Farmers.
I've just recently recovered from a dose of the farmer Giles's.

I was away with work and was wondering why I had a pain round the old chocolate starfish.

The conference was somewhat uncomfortable, the standing around at the airport took my mind off it as the pressure was slightly less.

The plane journey was agony and the drive back was unmentionable pain.

Slept poorly the following night and decided that I should probably visit the doctor the following morning, I book an appointment and get myself down to the docs.

Sitting in the waiting room slightly on one side generated some bizarre looks.

The doctor asks me some questions, then says he is off to get a colleague for a second opinion. Great I think, this bloke doesn't have a clue.

Second doctor has a look and tells me that I have a rare condition for someone of my age (23). Having two grown men poking their finger up your bum is not an experience I want to repeat. Ever!

It turns out that I have external thrombosed hemorrhoids. These little babies are different to normal ones, normally they come from within and hang out. These ones sit on the outside, where you have a huge mass of nerves, thus making the pain far more intolerable than just having the grapes hanging out.

I'm prescribed some cream to help clear the matter up and told to come back the following day to see how I'm doing or else its off to hospital for a general to have them chopped out. Off I trudge to boots, whereby the lady behind the counter asks if she can see me in the consultation room.

Great I think, now what?!

She tells me that what the doc had prescribed isn't available by its standard name and is only available as its marketed name, which happens to be.... Vagisil.

Great, not only do I have quite an embarrassing bum problem, I now have thrush cream to try and sort it out!

Queue later on, at home ready for bed. Im in my bathroom readying myself to apply this cream. Applying cream to your bum is a very wierd sensation and leaves you feeling rather uncomfortable.

I sleep like a baby as the previous night's lack of kip had taken its toll. Upon waking up, the pain has gone, however it would appear a mini nuclear blood bomb had gone off and there was blood everywhere from the anal explosion.

All over the bed sheets, my pants that I had slept in, the bed etc...

I hope no-one ever gets this problem as it is really something that is incredibly painful and rather embarrassing!

I returned to the doctor to find out that only one had burst, but this had released the pressure, as they were no longer forcing themselves against each other and I was good to carry on using the cream until the other one went.

1.5 weeks off work and another bloodbath in bed, I was still bleeding (albeit more of a trickle) 3 weeks later.

I now have some "skin-tags" which are the empty remains of my lovely experience.


/edit

To add insult to injury, I went to see my girlfriend the afternoon I got back from the doctors whereby we had "a talk" leaving me rather single.

One pain in the ass replaced with two!

Length - round and about the size of a nobbys nut each.
(stevio is on the prowl for a girlfriend!, Fri 8 Aug 2008, 14:43, 6 replies)

you poor blighter
have a click to soothe the pain
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 8 Aug 2008, 14:52, closed)

Oooh, you poor sod.
That really does sound unpleasant.

Have a sympathy click!
( OneSullenBrit *air sandwiches*, Fri 8 Aug 2008, 14:54, closed)

Owowowowow!
I'm wincing in sympathy. Have a click and I hope those Rockford Files don't return anytime soon.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 8 Aug 2008, 14:55, closed)

Thanks
For you messages of sympathy.

Explaining the situation to my employers was interesting, they thought I'd just drank too much at the conference. (I had)

Some people at work think I had a sprained ankle. Good old Finance Director covered for me!
(stevio is on the prowl for a girlfriend!, Fri 8 Aug 2008, 14:57, closed)

You poor bugger
A mate of mine had to go in to have his surgically removed. Not nice, not nice at all.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 8 Aug 2008, 18:25, closed)

empathy!
been there etc.
pure horror and agony.

eventually got sorted surgically but left me with enduring arse tenderness.

to cap it all...one of the theatre nurses was a lass i almost copped off with about 20 years ago.

shame.

have a click x
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sat 9 Aug 2008, 23:12, closed)