Stupidity rather than ignorance, you might say, but v funny.
I was told an anecdote about Kate Moss. She was doing a photo shoot in a derelict building in Shoreditch - the place was in a frightful state. Kate wants the loo, and asks where it is.

'It's up there, but there's no door on it' says the stylist.

'Well how will I get in there, then?'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 13:30, 3 replies)

Racing pigeons.
A friend once asked, "How do they know where the finishing line is?"
(Haywood Manley, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 13:07, 9 replies)

Me, unfortunately
I was watching some kind of equestrian event during the paralympics a couple of days ago, and my first thought was "Oh, they've even got disabled horses"

Then I realised it was dressage.
( rofl harris, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 12:57, 1 reply)

Dumb...
Whilst working for a health insurance company, one of the most attractive girls (not blonde)in the department asked "Is sterility hereditary?"

'Nuff said.
(bof, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 11:56, 9 replies)

I refuse to watch that CGI film where Woody Allen and Sharon Stone did the voice-overs.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 11:44, 7 replies)

For those about to rock...
An annoying acquaintance was once boasting about the electric guitar which was to be delivered any day. I asked what kind of amp he had. He said "It doesn't need an amp, I told you, it's electric."

Turns out he was expecting to simply plug it into the mains and start playing.

I never found out if he tried it. Though come to think of it, that was the last time I saw him...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 11:16, Reply)

People who say 'atheists are as bad as proseltyzing religious people'
Yeah, because you can't move round here for al the atheists knocking on the door saying 'having you heard the bad news?'
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 9:39, 12 replies)

But to be ignorant, was very bliss
My housemate at uni once asked: "You know how everyone says, 'Is the Pope a Catholic?' but is the Pope actually a Catholic?". While that is undoubtedly the stupidest thing anyone has ever said, a close second would go to the short Mancunian who was having a discussion with a short Cockney about who had the worst case of small man's syndrome. The Manc won the argument, accidentally, by saying, without a trace of irony: "My Napoleon complex is way bigger than your's". Still the best sentence I have ever heard.
(lurk_hard_pray_hard, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 2:48, 8 replies)

BBC olympic pundits
There's no er in athletes and yet at least one in three seemed to find one in the middle of the word.
(unclestinky, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 0:20, 5 replies)

seeing as we're being broad in our interpretation of 'ignorant'
Jaw-dropping ignorance: it's not just the Americans. It's not just the chavs.

I was on a climbing trip in Equador and we'd found ourselves on a small flight diverted to Peru due to a series of volcanic eruptions closing down the airports around Quito. As is often the case, the bunch of obviously British guys on the plane are all clearly together, which became pretty uncomfortable when Toby, known also as 'the fizzing ball of hate', on hearing the news of our quite understandable delay and diversion, erupted "f**king Ni***ers, can't even fly a f**king plane"

And similar, for nearly an hour, despite abundant and increasingly desperate pleas for silence and rapidly eroding patience from the frankly excellent cabin crew...
(pounana Slept well, and dreamed of large women, on, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 23:45, 4 replies)

Sheer, willful ignorance on a quite staggering scale...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFjoEgYOgRo
(Haywood Manley, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 22:44, 14 replies)

Door would not move, bladder sore
Five minutes is passed looking up and down the door, trying to lift it, taking it by surprise, turning handle, and muttering.

Moved foot.

Door closed. Took futile rage out on toilet.
(thePontificator, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 22:06, 8 replies)

Having checked the dictionary definition, I'm pretty damned sure this is correct.
One of my former work colleagues was quite similar to my housemate. Like her, she has a heart of gold, but a daft streak that stops somewhere past the next horizon. Not content with being a fan of My Chemical Romance, she's also entertained the amusing if somewhat endearing delusions that dogs were in fact lions. A wonderful piece of whimsy, caused by a picture of a Staffordshire bull terrier dressed up as such. Problem is, she passed this onto her son. It took me ages to convince her of the truth. Her son, alas, took longer.

Other gems from this singular woman include confusing lemons with melons, asking if a Greek restaurant served pizza, and being utterly convinced of the belief that she had zombies living in her basement. It baffles me as to how she has managed to raise two children, hold down a job, pay her bills on time and also get married again to wonderfully tolerant man who gently corrects my former work colleague on some of her more esoteric beliefs.

She's so wonderfully weird and ignorant of the oddest and yet most basic things in life, but I'm happy to call her a friend as she makes my life so much more entertaining. Oh yes, I forgot to mention. She's blonde. Talk about pandering to the stereotype.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 3 Sep 2012, 21:25, Reply)

I've seen a metric fuckton of folk on here this week who are ignorant of the meaning of 'ignorant,' thinking it actually means stupid.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 20:56, 40 replies)

Deek?
Ah, my youngest sister Jade is almost the perfect specimen for a variety of blonde jokes. She seems to have a problem translating the thoughts in her head to what comes out of her mouth. Some amazing ideas have developed this way.

