The Red Hand of Ulster
When I was a student in the 2000 I lived with six other guys in what, for all intents and purposes, was akin to a U.S. frat house. We we're the archetypal "lads" who went boozing every day and night, missed lectures, slept around and generally had a blast.

Two of the lads in my house were Irish and we had a bit of fun with the culture clash (we remain firm friends to this day). They used to rib us English lads about "The Troubles" and we would mock them back for their Irish-isms.

Anyway, about two weeks into the year I managed the unlikely feat of pulling a real hottie. We had a massive house party at our house and as it was winding down I got talking to this blonde girl who wasn't backwards in coming forwards. A few smokes and drinks later and she suggested we go back to my room for a bit of fun.

How can I explain this?.... I was in that magic zone whereby the alcohol in my system gave me super-staying power. To be fair, she was really enjoying it as well. The lights were out and after a while I was pretty shattered so I asked her to get on top and eventually nature took it's course. It was, by my admittedly tame standards, one of the best one night stands I've ever had.

About 5am I woke up in the pitch black needing a piss, stumbled over to the door and opened it into a deserted, bright stairwell. I was naked and, to my horror, covered from my belly to my thighs in blood!

I dashed upstairs to the bathroom, had a piss, cleaned myself up and thought about how to delicately break it to the girl that she had come on during the act (it wasn't something you could ignore because my bed covers were bloody as well). Anyway, a few hours later I tried to be gentle and understanding but she left crying and ashamed - a real downer on the night before I can tell you.

In those days if one of the lads had scored on the previous night then the rest would be sniffing for details the following morning. Still hungover, the lads hammered on my door 'til I let them in and then reacted like I was some sort of nutter. "There's fucking blood everywhere - what did you do?!", that sort of thing. Being a gentleman I gave them a blow by blow account and they ended up having a sort of semi horrified-admiration for my exploits. Then one of the Irish lads noticed my England flag above the headboard of my bed. The room dissolved into laughter.

Whilst she was on top, to steady herself she had put her hands up against the wall and inadvertantly put a perfect bloody hand-print on my St George Cross.

The night was known as "The Red Hand of Ulster" from then on.

Interesting side note, I found out about 18 months later from one of the girl's friends that she was actually a virgin. I would never have believed it at the time because she seemed to know what she was doing and she was gorgeous. It makes me cringe to think about our little talk of her "coming on". She must have been so disillusioned. I'm not proud of myself but that's the truth!
( Hitler's Barber Soylent Green is high in saturated fat, Fri 8 Aug 2008, 13:41, Reply)