's travelled too far to be f*** messed a motherf**g about by these f***g Italians. He hated the taxi company. He wanted his taxi.

It was glaringly obvious what his error was. I looked at him for a few seconds and I'm sorry to say, assuming you are still reading this, that I got annoyed. How dare he shout these profanities in the most beautiful of cities? I approached him, looking all helpful like, and asked him what was the matter. I knew what the matter was, I just wanted him to tell me to my face.

"I have a taxi booked and it hasn't arrived" (that's the Polite English translation)
"Ah. That's bad. I bet you haven't seen a single taxi go past, either, have you?" I helpfully antagonised.
"No. God-damn (etc) etc"
"You do know you are in Venice, don't you?" I offered him the chance to think. He failed to take it.
"Of course!"
"You do know that Venice is famous for long, wet, streets full of boats?" Sarcasm was setting in. This was building up to something big, thought I. Sod it, we'll never meet again, he can have it from both barrels.
"Of course I do"
"And that there are no cars, whatsoever, in the entire city? Nothing with wheels is of any use?"
"Yes"
"And you are waiting for your taxi? Does it have wheels?
Now, I thought the penny would have dropped at this point. I don't know if it was anger, frustration, my English vocabulary....whatever it was....he didn't get it.
"I booked a taxi for (whatever time it was - may have been 2pm) to be outside this station to take me to my hotel. It isn't here. I will sue/shoot/say God damn again because it isn't here. I'm an American and these God damn people are not treating me right!"
I looked at him like a small child seeing his mother buying sweets in a shop but trying unsuccessfully to hide the fact. I smiled a smug grin that even today I couldn't replicate.
"Your taxi is there....*points to boat labelled "taxi" several feet in front of him*. It has been there all the time. It hasn't got wheels, it would sink. In a city of canals, EVERYTHING is done by boat. Even taxis. Had you read anything about this place, your details on your booking form, even reached back into the farthest recesses of your skull about the one major fact that everybody knows about Venice then you would or should have realised that you were looking for a boat."
*Gobsmackery*
"Do you know why they have this plaza outside the station?" Asked I.
"...no...."bumbled Sir Think-a-not.
"They have this plaza here to stop idiots like you from getting straight off the train and falling straight into the fucking water!"
*walks away in triumph*

Sorry about the length. If I'd have kept the word count closer to his IQ we'd never have got past the subject line....
(INGSOC Room 101 will be awaiting you on, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 19:44, 32 replies)

Made up story is made up.
Poorly.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 20:03, closed)

I can assure you it is 100% true
Admittedly it is a little out of character for me. I wouldn't normally be so bullish as to abuse people going about their business in public but this one time did get to me. Maybe the heat, maybe the 7 days of travelling/city hopping I had already done....whatever it was, he should have bloody known better!!!
(INGSOC Room 101 will be awaiting you on, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 22:57, closed)

Did you then proceed to jump into your Honda Gondola that was filled with supermodels and powered by a coked-up ex-bully of yours from school that you karate kicked into submission and sail off into the sunset, having the last laugh?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 23:02, closed)

I'll be honest here, I only wrote all that for the sake of 'Honda Gondola.'
Hondola.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 23:22, closed)

I wish I had the aforementioned paraphernalia. It would have been a cool ending to the story.
Instead I just trundled away with my suitcase behind me, the broken wheel catching EVERY bloody paving stone....wasn't cool.
(INGSOC Room 101 will be awaiting you on, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 0:08, closed)

Your suitcase had wheels?
Can't see how that was much use. I'd've thought it would've floated.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 1:00, closed)

Did you...
Push your glasses up the bridge of your nose after pointing out his error? I'm not sure anyone comes out of your story looking good.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 21:12, closed)

I don't care how good I looked. I was fuming!

(INGSOC Room 101 will be awaiting you on, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 22:55, closed)

I meant...
That you come across as a cunt. I was half expecting you to start banging on about being a freeborn Englishman on the Queen's highway.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 17:51, closed)

I come across as a cunt???
Excellent! I've passed the B3ta entrance exam! When do I get my funky little icon and instructions on how to use the Ignore button?
(INGSOC Room 101 will be awaiting you on, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 21:06, closed)

And then you tried out your girlfriend's massive dildo Big Jake in the shower, rite?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 21:14, closed)

My girlfriend doesn't have a massive dildo. She has a tight...doesn't matter.

(INGSOC Room 101 will be awaiting you on, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 22:58, closed)

I'm going to post here just so Mock Turtle can call me a fat retard again.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 22:11, closed)

Looks like he's not bothering
You fat retard.
( P-MONKE We're all fucked, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 22:33, closed)

Something tells me you like
being called a "fat retard".
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 2 Sep 2012, 23:08, closed)

Really well written.
Cheers.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 2 Sep 2012, 23:06, closed)

Thank you...
If you're going to spend 20 minutes typing out a story, I feel it's worth doubling that time to make it more entertaining... :-)
(INGSOC Room 101 will be awaiting you on, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 17:31, closed)

Oooof, harsh.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 19:57, closed)

This reciprocal
ignore thing is really irritating.

I can see someone is ignoring me, but I have to log out to find out who, and whether there's anything interesting being posted.

Is there any reason for the two way system?
(username failed moderation, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 13:56, closed)

I'll keep you up to date then, Username...
there are 40% posts that are sarcastic, 10% that are dubious, 20% using the thread as a crutch for in-jokes amongst friends and 30% witty and well-worded replies from me. Hope this helps. i also hope that these made up statistics add up to 100%. I'm sure I'll know if not as everybody that has just read this reply to you has just done a quick tally in their head, hoping I got it wrong. Any second now, we'll be given the EXACT percentages, which I then hope will not have taken into account their own reply and so affected the figures again and afford me a way to attack the trolls in a post-modernist, mathematically-pedantic manner!
(INGSOC Room 101 will be awaiting you on, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 17:30, closed)

I can't count, you insensitive fuck.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 17:59, closed)

Many thanks for
your hard work.

Things are now 47% clearer for me.
(username failed moderation, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 13:19, closed)

This is going to come across as me trolling, but I'm not, this is the truth.
They brought in ignore 2.0 because of all the oversensitive crybabies on here.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 18:13, closed)

Other than for spammers, who get shitcanned pretty
quickly, I can't see the point of it at all.

The new version just seems to be to allow the nerdy twits who ignore people to let the people know they're being ignored.

Ho hum.
(username failed moderation, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 13:21, closed)

So people can ignore me and make it obvious that they are doing so?
The internet is getting more like my home life every day. Is this what they mean by augmented reality then?
(INGSOC Room 101 will be awaiting you on, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 14:09, closed)

It's the only difference I can see.
Obviously ignoring someone didn't attract any attention. They need the person they have chosen not to take any notice of to notice them.

It's kinda cute, when you think about it.
(username failed moderation, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 14:21, closed)

It does make it easier to identify the biggest whiny pricks, mind.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 17:17, closed)

You have a thing about penises
don't you?
(username failed moderation, Wed 5 Sep 2012, 9:11, closed)