Discussing plurals, I explained the plural of a sheep is just sheep-there is a sheep, there are lots of sheep. Jade pondered on this for a while and replied: 'does that mean the plural of duck is deek?'

Recently she asked my parents if unicorns were extinct, if corned beef actually contained beef and if Beatrix Potter was married to a rabbit. She also thought a dog had been put in prison and that anyone could go to the moon.

My sister is 23.
( squiddylyd Once you pop you can't stop!, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 20:49, Reply)

The words you never say
Not the rude ones, oh no. Everyone says those eventually.

I mean the ones that there's no normal reason to say. The words you can define perfectly well, but never tried pronouncing.

A professional meeting, aged 27, was NOT the best place to find out that 'Antelope' does NOT rhyme with 'Penelope'. But everyone else had a damn good laugh.
(Carpe Cyprinidae, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 20:12, 11 replies)

People who don't know how to use apostrophes when talking about multiple's of things.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 20:09, 7 replies)

People out there think I'm being fitted up because I done a rape.

(DefinitelyNOTAmorousBadgerOhNo, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 20:05, 7 replies)

I did work a while ago alongside a highly trained, academically brilliant engineer at an automotive development facility
He complained that he couldn't establish diagnostic communication with the Automatic Transmission control unit over the multiplexed internal control area network bus system. All the proto fleet needed an auto 'box update and he couldn't go home until it was done.

On pointing out that the car he was sat in had a manual gear lever he got quite stroppy and listed his entire CV as to why it was the fault of the prototypers, the workshop technicians, the integration engineers, the tea ladies....everyone but him. Why oh why was the instrument cluster chock full of blinking information lamps, warning messages about broken systems and and strident bing-bong indicator chimes? Ah.

In trying to 'fix' the problems he'd altered the car's configuration file, in effect its BIOS, to try and force the car to believe that it was a Automatic when it....just plain wasn't. So didn't actually have an Auto gearbox control unit on account not having an auto gearbox.

Nevertheless, he proceeded thus- hamfistedly changing settings and options 'just in case' and hitting the 'program' button, altering the car's idea of what it should be and what it should have. Click click click, just like a hijacked web browser user trying frantically to close all the windows down.

When I retrieved the central config settings it was not really surprising that it was upset- it had been 'told' that it was an auto-box 12+6 cylinder petrol-diesel with supercharger AND a turbo with both 2- and 4-wheel drive, in the body of a Ford Focus, left hand drive to be sold in Australia. In the words of hackneyed old Sci-Fi stories about defeating maniacal deadly robots with their own logic, the car was sobbing and rocking itself into inactivity while chanting the metallic monotone mantra 'DOES NOT COMPUTE!' to itself.

But, you know, self belief above all else (including common sense) is very important to some people....
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 3 Sep 2012, 20:01, 1 reply)

Space problem
A very nice lady in the office said: "I really want my arrow to get up to the top of the screen, but I've run out of room on my mouse mat."
Slowly I leaned over, picked up the mouse, moved it down a bit. She looked on, stunned. I mean fucking hell...
(quefelli, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 19:45, Reply)

Ignorance/Stupidity....
it's a fine line:

Two girls in our downstairs office:

Girl 1 (to elderly customer): What was it like when everything was black and white?
Girl 2 : It must have been really dull, like everywhere. Were you looking forward to when colour was invented?
Customer: [choke]


Girl 1: You know when you like, have a brain transplant yeah?
Girl 2: Yeah?
Girl 1: Well...does the other person get the memories of the first?
Girl 2: They must do I suppose. Unless they remove them first.

....You could make a sitcom from listening to these two for just a day!

Girl 1 has just been promoted! It's just as well they're both pretty.
(dchurch bah, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 19:03, 5 replies)

I worked in the Civil Service for 20 years
so you can imagine...

On preparing a mailshot, I had to consult a senior colleague in another Government department about its contents, and how large the envelopes needed to be. "Would A4 be OK?" I proposed.

His response?

"What size A4?"

My response, a polite description of the size of A4 paper whilst my inner being shrieked.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 18:33, 3 replies)

I used to work in the Roman Baths.
My job was standing at the finish of the circuit, near a large green "Exit" sign, collecting the audio guides.

One day, a man asked angrily "How the hell do you get out of here?!" and I replied, ever-so-slightly patronisingly "You see the big illuminated 'EXIT' sign? Yes - through there."

He responded, even more angrily "Well I don't understand Latin!"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 18:06, 1 reply)

Chinese New Year
Discussing Chinese New Year, a friend piped up with,
"How come they have it at a different time of year to us?"

*facepalm*

To which another friend quips,
"It's the only time they can all get together."

Simple and genius.
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 17:01, 1 reply)

It's a cow
Moons ago, we took my mother back to the village of her birth in the highlands of bonny Scotland. It was her 50th Birthday so we booked into a fairly swanky hotel near Loch Ness.

It was my first time north of the border and I was somewhat startled to see an enormous ginger bull roaming the hotel grounds, mere yards from the entrance.

Being a new Dad, I was concerned for the wellbeing of my child so wandered up to the hotel reception to point this out. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Excuse me, there's a large bull loose on the grounds.
Them: I don't see a bull sir.
Me: It's there, that great big ginger thing with horns.
Them: Do you mean the cow sir?
Me (looking around perplexed): No, the bull
Them: I can only see a cow sir, it's of no danger
Me: I can't see any bloody cows...
Them: .....

Retreating to the hotel room, I hastily do a wiki search:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highland_cattle

How was I to know that highland cattle are known locally as cows? Begs the question, what do they call the traditional black and white variety?
(BinDipper, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 16:59, 13 replies)

I have just returned from a weekend in Bath.
Getting on the train to go down, we found our seats, and sat down.

Several minutes later, an American couple (I'm not into America-bashing - I find it rather odious - but this couple did happen to be American and it's relevant) asked us ... sincerely ...

"What does a "Reserved" ticket on the seat mean?"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 15:52, 16 replies)

There's snow business
Does anyone remember a couple of years back (just before Christmas 2010 I think), when it snowed heavily in the U.K. and shut down all the airports? I was stuck in Newark, N.J. at the time, with a good friend and colleague of mine, having finished some work in San Francisco. We'd got as far as Newark and were told that all planes to London were cancelled, so holed up in a hotel near the airport.

Flights were being cancelled all the time and we'd spent long enough at the hotel to become like Alan Partridge ('the usual', for breakfast, lunch and tea), when we met a bunch of English middle-aged couples in the same situation as us.

They were typical flashing the cash types - they'd spent a fortune on a their two weeks in America etc. and they spent the whole time we knew them complaining about everything: coffees, the view ffs, 'America is s**t' and so on. The ignorance comes in from them getting more and more irate about the situation - there was nothing anybody could do, but these people were making it all worse and it was getting embarrassing for us.

In the end, as we were planning to spend Christmas in Florida, they got so hacked off that they booked first class tickets back on the next available flight - which went via Toronto and then on to a European destination.

My mate and I sat it out, got a flight back Christmas Eve and reflected on perhaps a little balance restored in the universe because if they'd waited a little longer (a day or two), they would have got back to blighty at no extra cost (save the hotel, which was cheap - bolt your doors at night cheap), rather than the several thousands extra it cost them.
(Jimbojames Wishing every day could be like today, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 15:39, 15 replies)

Paralympics
The future Mrs Kenny Martin went to the Paralympics on Saturday. Chatting to someone beforehand and mentioning that she was going, we were asked "Oh, how's that bloke with cerebral palsy doing?".

Upon enquiring which one, we were told "The one in the paralympics!". My light-hearted yet incredulous "Well, that's narrowed it down a bit I s'pose" prompted an amazed "Oh, is there more than one then?!".

Mind you, this is the guy who, when visiting my house while I was having my new double-glazing fitted asked me if the new windows were the same size as the old ones O_o
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 15:29, Reply)

From the farsical to the funny.
I was chatting to a lovely young lady online a few years ago. I stated matter of factly 'what's the time down there?', I replied, oh that means it's an hour later here. She believed me. I don't know if she still thinks there is an hour difference north to south.

My parents have recently bought a new house, 150 yards around the corner. I can see the new house from the garden. I walk past my new bedroom everyday. I knew the previous owners. It is quite literally in our back garden, if we could get rid of a few hedges we could carry everything across one garden and through the back doors. Well that's what (not the hedge removal) my dear mother thought. Get my brothers work van, and move the entire contents of a 4 bedroomed house, with a few boxes from works deliveries over a few hours. 4 double beds, several wardrobes, all the tat from a whole kitchen, garage, loft, you get the picture. Me and my brother in a van. It would take a month!
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 13:46, 13 replies)

Overheard comment from extremely fat person while walking up to the acropolis in Athens
"Why did the Greeks have to build all their monuments on hills?"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 12:12, 5 replies)